Screwed up big time

FBaby

If a couple are used to two incomes and one person stops earning, it's down to both of them to reassess the family budget.

I don't believe for a second that the debt occurred as a result a reduced budget that meant essentials couldn't be paid. OP doesn't seem to be afraid to show herself as a victim, so I very much doubt if that was the case, that she wouldn't have come crying to her husband that she couldn't pay the bills.

She has said in a number of posts that she didn't say anything because she was ashamed. I expect ashamed because she spent the money on unnecessary stuff and that's the reason why he went berserk when he found out. I would even not be surprised if he has questioned her about some of her spending but she had told him that all was fine, making it even more difficult to come clean.

Nicki

I'm not sure why you are arguing with me Pollycat as your set up is the normal state of affairs and what the OP denied her husband of.

I agree I would expect to sign something for joint credit. The fact OP's husband is upset and threatening to have her prosecuted for fraud is because he didn't sign for it (so by implication she signed for him without telling him about it)

You don't expect your husband to tell you about debt because you discuss your finances. That's exactly the point isn't it - the normal run of things is to discuss financial problems and big spends and most of us do that. OP hid them from her OH, ran them mostly up on a line of credit he knew nothing about and when they did enter into a DMP this was only for a credit card which he did know about just didn't know the exact balance and didn't know there were also other debts because the OP continued to hide them.

It sounds like you trust your OH as I do mine and OP's OH did her. So you and I wouldn't go looking for hidden debts because we had no reason to do so and nor did he. He's started to pay them off already and the issue is whether OP should screw him over by making him pay them off in full whilst also paying maintenance for her and the kids so she can choose not to work or work reduced hours while the kids are young, rather than her sharing the paying this large sum back and removing the burden from her OH more quickly

lozzy81

i find it slightly worrying op has not been back this evening... back under a bridge? or did the husband catch up with her? or is she in a bnb with no internet safe and sound??

pigpen

lozzy81 wrote: »

i find it slightly worrying op has not been back this evening... back under a bridge? or did the husband catch up with her? or is she in a bnb with no internet safe and sound??

Maybe she's on bridge shift

Smodlet

Maybe DH is serenading her under her B&B window, prior to begging her to come back and they will all live happily every after... wish I thought this was the case but I seriously doubt it.

She and he both sound so immature. It is the children I feel sorry for. I don't think their parents have finished being children themselves.

Pollycat

Nicki wrote: »

I'm not sure why you are arguing with me Pollycat as your set up is the normal state of affairs and what the OP denied her husband of.

I wasn't aware that I was arguing with you.

Guest101

Pollycat wrote: »

Not in my book.
It's a joint responsibility to be aware that everything is ticking along nicely. - So what does the non-working partner do exactly, in your book?

A child - imho - from a financial perspective. - Glad my partner isn't like you

I think the OP is more to blame in this whole sorry mess for running up the debt without saying anything but I also think the husband isn't blameless for assuming she was managing.

I don't actually need to expect my spouse to tell me if he was applying for credit in my name (I'd actually expect to have to sign something in that particular scenario) or carrying credit card debt for more than a few months.
We have joint finances and both have access to the online accounts.
I update with any spend I make and he does the same.
We discuss any large spends, whether they are house-related or personal.

It just seems to me that you don't trust your partner with that mentality.

lilibet1

I have been watching this thread since the beginning and some of the posters have been very rude and bullied the poor woman. I would love to see how many of you would be happy if your other half disappeared overnight. It's a ludicrous situation and he obviously wasn't taking any notice of how she was managing and then threw his toys out of the pram when he realised there was debt....

Good luck to you with your future ahead.
Lili

Pollycat

The 'nonworking partner' does stuff at home - preferably agreed with the working partner.
Maybe looks after any children, cooking etc.

Both I and OH worked full-time and split the household jobs but checked finances together.
When I retired and was at home for 3 years whilst he still worked full-time, I did the housework, shopping. cooking, meal-planning, gardening.
But we still did the finances together.
Now we're both retired, we still share financial responsibility for day-to-day and future expenditure.
We discuss the state of our investments (been a busy week after the referendum with the free-fall of share prices) and decide together about selling/buying - although he does spend more time than me reading market reports.

I happen to think that financial responsibilty is far too important to be left to one person.
That's not a matter or trust or mistrust - just a sensible way to behave (and ensure that we don't end up in the same situation as the OP and a number of other people we know).

It's our money - our responsibility.

I would most certainly prefer not to be the partner of someone who is content to leave financial matters to another person.

Guest101 wrote: »

It just seems to me that you don't trust your partner with that mentality.

I have no idea where you have got that from. You are very, very wrong in your assessment.

The post below is more accurate.

Nicki wrote: »

It sounds like you trust your OH as I do mine and OP's OH did her. So you and I wouldn't go looking for hidden debts because we had no reason to do so and nor did he. He's started to pay them off already and the issue is whether OP should screw him over by making him pay them off in full whilst also paying maintenance for her and the kids so she can choose not to work or work reduced hours while the kids are young, rather than her sharing the paying this large sum back and removing the burden from her OH more quickly

FTR - the 'child' I divorced was happy if he had £10 in his pocket to buy a few drinks.
He didn't care how much the electricity bill was or if we had enough money to pay it.
If he didn't have his £10 for beers he'd use our credit card to withdraw cash, despite me explaining that it was costing us money for him to do that.
He put a deposit down on a sports car without telling me - which we couldn't afford.
I would much rather live with a partner who takes equal responsibility for money than someone who is 'content' to leave it to someone else.

Guest101

Pollycat wrote: »

The 'nonworking partner' does stuff at home - preferably agreed with the working partner.
Maybe looks after any children, cooking etc. - But not the finances? Children, totally fine to take over responsibility for the living and breathing, but not the credit card?

Both I and OH worked full-time and split the household jobs but checked finances together. - That's not the same situation.
When I retired and was at home for 3 years whilst he still worked full-time, I did the housework, shopping. cooking, meal-planning, gardening.
But we still did the finances together. - So any other way is totally wrong?
Now we're both retired, we still share financial responsibility for day-to-day and future expenditure.
We discuss the state of our investments (been a busy week after the referendum with the free-fall of share prices) and decide together about selling/buying - although he does spend more time than me reading market reports. - But those are joint assets. Not one person running up credit the other doesn't know about?

I happen to think that financial responsibilty is far too important to be left to one person. - I disagree.
That's not a matter or trust or mistrust - just a sensible way to behave (and ensure that we don't end up in the same situation as the OP and a number of other people we know). - But actually you could end up in that situation. the OPs OH didn't know about it, because she fraudulently took out credit in his name.

It's our money - our responsibility. - But not the children....

I would most certainly prefer not to be the partner of someone who is content to leave financial matters to another person. - Glad we agree


I have no idea where you have got that from. You are very, very wrong in your assessment. - Well I trust my partner, and therefore leave the finances to her.

The post below is more accurate.



FTR - the 'child' I divorced was happy if he had £10 in his pocket to buy a few drinks. - That has nothing to do with one person working and one not working.
He didn't care how much the electricity bill was or if we had enough money to pay it.
If he didn't have his £10 for beers he'd use our credit card to withdraw cash, despite me explaining that it was costing us money for him to do that.
He put a deposit down on a sports car without telling me - which we couldn't afford.
I would much rather live with a partner who takes equal responsibility for money than someone who is 'content' to leave it to someone else.

I doubt we'll agree on this - thankfully we don't have to