Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

seven-day-weekend

I went back to work full-time at the age of 46, in a career that involved my degree which I got in my late 30s, and in my early 50s got a promotion, beating two young men to do so x

Mojisola

missbiggles1 wrote: »

but there are many courses and qualifications you can do in a year that would allow someone to embark on a career lasting around 15 years.

Choosing to use professions like medicine, law & etc. as examples just shows your bias - many people have fulfilling careers outside these employment areas. Thinking otherwise is an insult to all those women (and men) who have worthwhile careers in social care, administration and sales (to name but 3).

Got to agree with this.

My Mum did a year's course, went straight into a job in a big office and worked there til she retired. She didn't progress up a career ladder but she enjoyed her job and it gave her a real boost to take on new challenges and succeed.

bugslet

fiery, you post something, people will come up with alternatives otherwise we all sit here saying, 'yes fiery, she shouldn't bother'. Which is a bit dull, I certainly haven't seen anyone being grumpy with you.

And may be she shouldn't, you know her better than random internet peeps do.

Given that it's been her nature to settle for less than she could maybe have had in terms of husband material, then maybe that's her mindset for work. There's no harm in that, she's only selling herself short.

At the grand old age of 52, my interest in gardening has been resurrected and I'm currently doing a short course, no exams, just for interest...but I have looked at a course that would lead to a degree in garden landscaping. No, I don't think it's a proper degree either, but I don't make the rules:D. I'm wondering if I have the time to commit to the study. No idea if it would be a new career in case Bugs Transport fails or I get fed up of doing this, but it opens up possibilities and that's what counts.

If you always do what you've always done, nothing changes and I find it sad that your colleague feels trapped in an OK but not stellar marriage. I do appreciate that sometimes it's the most safe option to take with regard to finances, but it's still a sad state of affairs.

NBLondon

This has been fascinating to see such different responses.


We've just passed our 17th anniversary and it's been a mixture of lust and caring and making each other laugh and some shared interests/attitudes and some separate ones. Maybe meeting in our 30s made a difference; most of us are a different person at 30 compared to who we were at 20 so our idea of our soulmate may well change too. There are definitely irritants on both sides - some of which weren't there last century (snoring for a start) - but we work through them.


I think there are some people who just cannot bear to be alone; they feel they have to be in a relationship and would rather be in a bad one than none at all. Might be their individual personality, might be what they see as a pressure to be coupled. I have known people who admit that were dating person X to be going on with until someone better came along (whether or not X realised this). So I can believe that there are people who married Mr/Ms "Alright I Suppose" because they hadn't yet met Mr/Ms Right and ended up sticking with it when kids came into the equation or finances or other circumstance made getting out hard to contemplate. Or indeed, settled into a comfy rut.


And though many of us may not like to admit it - there are still women who marry/partner for status or financial reasons rather than love and men who marry/partner for lust or a convenient housekeeper. Sometimes both parties accept this - sometimes one is oblivious. Sometimes one is in love and thinks/hopes the other will join them in time.

Meepmeep

My point about the 80 year old, which granted I didn't spell out, was that regardless of age one can still find interests and hobbies that make them feel alive and add to their lives. He obviously wasn't going to use a degree for employments sake

Re the retraining - yes, it often involves money and time which can be in short supply for most of us. I retrained and even though I'm not that old, I do sometimes regret it. The drop in salary, the many many hours of studying just to get a job that's okay but doesn't make me leap out of bed.

So I don't necessarily think retraining is the answer at all. Not unless you are doing it for the journey rather than the end point (I.e a job) as the end point may not materialise.

missbiggles1

Mojisola wrote: »

Got to agree with this.

My Mum did a year's course, went straight into a job in a big office and worked there til she retired. She didn't progress up a career ladder but she enjoyed her job and it gave her a real boost to take on new challenges and succeed.

Back in the 1960s, my mum went into the Civil Service as a CA at the age of 50, was promoted to CO a few years later and would've been promoted to EO 8 years later if she's been prepared to commute to central London. She'd been in domestic service before she married and had only done cleaning jobs when I was young.

Nowadays she'd obviously need a few GCSEs to be able to do that but she had a decent career in the last 10/15 years of her working life, even back then.

missbiggles1

Meepmeep wrote: »

My point about the 80 year old, which granted I didn't spell out, was that regardless of age one can still find interests and hobbies that make them feel alive and add to their lives. He obviously wasn't going to use a degree for employments sake

Re the retraining - yes, it often involves money and time which can be in short supply for most of us. I retrained and even though I'm not that old, I do sometimes regret it. The drop in salary, the many many hours of studying just to get a job that's okay but doesn't make me leap out of bed.

So I don't necessarily think retraining is the answer at all. Not unless you are doing it for the journey rather than the end point (I.e a job) as the end point may not materialise.

If you retrain in later life, most people choose to do it in an area where they know there are skills shortages rather than simply doing a course they just fancy which is what many younger people do.

If you know there are plenty of vacancies for qualified care workers, plumbers or admin staff then you increase your chances of post qualification success.

Dill

My ex mother in law went back to work in her late 50s/early 60s. She worked a couple of years doing admin for the NHS, then retired and got a full NHS pension. She was pretty wily!

MPD

NBLondon wrote: »

And though many of us may not like to admit it - there are still women who marry/partner for status or financial reasons rather than love and men who marry/partner for lust or a convenient housekeeper. Sometimes both parties accept this - sometimes one is oblivious. Sometimes one is in love and thinks/hopes the other will join them in time.

This is why one of my friends thinks marriage is legalised prostitution. I'm not quite so cynical but I do wonder why rich men so often end up with attractive wives. I guess I'm lucky, not rich but I'm punching above my weight.

cells

Limerence (infatuated love)* typically does not last more than 1 year no matter how perfect the person is. Maybe the trick is to be friends long term. If the person you are married to you would be friends with if you were not married to them that should be seen as a good setup. Or if the person is a good father/mother and good with the household thats also a good setup even if you have totally different interests.

The idea of leaving someone to try and find Limerence is probably silly especially if you are over the age of 35 and even if you do its 6-12 months and then you lose it again




*Limerence (infatuated love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.