Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

Peter333

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Or, even worse, "my first wife".

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

NBLondon

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Or, even worse, "my first wife".

"How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?" Zsa Zsa Gabor


The broadcaster Paul Ross uses the phrase "the current and final Mrs Ross" since he's on his third or fourth and openly admits he messed up. So it makes sense if you want to be clear whether you are talking about now or a previous relationship. Introducing them as such works once as a joke - but repeatedly it would be worrying.


The "afraid to be alone" bit is telling too... There do seem to be many people (usually women) who would rather be in a bad relationship than not be in one. When younger - it might be fear of ones' peers thinking you can't get a relationship. When older, it probably can be habit or the uncertainty of being single again after many years.

kboss2010

NBLondon wrote: »

Something must have changed - 5 years before you lived together should have been enough to know whether it was working or not. Is it the financial pressure on both of you?

We lived together for 4 years before we bought a place but he lived with his parents before me whereas I'd rented flats for years before. I think it's the perceived pressure of having a mortgage vs. the flexibility of renting. I see them as the same level of responsibility - if you don't pay your mortgage or your rent you still lose your house - but he sees a mortgage as a reason to freak out about responsibility.

Thank heavens I don't want kids is all I can say if he thinks paying the bills is a huge responsibility! I hate to say it but I just think he needs to grow up a bit. He also doesn't cope with work stress very well but won't leave his highly stressful job to pursue something with less money that would make him happier because he views his worth by the money he earns and possession of the associated trappings of wealth that come with that. I feel sad that he feels that way and I am trying to help him see that money isn't the route to happiness but 20+ years of conditioning of him needing to be "the breadwinner" is a hard cycle to break.

kboss2010

NBLondon wrote: »

"How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?" Zsa Zsa Gabor


The broadcaster Paul Ross uses the phrase "the current and final Mrs Ross" since he's on his third or fourth and openly admits he messed up. So it makes sense if you want to be clear whether you are talking about now or a previous relationship. Introducing them as such works once as a joke - but repeatedly it would be worrying.


The "afraid to be alone" bit is telling too... There do seem to be many people (usually women) who would rather be in a bad relationship than not be in one. When younger - it might be fear of ones' peers thinking you can't get a relationship. When older, it probably can be habit or the uncertainty of being single again after many years.

Yep! My mother (who left one bad relationship and is now in another) keeps telling me that it's better to settle for someone who treats you like crap than be alone - really???

If it really gets to the point where I've been unhappy for years and isn't going to chuck my life savings down the toilet, I have no qualms about moving on. I've never had a problem being alone, I managed for 22 years and I like my own company as much as anyone else's. Sometimes financially you can't do things right away but I've enough financial safeguards that, by the time my fixed rate mortgage is up, I have no other ties. If things haven't improved by then then I can happily walk away saying I tried but it just didn't work out.

My actual worst fear is becoming my mother in this regard.

rds60h

catkins wrote: »

I think it's really sad if there are really lots of couples that are not in love with each other.

I have been married over 30 years and I love my OH and am in love with him. I know he feels the same way about me. I love my parents, my siblings, my dog and my cat but I definitely feel differently about OH and that, to me, is being in love with him.

He is my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else and, again, he feels the same way. We both believe absolutely in marriage and commitment and believe infidelity is totally wrong always.

We still kiss and cuddle a lot and hold hands all the time, in and outside our house.


I don't know anyone who has admitted to not loving their partner although I do know couples that don't seem to be that close. You never really know though what goes on in other people's lives

Change your 30 years married to 24 and I was in the exact same position.................then out of nowhere my wife told me she wanted me out of the house and out of her life because she no longer loved me.
So do any of us really know ?

catkins

rds60h wrote: »

Change your 30 years married to 24 and I was in the exact same position.................then out of nowhere my wife told me she wanted me out of the house and out of her life because she no longer loved me.
So do any of us really know ?

That's sad. I don't understand how people fall out of love with someone after so many years.

No, I guess none of us do know absolutely for sure but I am sure as I can be that we will stay together until "death do us part". After almost 36 years we are very happy and get on really well. OH has just had a couple of weeks off work and we have spent most of that time sorting out the house and garden and so have been together literally 24/7. No rows or even little tiffs. We get on really well and are each other's best friend.

We also both have the same views on marriage - infidelity is totally wrong and marriage is meant to be for life (not of course if you are really unhappy)

kboss2010

rds60h wrote: »

Change your 30 years married to 24 and I was in the exact same position.................then out of nowhere my wife told me she wanted me out of the house and out of her life because she no longer loved me.
So do any of us really know ?

That must've been a horrible thing to go through :-(

That's the absolute kicker, isn't it? Time passes, people change not always in the same ways. Seeing it through to the bitter end is a doable commitment if one has a lot of strength and perseverance and are willing to compromise on a lot but I just don't get how one can ever possibly promise to love someone forever when none of us can predict the future or know how our lives will change us or our partners. Probably why I'm not at all interested in the 'til death do us part' stuff.

The rest of our lives is hopefully a long time!

Peter333

catkins wrote: »

That's sad. I don't understand how people fall out of love with someone after so many years.

No, I guess none of us do know absolutely for sure but I am sure as I can be that we will stay together until "death do us part". After almost 36 years we are very happy and get on really well. OH has just had a couple of weeks off work and we have spent most of that time sorting out the house and garden and so have been together literally 24/7. No rows or even little tiffs. We get on really well and are each other's best friend.

We also both have the same views on marriage - infidelity is totally wrong and marriage is meant to be for life (not of course if you are really unhappy)

I have to say, I believe that in many cases, it's not a case of someone falling out of love with their partner; but that they were never in love with them in the first place. Many people get together because it's the done thing, they just end up together, they're afraid of being alone etc; and they were never truly in love to start with.

This is why - as the OP first said - many people divorce or cheat, because they have spent so many years stuck with someone they don't want to be with.

FBaby

That's sad. I don't understand how people fall out of love with someone after so many years.

I think it's one of two things, either as Peter has hinted, one was never in love with that person, but stayed for the financial and sometimes emotional comfort the marriage brought. If they suddenly find that they can get that comfort elsewhere, they can be out of the door before the other knows what has happened.

Or, it might very well be that the person wasn't happy, had tried desperately to express this with their partner, but say partner didn't want to hear, pretended all was fine, lived in denial and then when the person has finally given up and left, don't understand what happened because in their self protected mind, they thought all was fine and the little niggles were nothing serious.

I have seen both happening. In the first instance, friends married for 22 years, him worked full-time supported the family, she never wanted to work so dependent on him financially for her nice lifestyle. Then her mother died and she got a huge inheritance. She then met someone else and that was it, out she was in a couple of months after meeting him, packing up and starting a new life with her new boyfriend, leaving her husband behind devastated.

As for the second, that was the situation with my SIL. All was well until he was made redundant and had to take a job that took him away from home a lot. It totally changed the dynamic of their relationship because his job was much more demanding and he would always come home exhausted and in need of a rest before he could show his family any attention. She on the other hand because almost like a single working mum and struggled with it. She tried to say to him that she found it hard, missed their affectionate and intimate relationship, but he didn't want to discuss it, kept telling her that they had no choice but to accept the situation.. She tried to say that she would rather they had less money coming if it meant they were a tight family again, but he made her feel guilty that she was being selfish for putting her needs in front of the rest of the family, so she stopped trying to talk about it and just went on with life, but inevitably, she gradually fell out of love for him and one day decided to go. He was totally taken aback, saying that he thought their marriage was fine, that he was starting to look for work locally and that it had all come out of the blue. He seemed to have totally undermined how working away had affected her.

Peter333

Good post Fbaby. ^^^ :T

I know (and have known) people with relationships like this, that have broken up after many years, and one of the two in the couple didn't see it coming.