Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

missbiggles1

Lily-Rose wrote: »

The couple from the film Titanic Miss B.

I was just trying to illustrate passionate crazy stupid love.

And how it's not like that for many people. Well maybe a bit at the start...

Thanks - I haven't seen Titanic for years!

Person_one

G3. wrote: »

Still on here, Dunny?

What's the point in setting up an AE if you're just going to deliberately get it PPR'd again after 7 posts?

kboss2010

barbiedoll wrote: »

I've been with my husband for just over 20 years and we knew that we were going to be married within a very short time. He had previously been in a 16 year relationship (including kids, both hers and theirs) and I had divorced my first husband, who was an abusive drunk. So we had our baggage in common if nothing else.


I don't know what it was/is about him, he's not the physical type that I usually go for, he's 12 years older than me, he's not a big earner (not that money's ever been important to me, I was born poor and I'll probably die poor!) and on the face of it, we don't have much in common at all. We don't like the same music, I don't wear the clothes that he would like me to wear, he's a "boob" man, I'm a 32A on a good day. But we just knew, within around 15 minutes of meeting each other, that something was going on. And I was most definitely off men at that time, in fact, my first words to him, after him offering to buy me a drink, were "I don't do slow dancing or holding hands, you're not coming anywhere my flat and I'm not interested in a one-night stand". He still reminds me of that on a regular basis!

One thing that I do know is that I can trust him completely. Not just to be faithful, but to have my back no matter what. I can tell him anything and trust him not to judge me. I can rely on him to care for our son if I cannot. And our pets come to that. He takes care of my mum, he looks out for my sister and he is just a real gem, I count myself very lucky to have found him.

Of course, he's not without his faults. He can hold a grudge for all eternity, he's a tad on the lazy side and he is a bit of a Victorian husband in the sense that he thinks that washing, ironing and menial tasks are the responsibility of the women of the household. Unfortunately for him, I hold the exact opposite view so if something needs to be done and I don't want to do it, hard luck. We have grubby cupboards, dusty shelves and under the stairs is a clutter-filled horror. If it bothers him that much, he knows where the cleaning stuff is kept.

As for being "in love"....well, at the moment, I'm in love with the junior doctor at work (I'm not alone, we're having a draw to see who's going to give him his first "cougar" experience, the poor boy!) my best friend's brother, who I've had the hots for since I was 15, Jon Snow, the guy who plays Quicksilver in the X-Men movies, Jesse Pinkman and Beck.

I probably wouldn't leave Mr B for any of them, but I may take a sabbatical if I got any offers! :rotfl:

Haha, glad it isn't just me who finds Quicksilver insanely attractive!

Honestly, I have no experience of what that 'head-over-heels' love is nor the 'we're best friends and have loads in common' thing. I had no positive relationship role models in my life growing up (parents had a very rocky relationship, my dad was a bit of a bully, my mum is chronically ill and eventually she left him after years of trying to make it work and my grandparents were both only still married unhappily because divorce wasn't a thing to them, aunts with kids were mostly single mums).

I think it really hit home when I was invited on holiday with my best friend's parents aged 18 and saw how happily married they were and how much they still cared for each other after 20+ years. My best friend is the loveliest person ever but I wanted to slap her when she was moaning about 'how gross' they were being so cute with each other. It makes me tear up thinking about it.

I suck at relationships now. My first boyfriend lasted 5 months (I'm 100% convinced he's gay for reasons I'd rather not go into but doesn't want to tell his family), my current has been with me 6 years, we bought a flat together a year ago and I'm currently feeling like its the worst mistake I've ever made - he's angry all of the time at everyone and I'm miserable but we're tied in for 5 years and the bottom has just fallen out of the market where we live so we'd lose everything if we split up and sold it and we'd probably still owe money on it. Honestly, I feel like the next 4 years will be the making or breaking of me.

So, do I believe in love? I wish I did. But it will probably never happen to me. I've been let down by every man in my life in almost 30 years, I have no trust left in men in general.

NBLondon

kboss2010 wrote: »

my current has been with me 6 years, we bought a flat together a year ago and I'm currently feeling like its the worst mistake I've ever made

Something must have changed - 5 years before you lived together should have been enough to know whether it was working or not. Is it the financial pressure on both of you?

Kayalana99

NBLondon wrote: »

Something must have changed - 5 years before you lived together should have been enough to know whether it was working or not. Is it the financial pressure on both of you?

It doesn't say whether they lived together before hand but I honestly feel you can't really know someone until you live with them, people can hide their true selves when they only have to spend the night with you and put on their best face.

Sometimes you can be in denial though until they do something that just makes you really see their true colours, I was with my ex for 2 and half years before I finally saw the light of his emotional abuse and walked out - now happily married with 2 children.

My Mum got with a guy that turned out to be horrible, but before she moved in he was so sweet and loving towards her, we met him and everyone got on well but once she moved in he was just horrible as he was always moody and it was treading on egg shells constantly. They are still together 10 years later but that's another story. :mad:

gayleygoo

That is sad for your friend OP, if she is unhappy.

I think we grow up with a certain expectation of falling in love - fairytales, books and films tell us that this is the normal thing! Life just isn't a fairytale though, and sadly not everyone falls in love or marries their "soulmate". OH was telling me about a discussion on the radio that he heard - years ago, marriage was much less about love and more about business. If you were wealthy you probably didn't pick your husband/wife, it was something arranged by your parents, often for financial or political benefit. If you were poorer, a wife or husband was someone to work with, start a family with and look after each other in older age. Love was a romantic notion rather than the norm.

When I am look at my own parents I often wonder how and why they are still together after 30 years. They don't seem to make each other happy and I know if OH treated me the way my Dad does my Mum, I'd seriously be considering leaving him. They annoy each other though, so there's not much I feel I can do about it.

System

I;ve not had the best exmaple of love in my life. My parents divorced when i was 2, and still 28 yars later hate each other (understandable he was a piece of work), and then i went through another divorce aged 10 when my dad divorced my first step mum. However...once my mum got with my (step)dad i finally saw what a proper relationship looked like. Im grateful for my (half) siblings thats the example they ahve and that they didnt have to go through what i went though.

Its had an effect on me, i think lacking an example of a loving realtionship ive awlays been on the search for one of my own. That led to a lot of bad decisions *(and being with men i didnt love because i was too scared to be alone) but after all that i finally have seem to have met Mr Right, its still early days but i can wholeheartedly say i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Never felt this way before, i thought i was in love before but it pales in comparison to what i feel now.

It makes me sad that there are people out there suffering in loveless relationships I feel like everyone deserves a chance at happiness.

Peter333

kboss2010 wrote: »

Honestly, I have no experience of what that 'head-over-heels' love is nor the 'we're best friends and have loads in common' thing. I had no positive relationship role models in my life growing up (parents had a very rocky relationship, my dad was a bit of a bully, my mum is chronically ill and eventually she left him after years of trying to make it work and my grandparents were both only still married unhappily because divorce wasn't a thing to them, aunts with kids were mostly single mums).

I think it really hit home when I was invited on holiday with my best friend's parents aged 18 and saw how happily married they were and how much they still cared for each other after 20+ years. My best friend is the loveliest person ever but I wanted to slap her when she was moaning about 'how gross' they were being so cute with each other. It makes me tear up thinking about it.

I suck at relationships now. My first boyfriend lasted 5 months (I'm 100% convinced he's gay for reasons I'd rather not go into but doesn't want to tell his family), my current has been with me 6 years, we bought a flat together a year ago and I'm currently feeling like its the worst mistake I've ever made - he's angry all of the time at everyone and I'm miserable but we're tied in for 5 years and the bottom has just fallen out of the market where we live so we'd lose everything if we split up and sold it and we'd probably still owe money on it. Honestly, I feel like the next 4 years will be the making or breaking of me.

So, do I believe in love? I wish I did. But it will probably never happen to me. I've been let down by every man in my life in almost 30 years, I have no trust left in men in general.

What a sad post. And when someone refers to their other half as their current boyfriend, that's a bad sign, because it's suggesting that they are planning on having future partners. I don't, for example, refer to my lady wife as' my current wife' LOL.

Lots of posts on here are highlighting the fact that many people do indeed stay together out of habit, or because they have no-one else, or they are afraid to be alone........

Peter333

gayleygoo wrote: »

That is sad for your friend OP, if she is unhappy.

I think we grow up with a certain expectation of falling in love - fairytales, books and films tell us that this is the normal thing! Life just isn't a fairytale though, and sadly not everyone falls in love or marries their "soulmate".

OH was telling me about a discussion on the radio that he heard - years ago, marriage was much less about love and more about business. If you were wealthy you probably didn't pick your husband/wife, it was something arranged by your parents, often for financial or political benefit. If you were poorer, a wife or husband was someone to work with, start a family with and look after each other in older age. Love was a romantic notion rather than the norm.

Probably true for some people........

missbiggles1

Peter333 wrote: »

What a sad post. And when someone refers to their other half as their current boyfriend, that's a bad sign, because it's suggesting that they are planning on having future partners. I don't, for example, refer to my lady wife as' my current wife' LOL.

Lots of posts on here are highlighting the fact that many people do indeed stay together out of habit, or because they have no-one else, or they are afraid to be alone........

Or, even worse, "my first wife".