Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

AubreyMac

I think there is still a social stigma about being long term single, especially for men.


One of my male friends thinks being married is more for status for men, especially those in top positions in work.


I also think being 'in love' can/does wear out.


I do know a few really happy and close couples but most I know there is some form of dependency and need to not be alone. This doesn't mean they are unhappy though.


I was brought up an only child and currently live on my own, so I have learnt to be independent and self reliant. Therefore with a partner it is an essential criteria that there is chemistry there, that we have lots of fun and laughter together. I could not put up with someone 'boring but reliable', I do not need a provider as such.


As for a cheating partner, my grandfather had an affair. Back then my grandma had nowhere else to go so had to stay. She made it her mission to make the rest of his life hell and would verbally beat him down about it each day. It may have made her feel better to punish him this way but she made herself ill over it and both died rather young (grandma ensured she was buried really far from him). I would never want to live like this so if a boyfriend ever cheated, he'd be chucked immediately.

LittleOne

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Why on EARTH do people stay when a partner has cheated? I mean has any marriage or relationship ever benefited from an affair?

I used to wonder this too. I used to think someone who took a cheater back was sad, insecure and stupid. Then it happened to me and everything changed.

Therefore if a couple can work through the reasons for the unhappiness, then they can finish up stronger than they were before the affair.

This is absolutely true.
Everyone's circumstances are different.

What happened in my relationship gave me the biggest kick up the rear end ever. I changed my whole life after it happened. Changed my job, rekindled with old friends, became stronger, more independant and put myself first for a change. A year later, we came back together and now 10 years on we are in a stronger, happier, healthier relationship than ever.

It's not healthy to live in someone's pocket, no matter how much you love them. You need your time away from that person. Your own interests, hobbys, friends, etc ... I think this makes for much happier, exciting relationship.

catkins

74jax wrote: »

My hubby is most certainly not my best friend, I have friends that I feel so unbelievably comfortable with in a different way to my husband. I wouldn't chose spending time with my husband over my friends, or the other way round really.

I would find that odd. To me your wife or husband should be your best friend and the person you prefer to spend time with.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

If I hadn't preferred my husband's company to that of anybody else I wouldn't have thought myself to be happily married - the same goes for knowing he was my best friend.

I'm glad you're happy in your situation but it wouldn't have suited me to be in a relationship like that.

I agree.

Person_one

Cloudane wrote: »

I'll probably get a lot of hate for this, but oh well - from my PoV am not doing anyone any harm. There are people in far worse situations in the world and people who do much worse things in society than the crime of being single and living with parents :shrug:

No hate from me, but then I'm single in my thirties and just live with my dogs so I think I'm considered much sadder than you, I can't even claim I'm being useful by helping out/caring for my parents! :rotfl:

The 'norm' of pairing up and producing a couple of kids is so engrained that I think a lot of people just genuinely can't believe there are those of us who don't want it. They think we've failed at doing things the 'right' way, rather than just chosen a different way.

I don't really blame people the OP's friend for settling the way she did in the face of a lot of pressure, I think its probably not uncommon. I am amazed they had such an in-depth heart to heart at work though I admit!

74jax

catkins wrote: »

I would find that odd. To me your wife or husband should be your best friend and the person you prefer to spend time with.


.

I know, not many will agree with me. If I had a friend who invited me over to theirs for a meal and all hubby and I were doing was staying in watching the TV, I'd be round at my friends in a heart beat. Same with hubby, if I'm going shopping or our for lunch he's not interested and would rather go kitesurfing with his friends.


Its just how we both are, but I think that's the clue - it's us BOTH. No one else would put us with, we're absolutely perfect for each other.


I adore our time together as a couple, even now I'm smiling thinking of a meal out with him etc.


We hold hand walking, at the table, cuddle (or drape! over each other), kiss in public etc, always have. I am very much still in the 'in-love' stage, but like I say we've only been married 3 years so would hope so. We've been a couple for 10 years.

marisco_2

fierystormcloud wrote: »

As I said, I was shocked to hear this, and wonder how many others feel the same, or have been through the same… Just being with anyone that will do, rather than being alone. And then spending their whole life with them; whilst never really being in love with them.

The above sounds like the most lonely existence imaginable to me. To be completely honest it also comes across as being really selfish. To pretend to love someone for a lifetime when you really feel very little for them is one of the biggest kinds of betrayal.

missbiggles1

catkins wrote: »

I feel it is a definition of "in love". Lots of couples after a few years don't seem to cuddle or kiss much and lots of people remark on the fact that me and OH hold hands when walking down the street.

As I said, I love my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews etc but I am not a touchy feely person in the slightest and only ever give my parents a kiss and a cuddle. The fact that I love touching and kissing my OH and love the fact that he wants to touch and kiss me means, to me, we are in love

I think that's just being tactile - lovely but separate from being in love.

Brighton_belle

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I think that's just being tactile - lovely but separate from being in love.

So what is your definition of being 'in love' Miss B?

pigpen

catkins wrote: »

I feel it is a definition of "in love". Lots of couples after a few years don't seem to cuddle or kiss much and lots of people remark on the fact that me and OH hold hands when walking down the street.

As I said, I love my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews etc but I am not a touchy feely person in the slightest and only ever give my parents a kiss and a cuddle. The fact that I love touching and kissing my OH and love the fact that he wants to touch and kiss me means, to me, we are in love

I'm about as 'touchy feely' and a well stressed dragon.. NOONE touches me unless they want beating to death with their own arm.. I don't even hug siblings or parents (my mother would probably beat me to death with my own arm if I tried lol) and rarely my older children and grandbeasts.. I definitely do not do hugging or kissing of anyone willingly other than OH and I will submit to the offsprung if they insist.. my youngest is VERY huggy.. I feel like she is forever draped on me.. some days I want to lock her outside to keep her off me! haha.. I just hug her it's not worth the aggravation of saying no, I see it as meeting her emotional needs, even if it is stomping on my personal boundaries.

Clearly different people have a different perception of what 'in love' actually means.. I think there is a very fluid boundary between lust/love/in love..

bother.. now I have a brain worm... lol

AubreyMac wrote: »

I think there is still a social stigma about being long term single, especially for men.

One of my male friends thinks being married is more for status for men, especially those in top positions in work

Having a 'dolly on the arm' ... these dollies often find themselves traded in for a younger model a bit later in life though sadly.

missbiggles1

74jax wrote: »

I know, not many will agree with me. If I had a friend who invited me over to theirs for a meal and all hubby and I were doing was staying in watching the TV, I'd be round at my friends in a heart beat. Same with hubby, if I'm going shopping or our for lunch he's not interested and would rather go kitesurfing with his friends.


Its just how we both are, but I think that's the clue - it's us BOTH. No one else would put us with, we're absolutely perfect for each other.


I adore our time together as a couple, even now I'm smiling thinking of a meal out with him etc.


We hold hand walking, at the table, cuddle (or drape! over each other), kiss in public etc, always have. I am very much still in the 'in-love' stage, but like I say we've only been married 3 years so would hope so. We've been a couple for 10 years.

But that isn't really comparing like for like, that's preferring to do a specific activity with a friend rather than a different activity with your husband.

If you said you'd prefer to spend the evening watching TV with a friend rather than your husband or he would rather have lunch with a friend rather than with you, that would be rather worrying.