Screwed up big time

Loanranger

You need to grovel, genuinely grovel to him. You are not in a position to make demands except to ask for food to feed the children. Stay put in the house, it is the children's home and any other advice is plain wrong. A court would not expect you to leave the family home.
You ask if the debt was enough to stop him loving you as if the debt represents a small lie. It is a massive issue and I can't understand why you can't see that, too.
You need to understand two things: first that your children come first, always their interests are at the heart of the legal system here; second, you have to accept that he no longer loves you for your lying and landing him in debt .
The third point is that you should grow up and be an adult.
That's my view of your situation, sorry if that hurts.

justme111

Re practicalities of staying and court or moving out and bills - talk to the agencies listed before.
Re him blaming you - if you try to carry on your life with a purpose of him not blaming you you will not get anywhere , it is very wrong to live your life like that. Do not think what he will think , do what is right for you.

justme111

Lostinhere wrote: »

I spoke to z solicitor this morning just to see where I stand even though it's not what I want.

She said I would get the house til baby is 18, he would have to pay maintenance (400) but could pay mortgage in lieu of this. I could also ask for spousal maintenance. I wouldn't have enough income to pay debt so I would have to get a debt relief order.

None of that helps me save my marriage.

so if you want to save your marriage why you talking about how bad he is and how you do not have anybody to put you up for a night ?

Lostinhere

I'm explaining why I can't leave because people seem to think it's easy, it'd take me years to move as I have no money. I slept with him because I thought we were getting back together.

I do want to save my marriage I just don't know how. I don't think he'd sit down long enough to hear an apology

MandM90

Lostinhere wrote: »

I'm explaining why I can't leave because people seem to think it's easy, it'd take me years to move as I have no money. I slept with him because I thought we were getting back together.

I do want to save my marriage I just don't know how. I don't think he'd sit down long enough to hear an apology

If you do want to save it, you need to stop the threats (e.g. I want a divorce, contact centre only) and playing games.

Seriously, if I were you right now, I would give him and yourself some space. Read books, go on walks, concentrate on making your kids feel loved and just spend lots and lots of time thinking.

Pixie5740

Lostinhere wrote: »

I spoke to z solicitor this morning just to see where I stand even though it's not what I want.

She said I would get the house til baby is 18, he would have to pay maintenance (400) but could pay mortgage in lieu of this. I could also ask for spousal maintenance. I wouldn't have enough income to pay debt so I would have to get a debt relief order.

None of that helps me save my marriage.

Why do you want to save your marriage? It sounds toxic...for both of you and more importantly for your children. He's such a bad father that you would only allow him to see the children at a contact centre. He's such a bad father to the 6 year old that you decide to have another child with him. I too think that you are reveling in playing the victim and are trying to paint him as the bad guy, and that's just based on your version of events. If you do separate/divorce then you don't necessarily have to leave the house. A solicitor, CAB, etc would be able to better advise you on that front.

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

None of that helps me save my marriage.

What is so good about your marriage that you want to save it?

Nothing you've said on here makes it look worth fighting for.

justme111

Lostinhere wrote: »

I'm explaining why I can't leave because people seem to think it's easy,

But if you want to save the marriage why not say you do not want to live him. Why start explaining how difficult it would be for you to live him if you do not want to do it in the first place.

FBaby

What I would do? Contact parents, say that things are not good with OH and need a break, can you come and stay with them for a short time. If they say yes, seat OH down and say that you both need some time to clear things up before you can have an adult seating down to discuss the future and to help both of you, you've decided to go to your parents.

Contact DD's school, go and see Head and explain the situation, ask if this could be authorised as exceptional (might not work but worth a try), ask teacher for what will be taught next week. Tell DD that you are going to visit your parents for a week but that you will do school work during this time. If questions are asked, be honest and say mummy and daddy need a break and it will be nice to see nanny/grand dad.

Go there and spend quality time with your children/family. Give yourself 3 days not thinking at all about your marriage. Day 4, start to think about what you want to do and consider different option. Start to plan for each option. Inform OH that you are coming back and that you need to discuss how to move forward. Discuss your options, agree to one, plan how you are going to communicate in the future, go from there.

Skylar34

Forget the he said/he did, that is in the past and you cannot change it as is the debt and threatening divorce etc there is no point dwelling on those things.


Focus on the life your children deserve and what you want for the future, do you really want to spend another 10 years held to ransom, asking him cap in hand for hand outs to feed the children?


No one can make that decision for you whether to stay and hope that things may work out or leave and start again but I will say that as scary as a future without him in it may seem it could turn out to be the best thing to happen, don't let the fear of what may happen stop you doing anything you want to do.


You have two paths ahead, one where you will from the sounds of it never really be happy or the harder path to tread but that which may lead to happiness, really take your time and think about what is best for the children and for you and once you have reached a decision see it through to the end in the meantime just keep ticking over, keep the kids and yourself fed and watered etc and leave him in the background for now


You can only apologise so much but if it is falling on deaf ears then no point wasting your breath.


Life is too short not to be happy, I wish you well op