Screwed up big time

meer53

Lostinhere wrote: »

I've told him a million times but it makes no difference

Nicki - that's unfair, I know what I did was wrong and I've held my hands up to that. However he has threatened to take my kids from me either by taking them or making false allegations to have them taken from me. He's also been violent, he doesn't know his children so he needs supervising. This is a man who has bathed his 13 month old once (cos I was in hospital) and hadn't played with the 6yo for years!

I'm struggling to see why you would love someone like this ? Take a step back and look at what you've said from someone elses perspective !

Really, what's to love ? I know what i'd do, and it wouldn't involve him.

Alias_Omega

Imagine an angry dragon, they are going to spit lots of fire (aka Hot air) and once things calm down they become normal.

You've throw a "divorce me" at him, and then a "btw, we owe £15k". Thats going to take sometime for it to settle in, be accepted and him return to normal.

Until things settle in, and start to become "accepted" expect not-normal communications...

4-6 weeks everything will be back to normal...


I suspect that you both dont really "talk". You both sit on the sofas on iPhone, iPads, Laptops and dont really have a conversation with no distractions from the above (or Tv)... Kids = No nightlife as a couple..

Detroit

I'm sorry to hear things have become worse.
I really think you need to remove yourself from this situation and take some time to think calmly, ideally with someone supportive to talk to, and help you keep things on an even keel for the children.
You don't have to rush into big decisions about child arrangements and moving away all in one day and during an argument. These things need to be considered carefully, and not in the heat of emotion.
Could you stay with a friend or family temporarily? This would get you and the children out of this situation, give you time to think things through, and also give you chance get some advice on your rights and options before talking again to your husband.
Maybe when you've both had some space you can have a calmer discussion and decide on your future plans.

Lostinhere

No there's no one I could stay with even for a night. No one he could stay with either. If I left it would have to be permanent.

I thought he was calming down as we were getting along til yesterday but it's like he's punishing me and I have to prove myself which isn't fair because it's not just about the debt it's about his behaviour too.

I just wish I knew one way or another what he wanted, he says he wants to split but it's mixed signals. If I leave I don't have much time as my eldest needs a new school for September (she's moving school for other reasons) and that school can either be here or 50 miles away depending what happens

Mupette

You need to contact womans aid like people have suggested, they can help with support.

You need to distance yourselves, this is not helping the children, its not him it is both of you.

He is angry you are angry.

Sorry to say but i would also suggest the sex is a no no, if he's been switch the phone off and partying all night then i want my body checked for std's. He will continue to have sex with you, its not love its just on tap.

Never EVER have your rows in front of your children, BOTH of you upset your daughter, BOTH of you have to take responsibility of the things you said.

If there has been violence etc then it doesn't matter how many times you tell him or us that you love him (believe me been there, i was a human punchbag and now suffer health wise because of it - do you want that?)

Your scared to go alone, we get that, a lot of us have been in your shoes, your not the first and you will not be the last trust me.

Pull your socks up and face up to what has happened and move on, you doing this for you, him and the children.

And to uproot your children for there mental and physical well being is important! It's not about you and how you feel and what you want. There was no communication on both sides when it was really needed.

I'm an only child i had no one to help me, i was left in debt by my first husband, took me years to get out of that, he had bills in both our names and left me to pay for them by myself, 16 years have past, i am debt free and happily married (4 years tomorrow)

I had to do most of the stuff myself, my parents were not particularly helpful at the time, i grew a pair and had to just get on with it. Loads of us on here did the same.

The emotional scars are still with me but that's my problem.


Womans Aid today, there are sticky posts at the top of this section designed to help you. You are here asking for help.

I just wish I knew one way or another what he wanted, he says he wants to split but it's mixed signals. If I leave I don't have much time as my eldest needs a new school for September (she's moving school for other reasons) and that school can either be here or 50 miles away depending what happens

You already know, he doesn't want to be with you.

FBaby

However he has threatened to take my kids from me either by taking them or making false allegations to have them taken from me. He's also been violent, he doesn't know his children so he needs supervising. This is a man who has bathed his 13 month old once (cos I was in hospital) and hadn't played with the 6yo for years!

yet you are desperate now to stay with him, it doesn't make much sense. Have you really never left the kids with him alone, even for one hour to go and get something to the shops?

I agree with Nicki, I think you are lacking insight on your behaviour. You are the one who mentioned divorce first, that must have been devastating for him then, yet you seem to resent him for the fact that now you've changed your mine, he isn't willing to go with what you want.

Surely if he is such a horrible dad, that can't be trusted with them, why would you want to stay with him anyway? Why are you undermining his statement that he is depressed? Maybe he is and going out is the only thing that helps him clear his mind up.

You really don't seem to bring the best of each other so think going your separate way is probably best, but it is so sad that both of you could use the kids as a way to hurt each other.

Lostinhere

No I have never willingly left them with him. When I had an operation he had them for 3 days but that's all.

My friend pointed out something. A few days ago when we were getting along,I asked him to play with the baby while I bathed the eldest, and then read with her while I bathed the baby... And he did! Normally he'd watch tv and leave them to it. He also hasn't been out drinking for 3 weeks (though his friend now has a gf so this may be why) and we were getting along..

Maybe he was trying to change and waiting to see if I did?

Mupette

Lostinhere wrote: »

No I have never willingly left them with him. When I had an operation he had them for 3 days but that's all.

My friend pointed out something. A few days ago when we were getting along,I asked him to play with the baby while I bathed the eldest, and then read with her while I bathed the baby... And he did! Normally he'd watch tv and leave them to it. He also hasn't been out drinking for 3 weeks (though his friend now has a gf so this may be why) and we were getting along..

Maybe he was trying to change and waiting to see if I did?

No your just wishing it to happen and i fear you are heading for a big fall, the damage is done the trust is broken, as you said he can be fine and then ask you why YOU are eating HIS food, is that acceptable? are you happy for him to treat you like this?

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I'm afraid it escalated today.

We'd managed to get on well over the past few days, not discussing the issues but small talk etc. With it being Father's Day I got cards from the kids etc.

He then asked me why I was using "his" food and it escalated as I said its normal if we're married and he said we're no longer married. I asked him if he wanted to split up and he said yes. So I said ok you want to be single.

Well then he got angry saying he didn't want to be single?? That we were split up and he's made his mind up that it's done. Started mosning about the debt.

We rarely argue in front of the kids but the 6yo heard and started telling dh off. I calmed her down and explained the split, no blame, that we all love her but we want different things (he denied that) and couldn't get along. He nastily said it was because of my lies.

I explained he would see the kids at a contact centre twice a month as he doesn't really know them or do anything with them and there was previous violence before they were born.

Then, he nastily said to the 6yo that he would never see her again because he will not go to a contact centre. She got upset at his tone and he said she was "messed up" because of me and is turned her against him.

I've decided to leave because there is no hope of him backing down or accepting any blame. He won't change or think he needs to.

I am heartbroken that I have to leave my lovely home (in his name) and go into rented (no income and credit rating dire). He won't let me stay in the house andhe won't leave but it's intolerable.

Why should he go to a contact centre, that's really a ridiculous thing to say.

Lostinhere

No, I'm not happy about it. I just wish I could sort it out, the debt was wrong yes but shouldn't make him be this way.

He's carrying on like he's fine, sorting out swings for the kids in the garden and building them a playhouse...he obviously doesn't think I will leave but then neither will he!

It is unfair, he's being petty saying its "his" food and "his" house but then the things I have paid for, like our bed, he still uses!