Screwed up big time

Guest101

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Goodness what a mess. This man has been violent in the past - over 6 years ago its worth mentioning. , is abusing you both emotionally and financially - not sure we're reading the same situation! and has effectively decided he no longer wants to be married to you - which he is perfectly entitled to do. . You lied to him about debt and are now using the children as a weapon re his access to them - yes, that is actual abuse. . It certainly sounds like there is no way forward for you together and this atmosphere will affect your children so best you leave now.

Firstly, you mention fraud allegations. Have you actually forged your OHs signature or is the £15k debt in your name? How is this being paid at the moment?

Is moving up to be closer to your family an option? Would they be supportive? I think you will need to leave to get away from this situation and see what benefits you would be entitled to until you are able to return to work.

He's not acting like a saint by any stretch, but neither ris the OP.


As for financial abuse, getting and hiding £15k worth of debt is a pretty good reason to be angry and to take control of finances.

FBaby

I just wish I could sort it out, the debt was wrong yes but shouldn't make him be this way

Why not? You can't tell him how he should feel which is how you think you would feel if the role were reversed.

You are making the mistake of taking his words literally, when they are said out of frustration/anger. The thing about eating is just that, not worth going on about. Him carrying on as if he's fine is just his way of dealing with the situation. Again, it might be different to your way of dealing with it, but it doesn't make it wrong, just different.

Who knows, maybe he is slowly calming down and considering how you can still make it work, but you seem to be more focus on the changes he needs to make than those you should be making too.

Lostinhere

Yes the debt was undoubtedly foolish and wrong and he has every right to be furious. But that doesn't wipe out what he's done or give him a free pass to bad behaviour!

How am I supposed to know if he's saying it's over because he means it (he seems very serious that his minds made up) or just angry?

How is it fair that the last few days he's talking to me, sleeping with me and we're getting along but still says we are not together and won't be? I feel like he's my puppet master atm

And then if I leave no doubt he'll blame me and say it's my fault because I left!

pelirocco

Lostinhere wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. It is a horrible situation.

I don't mind doing all the chores etc it's just that in evenings and weekends i would like him to do something with the children, I can't remember the last time he played with them or did a nappy...

It's almost like I said it was over and he's holding me to it... I just feel so upset and want it to work but he says our marriage was lies because of the debt...

It's like it wipes out everything he's said and done because i got us into debt... And he really doesn't even seem upset

He sees it as a get out of jail free card , he could use the debt as an excuse to get out of the marriage and come out looking the good guy , (or rather not the bad guy ).

Next time he 'pays' you , keep the money and run away ( with your children) ......hopefully your parents can put you up until you can clear your head and think ...and if he wants you he will make the effort , if he doesnt want you , then you know hes not worth it

BTW I am normally very much in the stick it out camp ,I dont advise leaving lightly

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

Yes the debt was undoubtedly foolish and wrong and he has every right to be furious. But that doesn't wipe out what he's done or give him a free pass to bad behaviour!

How am I supposed to know if he's saying it's over because he means it (he seems very serious that his minds made up) or just angry?

How is it fair that the last few days he's talking to me, sleeping with me and we're getting along but still says we are not together and won't be? I feel like he's my puppet master atm

And then if I leave no doubt he'll blame me and say it's my fault because I left!

1: So your using sex to manipulate his emotions?
2: No it doesn't wipe his bad behaviour, but this isn't a contest of 'worlds worst spouse', you both have done wrong.
3: And you'll blame him, and the world will still turn.

Trixi

It's not fair. Neither is it fair that you told him you wanted a divorce, then changed your mind and are now sleeping with him. Or that you got into so much debt and hid it from him. Or that he's been threatened with limited access to his kids.

None of this is 'fair' - it's a mess, and everyone is suffering while you both allow it to continue.

Topcat1982

Guest101 wrote: »

Why should he go to a contact centre, that's really a ridiculous thing to say.

The OP says he's been violent in the past

Lioness_Twinkletoes

Topcat1982 wrote: »

The OP says he's been violent in the past

I have to say, this 'violence' has only just reared it's head.

This is what disturbs me about these threads; we get the views of one party only - yet everything is taken as gospel and suggestions are strongly made that could have such a long term effect based on this information.

I'd love to hear from the husband, I really would.

Lostinhere

I really don't see what's wrong with wanting a contact centre. He has threatened to kidnap the kids (in his words "you'll never find them") and make false allegations to have them removed from me. Whilst he hasn't been violent since I was pregnant with the eldest, he has been emotionally abusive and violent towards objects (he smashed up the stairs and spare room in a temper and I mean smashed!)

I want him to get help for his anger but he will laugh it off if I suggest it now. He would agree if we were happy and supportive.

I'm not using sex as weapon, he initiated it the first time and I only did it because I thought we were making up. Obviously he was using me.

Lostinhere

Ps. I have many witnesses to the bruises he gave me and the police saw the smashed up house.