Screwed up big time

Lostinhere

I don't know where to start, please don't judge me

I've been with my hubby 10 years, 8 married and we have two kids (13 months and 6 yrs)

We were fine until not long after the youngest was born and a new guy started at dh's work. He suddenly started going out drinking all night and it became very often. We'd argue about it, he'd block my number and then go out. I never knew where or who with, just assumed it was this bloke. He'd get home around midnight, then 1am, then 2am...I thought he had another woman but I've met the guy lol.

He also started being horrible to me for resenting his new life. I should add he does nothing with the kids, literally nothing. He does work full time but I do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. (I don't work but it was the same even when I did)

About a month ago I had enough and told him I wanted a divorce. I hoped it'd shock him into changing but I don't think he believed me as nothing changed. He told me he was still married even if I wasn't.

Then a couple of weeks ago he found some debt id been hiding from him. 15k of it. I'm not proud of it but it is being repaid (dmp with stepchange) but it has ruined our credit ratings. He was furious, threatened to get me sent to prison for fraud so I lose the kids. The money wasn't spent willy nilly, it was on living expenses. He earned 19k at the time, I'd given up work to have our eldest, more than half his salary went on the mortgage and we were struggling. I should've told him but he never questioned how we afforded things. When the eldest went to nursery I went back to work to repay some. I was then made redundant and she started school just as I fell pregnant with the youngest. I now can't work as I have no family or friends to help with childcare and i would never afford to pay nursery. Dh's hours are too irregular for me to do nights. He now earns 32k and despite the 400 repayment each month we are comfortable enough.

It's got really nasty. He gave me a grand at the end of May to pay the bills (which are 800) and food, he won't give me any more money. He took the hard drive from my computer with all the baby photos on (he says to protect himself whatever that means) and said some really nasty things to me. I threatened to sell my ring to pay bills and now he says he's sold his. He took it off a week ago and knows it worries me that he goes out getting drunk without it.

Up until now he was saying he was married, now he says we are split up and it's not his fault I changed my mind and no longer want to split. We've had sex but it doesn't change anything, he laughed and said "we've finished now" when I tried to kiss him after sex. He says most of our marriage has been a lie, he doesn't like the person I've become and things can never go back to how they were. He refuses to tell me if he loves me or not.

I've forgiven him a lot over the years and I'm desperate to sort it out but he won't even talk to me. I've said he can have total control Of the finances and we will work it out but he ignores me and either walks out or turns the tv up to shut me up.

He doesn't seem bothered at all, he says he hates me... He won't leave, he says he will leave when the house is sold and not before. He's buying stuff for the garden like he has no plans to leave. He knows I can't afford to leave and there's no equity in the house.

I just don't know what to do...

Lostinhere

Also this friend is encouraging him to split, dh never rings me but rang me a few days ago to shout and swear at me for slagging off his friend, so unlike him. Barely recognised him on the phone

dandy-candy

Have you suggested marriage counselling? Don't take abuse from him even if it's verbal. Where are your kids with all this going on? Covering up your debts was wrong, but you aren't the first person to do that in a marriage.
Get some legal advice. Sorry you are having a bad time. Stay strong.

BJV

OMG I am so sorry. He sounds horrible.

Yes what you did hiding the loan was wrong BUT he has from you said sounds like a functioning alcoholic ok perhaps not but at least a ???? head.

£15,000 is a lot of money and no you where wrong to hide it BUT and I say it again he is a horrible person. You are not his cook and cleaner you are his wife and that means the good bits as well as the bad.

So sorry but it sounds like you are better off without him. OK money wise it is a mess but I know that MSE has some amazing people far more qualified than me to be able to point you in the right direction ref that side.

Please remember that no one has the right to treat you like this unless you let them.

Please take a deep breath remember that this is going to be really hard on the kids who will not understand what is going on.

balletshoes

I'm really sorry OP, but if what you're saying is whats gone on, on both sides of the marriage, for so long, I don't think this relationship has much of any chance of surviving. The trust and respect are gone, with both of you. In my opinion, when thats gone, and its been gone for such a long time, theres no coming back from that.

Go to the CAB and get some advice about divorcing.

Lostinhere

Thanks everyone. He wouldn't do counselling as he thinks it's silly. The kids are usually in bed and a lot is by email. The eldest always says how little dad does

balletshoes

Lostinhere wrote: »

Thanks everyone. He wouldn't do counselling as he thinks it's silly. The kids are usually in bed and a lot is by email. The eldest always says how little dad does

wait - you guys say these horrible things to each other by email? Thats even worse, as its not even a spur-of-the-moment fight/discussion/argument, those words are thought out, they can be deleted, but they aren't, instead you guys both press "send".

Lioness_Twinkletoes

You've both behaved badly and as has been said previously, the trust has gone on both sides. If he won't go for counselling you should consider going on your own.

Lostinhere wrote: »

The eldest always says how little dad does

I sincerely hope you are defending him to the children. This is not their fight and regardless of whether you think he does enough or not, it is not right to drag them into it. He's still their Dad. Incidentally, I think there is nothing wrong with you doing all the household chores. He works full time, earns a decent wage and is paying back debt you incurred without his knowledge. When I worked full time and my husband was between jobs he did everything - cooking, cleaning, shopping, kiddie care. The lot. It was his job.

dancingfairy

What sort of person threatens to report you for fraud and threatens to have your kids taken off you?? This sounds horrendous and is completely ridiculous.
I'm sure if you looked into things you'd find you can afford to live on your own- you'd get things like housing benefit, single person discount on council tax, child benefit, and other benefits.
Please get some help, even if you go to counselling on your own to get your head straight.
You deserve better.
Df

dancingfairy

Taking the hard drive seems like a way to get a hold over you. Withholding money seems like a form of abuse.
You might want to call someone like women's aid. At best this is a dysfunctional relationship at worse it sounds like you might be suffering emotional abuse.
Df

Lioness_Twinkletoes

dancingfairy wrote: »

Taking the hard drive seems like a way to get a hold over you. Withholding money seems like a form of abuse.
You might want to call someone like women's aid. At best this is a dysfunctional relationship at worse it sounds like you might be suffering emotional abuse.
Df

Calm down - we only have the OP's version of events. We don't know what she has said or done to her husband. It is human nature to try and portray yourself as a victim. Doesn't make it so. Dangerous to start chucking statements like that around.