Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

shannonhill

I remember reading some interesting research about this.

It goes like this:

Arranged marriages all around the world work better than love marriages. This happens for a reason: Most relationships end in empty love, where there is just commitment. When a couple fall in love and marry, their relationship begins with love. Years later, when they lose most of the drive and passion, most couples simply cannot come into terms with the empty relationship they're having. This results in breakups.

For an arranged marriage, however, the relationship begins in empty love, as they begin their married life as complete strangers. Years later, when they lose the passion, they are able to come into terms with the situation, as they began their relationship that way. This helps them stay together."

In most relationships, the passion goes away after years. The key is to be great friends and understand each other.

74jax

[QUOTE=shannonhill;70701681, ."

In most relationships, the passion goes away after years. The key is to be great friends and understand each other.[/QUOTE]

That's so sad.

I know a few couples and they are still very much in love and very 'couplely' I don't think I know anyone in a passionless marriage - but I guess wouldn't I know..... They could be holding hands, cuddling etc in social situations but different in private.

My close friend talk about relationships and are very much the opposite to your statement.

FBaby

I think the reason why arrange marriages work well is because of the difference in expectations going into the relationship. When you don't expect passionate love, then you don't feel hard done by when you don't get it. You go in knowing you are doing so for commitment and that's what you get. I do agree that love can grow from there, but I do believe that there are many unhappy partners in arrange marriages just as much as they are in marriages that started from pure passion.

Whether the passion remains or not is dependent on many factors, but I do think that one error many couples make is assuming that because all is perfect, it will remain so without efforts. I believe that the strongest marriages are those that acknowledge that strength is something you need to put on-going efforts it to keep it that way.

missbiggles1

74jax wrote: »

That's so sad.

I know a few couples and they are still very much in love and very 'couplely' I don't think I know anyone in a passionless marriage - but I guess wouldn't I know..... They could be holding hands, cuddling etc in social situations but different in private.

My close friend talk about relationships and are very much the opposite to your statement.

I don't think that's sad at all.

What's sad is when people leave perfectly good marriages/families/relationships because they want to feel "in love" with somebody else.

The only thing sadder is when people do it more than once.

FBaby

It's sad for some, not for others. You have those who will hit a tough time, work it through and end up with a stronger marriage as a result. You will have those who will accept it and remain unhappy in the marriage, later either believing it was a better compromise, others regretting it.

Then you will have those who will choose to go, where both will end up unhappier as a result, alone or together, and then you will have those where both will end up thanking fate for it as they will meet someone else that will make them much happier.

There are instances of all of the above in my family alone!

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

It's sad for some, not for others. You have those who will hit a tough time, work it through and end up with a stronger marriage as a result. You will have those who will accept it and remain unhappy in the marriage, later either believing it was a better compromise, others regretting it.

Then you will have those who will choose to go, where both will end up unhappier as a result, alone or together, and then you will have those where both will end up thanking fate for it as they will meet someone else that will make them much happier.

There are instances of all of the above in my family alone!

I don't think we were talking about people being actually unhappy in a relationship, just about people not being excited any more.

pollypenny

I like the old saying;

Kissing don't last, cooking do. (Sic)

We've had some tempestuous times, but we really are content now. Retirement helps, too.

missbiggles1

pollypenny wrote: »

I like the old saying;

Kissing don't last, cooking do. (Sic)

We've had some tempestuous times, but we really are content now. Retirement helps, too.

I'm also fond of " The deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-longue" as representative of happiness in a long marriage.

74jax

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't think we were talking about people being actually unhappy in a relationship, just about people not being excited any more.

I think I'm on different wave length too, I was meaning about having s@x, and being intimate....:rotfl:

Whoops sorry folks, I totally read it wrong.

FBaby

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't think we were talking about people being actually unhappy in a relationship, just about people not being excited any more.

I still think it applies though. It's a natural instinct for some people to always aspire for more. Sometimes it achieves success, sometimes it doesn't.

When you leave someone with whom you had an somehow satisfying relationship, but not fulfilling, and then meet someone with you get to experience this feeling, then you can look back and believe it was the best decision ever (especially if the person you left also got to be someone who makes them even happier).

If however it leaves you with regrets that you didn't appreciate what you had, took it for granted, and wishing you could go back and be grateful for what you had, then clearly you're going to believe that you made a mistake.