Screwed up big time

Dinah93

I would be affected but if my relationship with my husband was otherwise a happy one we'd work through it. It certainly wouldn't be enough to call time on the relationship if we'd sat down and gone through it and I could see it wasn't extravagant shopping, gambling, drinking etc that had done this but living expenses because our joint income hadn't been sufficient to pay for our bills. I'd be much more concerned about the level of control he feels is appropriate, taking away your hard drive, withholding money, I had an ex do something very similar and it was only when I had to get the police involved their councellor showed me in no uncertain terms that deprivation of freedom was as much abuse as a punch.

skattykatty

Hi OP, this is a difficult and vulnerable time for you both. Reading your original post I get the impression that communication has been a challenge for much of your relationship, as you didn't sit down together to try and work out how to manage on the lower salary, you went straight ahead and made a decision to take on debt for the both of you. You see that your husband's behaviour changed after the youngest arrived, but he didn't sit down to discuss what was going on for him, he just decided to go out and drink all night. Without communicating things have deteriorated to the extent that you threaten divorce to force change and he demands it as punishment or maybe a way out of a marriage he didn't know how to end. And sex? Sex is not always about love, not even in a marriage. In an unhappy one it may even be about power and control. And now you communicate by email. Where is the intimacy in that? Where is the relationship?

You have been the children's main carer, so the children will stay with you whatever happens. Without an income of your own and no family nearby, you must make a decision about who to turn to and go to for help. People on here have mentioned CAB and Women's Aid. It's a start. Your children are young, but they can see and feel what is going on. How much longer can you tolerate this situation for yourself and for them? This will feel overwhelming right now but change will happen one small step at a time, you just need to decide in which direction you will be going. Keep posting for support.

Lostinhere

Thanks everyone. I'm afraid it escalated today.

We'd managed to get on well over the past few days, not discussing the issues but small talk etc. With it being Father's Day I got cards from the kids etc.

He then asked me why I was using "his" food and it escalated as I said its normal if we're married and he said we're no longer married. I asked him if he wanted to split up and he said yes. So I said ok you want to be single.

Well then he got angry saying he didn't want to be single?? That we were split up and he's made his mind up that it's done. Started mosning about the debt.

We rarely argue in front of the kids but the 6yo heard and started telling dh off. I calmed her down and explained the split, no blame, that we all love her but we want different things (he denied that) and couldn't get along. He nastily said it was because of my lies.

I explained he would see the kids at a contact centre twice a month as he doesn't really know them or do anything with them and there was previous violence before they were born.

Then, he nastily said to the 6yo that he would never see her again because he will not go to a contact centre. She got upset at his tone and he said she was "messed up" because of me and is turned her against him.

I've decided to leave because there is no hope of him backing down or accepting any blame. He won't change or think he needs to.

I am heartbroken that I have to leave my lovely home (in his name) and go into rented (no income and credit rating dire). He won't let me stay in the house andhe won't leave but it's intolerable.

FBaby

You are both very angry and hurt and as a result, letting this drive your words and actions as it sounds that all you want to do is try to hurt the other.

I think you both need to take a break and let time lessen the anger so you can start to communicate sensibly. Saying that he would only see his children in a centre was nasty, but then he said horrible things too. This won't accomplish anything good.

enthusiasticsaver

Goodness what a mess. This man has been violent in the past, is abusing you both emotionally and financially and has effectively decided he no longer wants to be married to you. You lied to him about debt and are now using the children as a weapon re his access to them. It certainly sounds like there is no way forward for you together and this atmosphere will affect your children so best you leave now.

Firstly, you mention fraud allegations. Have you actually forged your OHs signature or is the £15k debt in your name? How is this being paid at the moment?

Is moving up to be closer to your family an option? Would they be supportive? I think you will need to leave to get away from this situation and see what benefits you would be entitled to until you are able to return to work.

kimplus8

Lioness_Twinkletoes wrote: »

You've both behaved badly and as has been said previously, the trust has gone on both sides. If he won't go for counselling you should consider going on your own.



I sincerely hope you are defending him to the children. This is not their fight and regardless of whether you think he does enough or not, it is not right to drag them into it. He's still their Dad. Incidentally, I think there is nothing wrong with you doing all the household chores. He works full time, earns a decent wage and is paying back debt you incurred without his knowledge. When I worked full time and my husband was between jobs he did everything - cooking, cleaning, shopping, kiddie care. The lot. It was his job.

I think this is a bit harsh!
She has made a mistake in hiding the money but if it was spent on living expenses where they were both living beyond their means then it is equally his burden to repay. Just because she physically spent the money it does not give him a get out of jail free card anyways. Marriage is a partnership for better or worse, richer or poorer! He is being a pathetic bully to you for you mistake OP to direct attention from his own wreck less and horrid behaviour.
Going out without his wedding ring, turning off his phone and acting the way he does is inexcusable.
It's emotionally abusive and certainly financially so if he's withholding finances too just to prove a point!
Do you get any child benefit or tax credits in your name that you can put into your own account??

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

I am heartbroken that I have to leave my lovely home (in his name) and go into rented (no income and credit rating dire).

It doesn't matter that the house is only in his name because you are married. He also can't throw you and the children out.

justme111

Do you think that discussing child visiting arrangements during the row when neither of you have made any plans about moving out yet and children could hear you and was appropriate and necessary ?

Lostinhere

I know he can't throw us out but it's hell living with him and it's not a permanent solution because what if he gets a new girlfriend and wants to bring her here?

I meant what I said about the contact centre because I don't trust that he wouldn't try to keep the kids and/or make false allegations to get them taken from me, he's threatened it before. I don't want to risk it

On one hand I don't believe he wants to split but on the other hand I've never seen him so serious. But then again we started getting along until today?

I will be moving near family and whilst there's no way I could live with them (sister is in a one bed flat with her hubby and baby) and they can't help financially,they are a huge emotional support and things would be easier if I was nearer. It's a good 50 miles away but worth it.

If I move its just so final, there's no way he would move with us as it would be an hour commute each way and there's no way i would uproot the kids again to move back.

He'd only blame me as well, it'd be "you left","you broke up the family" etc.

Even now he's adamant we split due to my choice even though I said I wanted to work things out

Lostinhere

The child arrangements were discussed whilst I was reassuring my eldest she would still see her dad and how, it was after I'd calmed the situation down

The fact she couldn't care less about seeing him is sad, in her words "what's the point in having a dad if he just sits there watching tv"

That is literally all he does