Screwed up big time

Pixie5740

Person_one wrote: »

Well, she does say that she's wrecked 'their' credit ratings.

Is there any truth to the fraud allegation OP?

Maybe but then again the £15k could just be in the OP's name but as they have joint accounts they are financially linked to one another so her DMP will impact him.

FBaby

It sounds to me like he was struggling with his role as a main provider whilst dealing with being a family man. He was going along, battling between doing the right thing and trying to get a bit of breathing space and then he got the bombshell about your debts.

To be honest, I have been in the position of finding out that the man I thought I could trust 100% had accumulated a large amount of debt behind my back and I can say that had I found out he had been cheating on me with another woman, I wouldn't have been more hurt. I felt utterly betrayed, and the prospect of having to cope with the stress of debt that I knew nothing about and wasn't mine was devastating.

The way he is reacting is clearly him expressing his anger. I can understand this. Whether he can get over it and start focusing on your marriage will depend on whether he still does love you. In my case, what was left was the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to trust him again and without trust, there couldn't be love, so it had to end. I hope things will be different for you, but my advice would be that to do so, without disputing his fault, it might help to accept that what you did is pretty damaging to any relationship.

Pixie5740

I agree with some of the others, that the debt issue is just an excuse and that he wants out of this marriage. Not that hiding the debt from him was the right thing to do but you know that already.

It takes two to make a marriage work and if he won't even talk to you or agree to marriage counselling there's not much you can do. Maybe it's time to start looking into separation with a view to divorce and stop having sex with him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Telling him you wanted to end the marriage in some sort of ploy to make him do some housework/not go out was manipulative and cruel. For him to find out that he's been lumbered with bad debt of many thousands of pounds without ever knowing would have been horrifying. How did you know he'd blocked your number unless you were calling him after he'd gone out?

Threatening the end of a relationship to obtain control and taking out loans that he never knew about but is having to pay off are both types of abuse. After the initial distress of being told the marriage was over when he didn't want it to be, then finding out about the debt and that you didn't really mean it, you just wanted him to do what you wanted, I'm not entirely surprised at his reaction.

I wouldn't entertain getting back together with somebody who did that to me.


From your version of events, he isn't being particularly nice, but you also behaved extremely badly for a very long time regarding massive debt - you lied to him for five years until he found you out. You thought you'd get more money by threatening to sell your ring (apart from the fact that two hundred pounds to feed 4 people for a month is plenty and he won't have been paid again since that point, and it would have been perfectly possible to support everybody on £19K a year without extra debt - plenty of people do with less, so I don't see how 'it was living expenses' really washes as an excuse), presumably thinking that would upset him enough that he'd hand it over without question. Why would he be bothered when you had already told him the marriage was over?


It sounds to me that this marriage is over. He doesn't have to leave, you don't have to leave, so this has to be dealt with. Engage a solicitor, get it sorted and get a job. You'll be single, so eligible for tax credits/help with childcare - that's what they are there for - to help people who do not have the luxury of retired, healthy parents living nearby or well off and bored friends to look after toddlers for free.


I'm not judging you - I'm looking at what you have said has happened in an impartial way - you aren't going to be able to fix this, it sounds irrevocably broken - so you're going to have to deal with it practically. One of you needs to sleep in another room, he doesn't have to say a word to you if he doesn't want to. It's probably better if he doesn't at the moment, as he's sounding (justifiably) angry and the sorts of emails you're sending each other suggest that as well. To force him into a conversation he doesn't want to have, when it is likely to be either 'a please come back, I'll do anything' or an 'I'll get rid of stuff that I think will hurt you' type scenario, is just going to make things worse.




Sorry that it's come to this. But you're just going to have to get on with things now.

Lostinhere

I'm grateful to hear so many views.

I know the debt is horrifying and I understand his anger, I just don't see how it could stop him loving me just like that. If it were the other way round I'd be angry but I wouldn't leave. I'd still love him.

The 19k really wasn't enough, I'd given up work, we had a large mortgage (700 per month), baby stuff to buy, bills etc... I hadn't been able to work since I got pregnant (bed rest for medical reasons) so we didn't even have savings.... Yes it was stupid

He gave me a grand for all bills (just shy of 800) plus food, petrol everything, whereas normally we would have another grand of his salary to help cover bills etc so it is a struggle especially as he won't give me any more...

I don't know what's in his head and he won't tell me

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

The money wasn't spent willy nilly, it was on living expenses.

He earned 19k at the time, I'd given up work to have our eldest, more than half his salary went on the mortgage and we were struggling.

I should've told him but he never questioned how we afforded things.

Why didn't you?

Lostinhere

I was ashamed. I felt like a failure

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

I was ashamed. I felt like a failure

That's sad. The only money you had coming in was from his wages - it was a simple matter of maths to talk about the money not covering all the bills.

Topcat1982

Maybe he's using the debt thing as an excuse to get out of the marriage without looking like the bad guy who walked out on his family

FBaby

Topcat1982 wrote: »

Maybe he's using the debt thing as an excuse to get out of the marriage without looking like the bad guy who walked out on his family

An excuse really? £15K you didn't know about? Are there really many people out there who wouldn't be affected by finding out that they are £15K in debts because their partner hid it from them?

OP, the best you can do if you still want to try to regain his love/trust is to try to show how that debt was built. If it is a case that it was spent on essentials, even if it will still be hard to accept that you didn't tell him about it, it might be easier to him to forgive than if the money was spent on non essentials/luxuries.