Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

Lily-Rose_3

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Who are "Jack and Rose"?

I was a teenager in the 60s and got engaged when I was 18 but there were only a couple of us in that situation and only another couple got married before the age of 20. (Virtually nobody was allowed to date at the age of 14!)

I think it may have depended on what type of school you went to - I assume it might have been more common at a secondary modern.

The couple from the film Titanic Miss B.

I was just trying to illustrate passionate crazy stupid love.

And how it's not like that for many people. Well maybe a bit at the start...

Person_one

Mercenary wrote: »

I've never been in love and I got married over 30 years ago simply because I was pregnant after a short time of being a girlfriend, and had the full force of expectation from my extended family that it was 'the best thing to do' . It was nothing to do with love or romance. It was more difficult back then to be single with a child and I was basically railroaded into marriage as I really couldn't see the alternative.

Over the past 30+ years there hasn't been a single day of feeling love towards my husband. For years I tried to get on with him and be a good wife and mother, but he focussed completely on his career and had no idea about how to be a good husband or an interested father to his children....and didn't want to learn either.
Gradually I realised that I didn't actually like him very much as his behaviour included anything he didn't want to hear about leading to childish tantrums and sulking for weeks, while taking it out on the children and pets. Weekends have long been a trial to get through and the rare holidays we've had rapidly changed to separate ones as we can't be in the same place together for long.

I have been able to be a stay at home mother and housewife for all this time, for which i'm very grateful, but his retirement looms in a short time and there's no way I'm staying with him! I'm getting away at last!

As soon as he retires, we've agreed the house will be sold, a financial agreement or divorce will be arranged and I will move back to my home area. Alone. I can't wait :j , yet it's also very frightening to consider all the processes that have to be set in motion.
I'd just like to have a life of my own at last, without the constant heavy cloud of dislike and frustration hovering over me.
I have deep regrets that I have missed out on romantic love, but I have my children to love, and grand-children. Who knows what the future will bring? :cool:

How long is left till he retires? I presume you're waiting till them because it will be easier financially, but you know anything could happen between now and then. Life's too short to be miserable if you don't have to be!

Person_one

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Who are "Jack and Rose"?

Oh come on, you're not fooling me! :rotfl:

Torry_Quine

Mercenary wrote: »

I've never been in love and I got married over 30 years ago simply because I was pregnant after a short time of being a girlfriend, and had the full force of expectation from my extended family that it was 'the best thing to do' . It was nothing to do with love or romance. It was more difficult back then to be single with a child and I was basically railroaded into marriage as I really couldn't see the alternative.

Over the past 30+ years there hasn't been a single day of feeling love towards my husband. For years I tried to get on with him and be a good wife and mother, but he focussed completely on his career and had no idea about how to be a good husband or an interested father to his children....and didn't want to learn either.
Gradually I realised that I didn't actually like him very much as his behaviour included anything he didn't want to hear about leading to childish tantrums and sulking for weeks, while taking it out on the children and pets. Weekends have long been a trial to get through and the rare holidays we've had rapidly changed to separate ones as we can't be in the same place together for long.

I have been able to be a stay at home mother and housewife for all this time, for which i'm very grateful, but his retirement looms in a short time and there's no way I'm staying with him! I'm getting away at last!

As soon as he retires, we've agreed the house will be sold, a financial agreement or divorce will be arranged and I will move back to my home area. Alone. I can't wait :j , yet it's also very frightening to consider all the processes that have to be set in motion.
I'd just like to have a life of my own at last, without the constant heavy cloud of dislike and frustration hovering over me.
I have deep regrets that I have missed out on romantic love, but I have my children to love, and grand-children. Who knows what the future will bring? :cool:

That's so sad.

pigpen

Mercenary .. I know someone who married an unpleasant man, sounding very like yours.. she stayed until their youngest childs 18th birthday when she was an adult and packed her stuff and left.. is he aware of your plans or is he in for a surprise.. I think its so sad you've spent your entire adult life feeling this way. I hope your escape goes to plan!

seven-day-weekend

Torry_Quine wrote: »

That's so sad.

Exactly what I thought. I hope they can both now find some happiness.

Brighton_belle

Person_one wrote: »

Oh come on, you're not fooling me! :rotfl:

Honest P1, I hadn't got a clue either.

carefullycautious

Mercenary wrote: »

I've never been in love and I got married over 30 years ago simply because I was pregnant after a short time of being a girlfriend, and had the full force of expectation from my extended family that it was 'the best thing to do' . It was nothing to do with love or romance. It was more difficult back then to be single with a child and I was basically railroaded into marriage as I really couldn't see the alternative.

Over the past 30+ years there hasn't been a single day of feeling love towards my husband. For years I tried to get on with him and be a good wife and mother, but he focussed completely on his career and had no idea about how to be a good husband or an interested father to his children....and didn't want to learn either.
Gradually I realised that I didn't actually like him very much as his behaviour included anything he didn't want to hear about leading to childish tantrums and sulking for weeks, while taking it out on the children and pets. Weekends have long been a trial to get through and the rare holidays we've had rapidly changed to separate ones as we can't be in the same place together for long.

I have been able to be a stay at home mother and housewife for all this time, for which i'm very grateful, but his retirement looms in a short time and there's no way I'm staying with him! I'm getting away at last!

As soon as he retires, we've agreed the house will be sold, a financial agreement or divorce will be arranged and I will move back to my home area. Alone. I can't wait :j , yet it's also very frightening to consider all the processes that have to be set in motion.
I'd just like to have a life of my own at last, without the constant heavy cloud of dislike and frustration hovering over me.
I have deep regrets that I have missed out on romantic love, but I have my children to love, and grand-children. Who knows what the future will bring? :cool:

This has to be the saddest post I have ever read. I sincerely hope that you and your husband are able to find happiness with someone or by yourselves. If it has been this bad for you I dread to think what your husband feels like

Mercenary

Thank you for your replies and good wishes
Yes, he knows. I waited until the last child was through University with a degree, then I finally broached the subject last year and he didn't seem surprised.
His retirement is next year, so it's not long to go now. I just don't know exactly how to go about it all though as nothing is set in stone yet.

I'm sure there are many, many wives or husbands that just stay together because they can't see an alternative.

Morglin

There are - some marriages are very happy, my parents were married over 60 years and adored each other. Other long term marriages are made up of habit and fear of changing things.

I got married very young, regretted it swiftly, became pregnant shortly after that. I knew I had done the wrong thing, but I felt that kids needed two parents, so stuck it out.

No abuse or anything. But, he was a constant source of irritation to me, with his sulking, whining and neediness. He bored me all the time.

But, I worked, he worked, and it jogged on. I led my own life where I could.

But, after 30 years, the kids were grown, I had to retire, on medical grounds, and then I knew that there was no way I wanted to end my life stuck with him.

So, I walked out, left the lot, found somewhere to live, filed for divorce, paid him off, put up with hell that broke loose all round me, and moved on.

I have since remarried to a man I love totally, and life has never been better.

It's not easy, but being miserable in a marriage isn't easy either - life isn't a rehearsal, we only get one go at it, so do what makes you happy.:)

Good luck.

Lin