Screwed up big time

ERICS_MUM

From what I've read, maybe there's no obvious or short-term solution ? Is it possible to carry on as you are ?

Tiddlywinks

Oh you poor thing.... he is a bad man and you are a saint.








^^^
Is that what you need to hear? Because, frankly, you're not hearing anything else you're being told so why keep posting?

Lostinhere

oh ok if it's wrong to ask where he's going and who with, maybe I am abusive. It's totally normal to put the kids to bed, come downstairs and find your husband has gone out, then when he returns at 1, 3, :am how dare I ask where he was!

It's common courtesy to tell your partner you're going somewhere, what if I had plans????

I csn go to the library but what work can be done whilst trying to entertain and keep the baby quiet?

I never said childminding was all I would do so why accuse me? I'm trying to look for a job, even nannying and take the baby along.

I'm looking for part time work during school hours, have been since baby was a few months old, but it's hard!!!

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

oh ok if it's wrong to ask where he's going and who with, maybe I am abusive. It's totally normal to put the kids to bed, come downstairs and find your husband has gone out, then when he returns at 1, 3, :am how dare I ask where he was!
- Oh here we go, victim again. No it's not wrong to ask, it's wrong to demand. He shouldn't feel the need to turn off his phone, because i suspect you persistently call him to ask 'who's there', 'where are you', 'are there women there', 'who's that giggling in the background'. Have you considered this: If he was in a happy relationship, if you made him happy, he wouldn't feel the need to go out. You want to stay married, but why? Your husband is clearly miserable.

It's common courtesy to tell your partner you're going somewhere, what if I had plans???? - Equally it's common courtesy to tell your partner if you have plans, especially in your case as the behaviour is ingrained. If you don't go out for years and years, it's reasonable for him to assume on any given night, you probably wont be going out.

I csn go to the library but what work can be done whilst trying to entertain and keep the baby quiet? - Go for a walk, baby falls asleep, pop to the library and do some research. Babies tend to sleep quite a lot.

I never said childminding was all I would do so why accuse me? I'm trying to look for a job, even nannying and take the baby along. - 'accuse' you? I'm not, I was asking a question. That reaction speaks volumes.

I'm looking for part time work during school hours, have been since baby was a few months old, but it's hard!!!

Yes, life is hard. I presume you are old enough to realise it's not fairy dust and flowers...


You must realise there are hundreds of thousands of people who balance work and family commitments, every single day.

enthusiasticsaver

I don't agree with your actions but from what you have said your OH is not much better and only you can say if he has got worse since your recent issues or has always been like that. I also disagree with Guest 101 that most normal married couples (in my experience) share information about where they are going and who with, simply from a practical point of view if you have kids and may need to get hold of them urgently. I can't think of any reason why your OH would need to keep information about his actions secret unless he has emotionally removed himself from you and the marriage and now sees it is nothing to do with you , having an affair or just being bloody minded. I am guessing the first one is most likely. If he is and has never been involved with looking after the children in the evening or weekend then you will not change him so you either need to put up with it or leave.

Unfortunately being a rubbish Dad though is no excuse for hiding debt or using the children to manipulate your OH into doing what you want. You have both been doing that and it needs to stop. Before Guest 101 jumps down my throat on that simply going to work and providing a roof/ food etc is not being a good dad. It is part of it but not interacting with them or looking after their emotional wellbeing is cruel and using them to get to you (abuse again). Just look after your little ones as best you can and try to distance yourself emotionally from him if he will not engage with you.

I don't really understand why you hid the debt if it was all spent jointly. You may have been mismanaging the finances but this was something you should have sorted out together. Why did you keep it secret at all?

If I were in your circumstances I would be putting plans in place to either leave or support myself financially. That may involve getting a job and a childminder. It may not be your first choice but needs must in certain circumstances. How are you managing for money? Do you still have access to your joint account?

The taking of your hard drive again sounds like either a trust thing - he is not sure what you are doing on it or a control issue. You can access computers at libraries and jobcentres. Continue to get advice from womens aid or womens shelters, your local cab etc etc.

Lostinhere

My baby is 13 months old, she sleeps 1.5hrs in the day that's all.

I do not ring him or anything when he's out. He turns his phone off to make me worry what he's up to.

Yes he goes out because he's unhappy but that's why he goes a lot, not why he goes at all.

He doesn't even say goodbye, he just acts like a young single man. Whilst I do not go out, I do often schedule my doctor apps for 630/7pm but he's gone before I get chance to go, and if I tell him I have plans he still goes and I have to take the kids! Which means keeping them up late or waking them up (and waiting at the docs can be over an hour!)

Lostinhere

Thanks enthusiasticsaver. No I don't have access to the account or any money. I've been living off the 137 child benefit for the past couple of weeks, it's now run out so I don't have a penny to my name.

I hid it from him because I was ashamed. I didn't want to upset him by telling him we just didn't have enough money because his salary wasn't enough. I felt like a failure. Like many debtors it snowballed, debt to pay debt, debt to eat, debt to pay the bills.

If I'd have spoken to him sooner we could have had a plan and i wish i had.

Now I'm in a situation where he will not speak at all, not a word even small talk, he still does nothing with the kids though on occasion he has started to engage a bit.

He said in eh past that he turns his phone off in case I ring him, even though I never have, to have a go at him for going out without telling me.

Sad to say he went out on our 10 year anniversary and also the night after I had treatment for cancerous cells on my cervix. He feels guilty for neither, what he wants and what his friend wants come first.

Guest101

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

I don't agree with your actions but from what you have said your OH is not much better and only you can say if he has got worse since your recent issues or has always been like that. I also disagree with Guest 101 that most normal married couples (in my experience) share information about where they are going and who with, simply from a practical point of view if you have kids and may need to get hold of them urgently. - Not sure in what way you're disagreeing with me. We agree, most couples would do exactly that. But this isn't a '9/10 cats' situation. The dynamics of this relationship are far from typical. I can't think of any reason why your OH would need to keep information about his actions secret unless he has emotionally removed himself from you and the marriage and now sees it is nothing to do with you , having an affair or just being bloody minded. - Perhaps to get away from a manipulative and abusive partner? I am guessing the first one is most likely. If he is and has never been involved with looking after the children in the evening or weekend then you will not change him so you either need to put up with it or leave.

Unfortunately being a rubbish Dad though is no excuse for hiding debt or using the children to manipulate your OH into doing what you want. You have both been doing that and it needs to stop. Before Guest 101 jumps down my throat (would I do that?) on that simply going to work and providing a roof/ food etc is not being a good dad. - Again we totally agree. Typically it's not. But again this is ingrained routine on the whole family. For a number of years this was sufficient, if that is to change it needs to be a positive change done over time. It is part of it but not interacting with them or looking after their emotional wellbeing is cruel and using them to get to you (abuse again). Just look after your little ones as best you can and try to distance yourself emotionally from him if he will not engage with you. - As others have said, it needs time for the initial shock reaction to the debt to settle down. A few weeks at least.

I don't really understand why you hid the debt if it was all spent jointly. You may have been mismanaging the finances but this was something you should have sorted out together. Why did you keep it secret at all?

If I were in your circumstances I would be putting plans in place to either leave or support myself financially. That may involve getting a job and a childminder. It may not be your first choice but needs must in certain circumstances. How are you managing for money? Do you still have access to your joint account?

The taking of your hard drive again sounds like either a trust thing - he is not sure what you are doing on it or a control issue. You can access computers at libraries and jobcentres. Continue to get advice from womens aid or womens shelters, your local cab etc etc.

We actually agree for the most part.

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

My baby is 13 months old, she sleeps 1.5hrs in the day that's all. - That doesn't seem enough for an afternoon nap, are you putting to bed too early?

I do not ring him or anything when he's out. He turns his phone off to make me worry what he's up to. - Often there are two sides to this.

Yes he goes out because he's unhappy but that's why he goes a lot, not why he goes at all. - So you need to address the root causes for unhappiness, not the symptoms.

He doesn't even say goodbye, he just acts like a young single man. Whilst I do not go out, I do often schedule my doctor apps for 630/7pm - why are you taking appointments from those in employment? Literally you have all day to go to the doctors. but he's gone before I get chance to go, and if I tell him I have plans he still goes and I have to take the kids! Which means keeping them up late or waking them up (and waiting at the docs can be over an hour!)

Honestly you aren't helping yourself, it's like you're creating these situations to get a reaction


"I don't like my husband going out so I'll create a reason for him to stay in."
- His reason to stay in should be because he wants to

enthusiasticsaver

Lostinhere wrote: »

My baby is 13 months old, she sleeps 1.5hrs in the day that's all.

I do not ring him or anything when he's out. He turns his phone off to make me worry what he's up to.

Yes he goes out because he's unhappy but that's why he goes a lot, not why he goes at all.

He doesn't even say goodbye, he just acts like a young single man. Whilst I do not go out, I do often schedule my doctor apps for 630/7pm but he's gone before I get chance to go, and if I tell him I have plans he still goes and I have to take the kids! Which means keeping them up late or waking them up (and waiting at the docs can be over an hour!)

Will your baby sleep in the pram? If so you could use that time to research things at the library. Similarly with doctor appointments schedule when your daughter is at school and take baby with you. You will need to start thinking of yourself as a single parent and millions manage but it is hard. You have done wrong in hiding the debt but if he will not listen to apologies then you can't do much more other than look for a way forward for you and your children either locally or further afield closer to family if your OH won't help. You will need some support.

I disagree you should think twice about moving away if he doesn't engage with them anyway and you will have more family support elsewhere. The difficulty there will be finance and managing a move with no money.


I just feel very sorry for your poor kids being stuck in the middle of all this.