Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

I still think it applies though. It's a natural instinct for some people to always aspire for more. Sometimes it achieves success, sometimes it doesn't.

When you leave someone with whom you had an somehow satisfying relationship, but not fulfilling, and then meet someone with you get to experience this feeling, then you can look back and believe it was the best decision ever (especially if the person you left also got to be someone who makes them even happier).

If however it leaves you with regrets that you didn't appreciate what you had, took it for granted, and wishing you could go back and be grateful for what you had, then clearly you're going to believe that you made a mistake.

I don't understand why anybody would consider repeating the falling in love experience to be "more" than already being in a loving relationship, that's the thing.

justme111

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't think we were talking about people being actually unhappy in a relationship, just about people not being excited any more.

Is not excitement a necessary part of an ideal relationship? Hence no excitement =not ideal relationship =unhappy people
I do not think this topic has one answer. As whatever make one most happy is right for one, be it comfort or excitement.

FBaby

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't understand why anybody would consider repeating the falling in love experience to be "more" than already being in a loving relationship, that's the thing.

Because there are different levels of love?

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

Because there are different levels of love?

Well, if that is the case, why would being "in love" be of a higher level than loving someone?

(I know I've just repeated myself in a different way but then I thought your question did as well.)

missbiggles1

justme111 wrote: »

Is not excitement a necessary part of an ideal relationship? Hence no excitement =not ideal relationship =unhappy people
I do not think this topic has one answer. As whatever make one most happy is right for one, be it comfort or excitement.

Is it? I'm sure it's pretty exciting having an adulterous affair (an assumption on my part, no experience) but that hardly makes it an ideal relationship.

justme111

I said necessary , not the only one.

missbiggles1

justme111 wrote: »

I said necessary , not the only one.

I still don't agree.

It was pretty exciting when I used to have to call the ambulance out for my husband every month or so but I can't say that I missed it when this stopped after his medications were changed.:D

FBaby

Well, if that is the case, why would being "in love" be of a higher level than loving someone?

The way I define love, in a very unromantic way!, is on the basis of the attributes I am -consciously or not- looking in my partner. If I were to take the 100 most important ones to me, I would fall in love if I discovered they had say 50 of the 100, especially if the 50 were say in the top 60. However, maybe as time go by, the 50 they didn't meet might start to overtake the 50 they did, especially if they showed the opposite traits. This could be as a result of getting to know them better and discovering some negative attributes, or because as I mature, I re-arrange those attributes so that different ones are higher up on the scale or... because I actually start to think that 50 is not enough and I want 75.

It then all depends on the people's expectations. Some might feel that the top 30 is enough to fall in love, others will always look for 90 or even 100. Some might be happy with only 20 but it has to be the top 20.

I define falling in love the process of getting to know where the person stands and being in love enjoying how all those attributes impact on my my life.

I didn't actually make a list and ticked the box consciously when I was looking for a partner in my 30s, but deep inside, it was the process I went through. It didn't take long to realise that OH met at least the top 20, so that was good going! As I got to know him, the list increased every time and by the time we got to 75, I knew he was the one forever! I now think he is probably close to 90 if not more

pollypenny

Oh, heck. I wonder how many points out of 100 I'd rate.

Seems like a box-ticking exercise.

pigpen

pollypenny wrote: »

Oh, heck. I wonder how many points out of 100 I'd rate.

Seems like a box-ticking exercise.

I'd get about 3 haha.. I'd love to see the list.. it could be a fb quiz!!! lol