Screwed up big time

Detroit

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds to me he was looking for a way out of this relationship, and the debt issue gave him the excuse.
He had one foot out of the relationship before this came to light.
Yes, you should have told him, but if he was committed to the marriage, I think on reflection he may have seen that you got into the situation to keep the family going and not for selfish reasons, and made an effort to get past it.
As it is, he's jumped on this to end things and blame you, which is a very immature attitude.
You don't say how old you are, or if you've been together since you were very young? It sounds to me that he's reliving his youth, and maybe this new work colleague was the catalyst for this, reminding him of being young free and single.
Whatever the reason, there seems little hope at the moment, and I would suggest you get away from each other, at least for now. It need not necessarily be permanent, but I think you and the children need to be out of this toxic atmosphere.
If you decide to leave the home, please take advice on your rights beforehand, to the house, benefits, child support and so on. CAB are a good start.
Similarly, should he leave, you can get advice on your entitlements.
This is a horrible situation, and I hope you have people around you can talk to, and who will support you.
You say your husband wouldn't try relationship counselling, but you could always go by yourself. Many people do, and find it really helpful.

pigpen

It doesn't have to be a woman for him to be being unfaithful. Plenty have left for a same-sex relationship.

For the sake of your sanity and the childrens wellbeing I think you should find somewhere for you and the children.

If you have forged his signature to get loans or whatever then he is within his rights to have you prosecuted for fraud. so while he is using it as a threat it is a credible one.. though if the debt is in your name there is nothing he can do.. but, should you not pay it the house could be repossessed to cover it regardless.. It is a very sorry situation and I truly hope you can get this sorted.

I'd suggest contacting Womens Aid for advice and assistance in finding accomodation because it doesn't sound a very safe environment for any of you at the moment.

((hugs))

Lostinhere

Thanks for the replies. It is a horrible situation.

I don't mind doing all the chores etc it's just that in evenings and weekends i would like him to do something with the children, I can't remember the last time he played with them or did a nappy...

It's almost like I said it was over and he's holding me to it... I just feel so upset and want it to work but he says our marriage was lies because of the debt...

It's like it wipes out everything he's said and done because i got us into debt... And he really doesn't even seem upset

piglet25

Have you considered that there may be more than friendship going on with the other guy? It would explain some of his behaviour and malice towards you.

elsien

I have to ask why you want to make it work, given everything that's gone on. Nothing's changed since your ultimatum except to get worse.
Is it fear of being on your own that's made you reconsider? Because if it is, that's no basis to try to rebuild a relationship on.

Detroit

It's almost like I said it was over and he's holding me to it... I just feel so upset and want it to work but he says our marriage was lies because of the debt...


It's like it wipes out everything he's said and done because i got us into debt... And he really doesn't even seem upset[/QUOTE]

It's this that makes it seem to me that your husband really doesn't want to be in the relationship.
I truly think the debt has given him a handy excuse to end things while keeping the moral high ground.
If this is the case, I doubt anything you do or say will change his mind at the moment.
That's not to say that when faced with the reality of the single life he may not decide the grass isn't greener and may then change his mind, but equally, he may not. Only time will tell.
Meanwhile, he says he wants the marriage to be over, and is treating you pretty badly.
I'd sit him down to discuss how you're going to do this. If neither of you can move, can you live separate lives in the house? I.e., not interfering or commenting on what each other does, him not touching your possessions, speaking civilly, and getting on with your own thing?
If not, one of you may have to make a move, and, although difficult, with the right advice, it's possible, as many find out every day.
It has to be better than you constantly trying to change his mind, beating yourself up over your mistake, with him holding all the cards and your children in the middle.

Lostinhere

He won't talk to me. If I try he either leaves the house or turns the tv up so I shut up. I have tried to talk but if he does sit down he just ignores me completely.

As far as I know he isn't gay, he even says this blokr is barely a friend!

My sister thinks he just doesn't want to back down and admit he needs to change, you don't sleep in the bed with someone you hate and have sex with them

Gavin83

Then stop having sex with him. Your being a bit of a doormat at the mo.

I have to agree with some of the other posters here, I think this marriage is over and it seems like it has been for some time. I'd suggest getting some advice from CAB and moving on.

Person_one

dancingfairy wrote: »

What sort of person threatens to report you for fraud

Well, she does say that she's wrecked 'their' credit ratings.

Is there any truth to the fraud allegation OP?

Detroit

Lostinhere wrote: »

He won't talk to me. If I try he either leaves the house or turns the tv up so I shut up. I have tried to talk but if he does sit down he just ignores me completely.

As far as I know he isn't gay, he even says this blokr is barely a friend!

My sister thinks he just doesn't want to back down and admit he needs to change, you don't sleep in the bed with someone you hate and have sex with them

I don't suppose for a minute he hates you. That was probably a heat of the moment thing.
But I also wouldn't get your hopes up on the basis of sleeping with you. People do this all the time when relationships are over, for a variety of reasons that don't necessarily have anything to do with trying again.
However, your sister knows you both, while we are commenting with very superficial insight, so she may well be right.
I hope you get a resolution that makes you happy.