Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

fierystormcloud

I recently read an article about a certain celebrity who is constantly dating different women, and some people were saying ‘oh he’s so shallow,’ and ‘why doesn't he settle down?’ A few others said ‘it’s his business,’ and he is ‘living the dream.’

One person posted a comment that was interesting. He/she said;

“The odds of anyone experiencing real romantic love are very low. Most people confuse lust, and basic affection for love. And because many people feel pressured by society to be with someone, many settle for someone in order to not be lonely, whilst often fantasising about being with someone else.” Most people don’t experience genuine romantic love. It’s why so many people cheat and/or divorce.”

I read this out to a colleague at work, who – to my shock and amazement – admitted that she had never really been in love with her husband of 29 years, (who she has been with for 33 years.)

She said it was the early to mid 80s, she was 23, she had never had a boyfriend that had lasted longer than 2-4 months, and at the time, she had been single for a year and a half… So when this guy asked her out, she accepted. She said he was decent looking and had a job and a car, so she thought ‘why not?’ Especially as everyone around her was married, and constantly questioning why she was still single at 23. They had a few things in common, and he was OK.

She said their relationship made a natural progression of moving in together and getting married. So they met, moved in together, and had 2 children. All within 5 years of meeting. She said back in those days, many girls from working class families felt they had to get married, because it was so hard to be alone. Not only financially, but also the pressure from everyone asking if you are ‘courting.’

She said that the girls she knew who never married, just ended up living with their parents forever, and working in factories all their lives! And back in the day, when she was young; working class girls didn’t generally go to university, and were pushed out to work by their parents, to get some money into the family. And so getting married was a way out, and was preferable to being alone. So for many girls; as long as a man had his own teeth, and a job, he would do.

My colleague said she was one of these girls, and that she has never been in love with her husband. She said she cares about him, and he is a good father and provider, and they get on OK, and she has some good times with him; a few good holidays, meals out, pub nights etc.

But she also said that he gets on her nerves sometimes. They have a few things in common, but are quite different in many ways, like they have quite different political views and so on. He is also bitter about the cards he has been dealt in life… low paid monotonous job, little money, never had any real opportunities in life, and is jealous of others with more than him, and is quite resentful and holds grudges. Apparently though, despite several opportunities to climb the ladder in the workplace, he has never took any. But still moans about his lot in life.

She said she sometimes fantasises about being with a rich and ambitious man who is a high flyer, and actually having a life full of luxury, and not 3 pay cheques away from losing their home, rather than constantly penny-pinching and never being able to buy anything without taking out a loan. I asked her if maybe she could have tried to better herself, and leave, but she just shook her head and said 'girls like me were never meant to get anywhere in life; no academic qualifications, working class background, kept down from day one. I could never have made it on my own, and particularly with 2 kids to look after.'

The kids have left now, but she says she doesn't have it in her to leave now. Mid 50s, no academic qualifications, basic and fragmented work experience, spent 13-14 years at home with the kids. She said if she won the lottery tomorrow, she would leave him. But the thought of being alone with little money terrifies her. So staying with him is a better option. Especially as he is OK half the time, and she does have some good times with him.

As I said, I was shocked to hear this, and wonder how many others feel the same, or have been through the same… Just being with anyone that will do, rather than being alone. And then spending their whole life with them; whilst never really being in love with them.

She then went on to say ‘I have never been in love, and it breaks my heart to think that I will die, never knowing what true love is, or what it feels like to be with someone who makes your heart pound, and who you look forward to seeing every single day…….’ Which I found one of the saddest things I have ever heard.

I think there are more people in this situation than many people think. I remember seeing an article in a magazine once, about people’s top regrets in life. The No 1 regret of the 50,000 people who took part, was spending their life with someone they weren't in love with.

So I just wondered, does anyone here know someone like this? Or is anyone prepared to admit that they are/have been in this situation? Spending your life with someone you are not in love with because you don’t want to be alone?

AubreyMac

The grass always look greener sometimes.


Everyone has their own perception of love and a soulmate.


My parents have been married nearly half a century and got together out of cultural and generational expectation (back then in their country you just marry the first and nearest convenient single person). They grew to love each other. They are not 'in love' as in they are not romantic and affectionate but they love each other as in they respect and appreciate what each other bring into the household (not just financial but my dad is good at DIY & driving and does 100% of DIY jobs and mum is a good home maker).


My friend married her childhood sweetheart, he is a nice reliable guy who is a good husband and father but he's extremely boring and predictable. My friend claims to not be 'in love' with him but appreciates he's a kind, gentle and dependable man and as she puts it, her love for him is more of 'how can you NOT love a nice guy'.

pigpen

fierystormcloud wrote: »

So I just wondered, does anyone here know someone like this? Or is anyone prepared to admit that they are/have been in this situation? Spending your life with someone you are not in love with because you don’t want to be alone?

My mother married my dad because it was the 'done thing' to leave school, get married, have children etc.. early 70's.. They were separated by 23. My mother said if you weren't married by 20 you were 'on the shelf' ... but the local area has always had a high percentage of earlier marriages and teenage pregnancy so it is just that. Even now people here tend to have children younger, marriage is less of a priority now.


I don't think it is all about 'not wanting to be alone' there is a lot of pressure to find someone to be with and really hard to be alone.. people just tend to feel sorry for you as a lonely unwanted soul from what I have seen with my siblings. I am quite envious of those who are single and loving life, doing what they please, answerable to noone etc.

My OH is not in love with me, nor I him.. I love him though I don't tell him, I love my cats and my friends and lots of people but I'm not 'in love' with any of them.. and he has said he loves me once, in a text a few weeks ago.. but not in that manner and I don't think it is realistic to expect the passion of the early months to continue years and years in the future.. I'm happy with someone who cares about me, makes me happy and is just nice.. Having escaped an abusive relationship and still the ongoing power that has over me I am happy with my lot.. I'd rather be happy than 'in love' .. the whole concept seems pretty immature and fantasy-like tbh. Would I marry him?? I don't know.. possibly..

My sister at 32 is in a miserable relationship but afraid to end it because it will be 'another failed relationship' ... but why should that be anything to do with anyone else? Why should she be miserable? Yet society pressures people into relationships.. how often do you see adverts with single people enjoying their life and freedom?

How many times to you hear those in abusive relationships say 'but I love him' when told they should leave?? I will not be that person again.

I think the not being 'in love' is more the norm than the opposite.

fierystormcloud

Thanks AubreyMac. And thanks to Pigpen too for your frank and honest answer. Although Pigpen, you say you are a bit envious of your single friends freedom and their 'loving life.' Chances are, they are not as happy as you think, and actually envy you!

As I said, I reckon some people are not as blissfully happy as they appear. This woman I was on about seemed to have a wonderful relationship with her husband, and a few others actually envied her a little! So I was shocked to hear she was not in love with her husband. Like your parents Pigpen, she was also a product of the time when a woman got married as an expectation, and took the nearest available single man!

As that person I mentioned said, this is probably why so many people have affairs, because they are not happy in their marriage, and are bored, and possibly don't even get on with their spouse. They can't be truly in love with them, or why would they cheat?

Also, many men who cheat, end up staying with their wife. Is it because he had an epiphany and realised that he loves her so much after all? Is it hell. It's just easier and more convenient, and a lot less messy to stick with the wife. Most men have more invested in the wife, like the home, the kids, the financial ties, the extended families etc... Like I said, if he truly loved her, he would not have cheated. (And the same the other way around; as women cheat too!)

Why on EARTH do people stay when a partner has cheated? I mean has any marriage or relationship ever benefited from an affair?

And yes, I also find it odd when women stay with men who beat them, and say they stay because they love them! !!!!!!?!

missbiggles1

I think it's far more important to love someone than it is to be in love with them.

fierystormcloud

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I think it's far more important to love someone than it is to be in love with them.

What do you think the difference is Miss B?

And why is it better to love them, rather than be in love with them?

System

Any bookworms out there, Alain de Botton's Essays in Love is a good read on this subject

missbiggles1

fierystormcloud wrote: »

What do you think the difference is Miss B?

And why is it better to love them, rather than be in love with them?

Love lasts - being "in love" doesn't.

maman

I think the 'cards they were dealt with in life' has probably more to do with your colleague's situation. It sounds like both of them have accepted it in their different ways. He likes to moan about the unfairness now and again but hasn't accepted any opportunities to change things. She accepts her lot as presumably she chose to be a SAHM for 14 years and has done nothing about improving her qualifications or her CV.


While I do realise that some people are born into some very difficult circumstances it is possible to change things if you're not happy. People make choices. It sounds like this couple have chosen to do nothing about it, maybe because it's easier to moan than work hard to make changes. It happens at the other end of the scale too where the wives of very wealthy men choose to stay rather than give up the lifestyle.


It's still not too late if she's unhappy. There's a big rise in 'silver separation' as many people have a LBM and decide they want more from life.

ripplyuk

I think it's all overrated.

Everyones definition of love and being 'in love' is different so it's hard to know exactly what people feel about their partners, but to me, being 'in love' is just the initial infatuation, a chemical/pheromone compatibility. It has no bearing on whether the person will be kind, loyal, a good provider, good with children etc. They may even be a total nightmare. Plenty of people in abusive relationships love their partner.

I think it's important to be attracted to your partner, or at least not to find them unattractive! But apart from that, it's better to use your head, not your heart. Easier said than done of course. There definitely is an issue with women putting up with all sorts rather than being alone. I can understand that, as we all invest so much in a long term relationship that it's very hard to walk away. Also, society still seems to think it's unfortunate if a woman is single.

I remember being told "Love is great, but never be a slave to it".

Cloudane

Yeah, there is still an unbelievable amount of pressure to get on the marriage/house/kids treadmill regardless of whether or not all that interests you. Here's a shocking confession: I'm in my 30s, happily single, and live with my parents, and am content to do so. I can already see the pitchforked mob coming to call me a sad person, a burden on my parents and a failure at life. There are programmes on Channel 4 about people like me
Yet I do have a full-time job, pay my way in the household and my parents want me around (they've made that clear). I enjoy their company and vice versa. It's a win for us all in a country where houses are so expensive and living costs are so high and it just makes very little sense to try and struggle along on your own.

If I did find someone who also had an income then it'd obviously open up other options and priorities, and sharing between 2 is more feasible. I'm aware of the chicken-and-egg problem between "finding someone" and "living with your parents" though (puts off a lot of people) but the kicker is I'm not actually all that interested.
A modern workaround is perhaps living with friends or seeking random lodgers but er... I already know what I'm getting with the people I live with and it's stable Vs. potential problems, having to find new lodgers when people marry off and move on etc.

It seems more likely at this point that I'll be there for life and end up looking after them into old age, repaying the favour they did me when I was a kid. Can't see how that's a big crime really - beats carting them off to some old folks home in 2-3 decades time.

Honestly I think the pressure is an old habit and also one of the things that used to feed into homophobia as well - it used to be a lot more necessary to have as many people as possible reproducing, and someone who wouldn't or couldn't was considered an unfortunate waste of a person. But now there are 7 billion people on this crowded little rock, with very little progress towards getting off it in recent decades, and it's expanding all the time. There's just no need for everyone to be spawning. Maybe given the current global relations that will all change when WW3 hits and the world's population is decimated, but I think we'll have worse things to worry about at that point anyway and we certainly won't be sitting here posting on the internet...

But yeah if I had £1 for every time someone judged me negatively for being a singleton living with parents or assumed I was unhappy, I'd be able to have my own mansion :P

From a "MoneySaving" point of view I see it that I'm not unnecessarily struggling away trying to pay a mortgage or commercial rent costs (sharing costs is different to paying for-profit rental), my parents hopefully won't have to go into care late in life if I'm around to help and so won't have to sell the house to pay for it, there isn't the potential senseless waste of divorce costs when the marriage you were pressured into falls apart and we can all afford to do the things we love and go places.

I'll probably get a lot of hate for this, but oh well - from my PoV am not doing anyone any harm. There are people in far worse situations in the world and people who do much worse things in society than the crime of being single and living with parents :shrug: