Spending your life with someone you're not in love with...

catkins

I think it's really sad if there are really lots of couples that are not in love with each other.

I have been married over 30 years and I love my OH and am in love with him. I know he feels the same way about me. I love my parents, my siblings, my dog and my cat but I definitely feel differently about OH and that, to me, is being in love with him.

He is my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else and, again, he feels the same way. We both believe absolutely in marriage and commitment and believe infidelity is totally wrong always.

We still kiss and cuddle a lot and hold hands all the time, in and outside our house.

I don't know anyone who has admitted to not loving their partner although I do know couples that don't seem to be that close. You never really know though what goes on in other people's lives

pigpen

catkins wrote: »

He is my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else and, again, he feels the same way. We both believe absolutely in marriage and commitment and believe infidelity is totally wrong always.

We still kiss and cuddle a lot and hold hands all the time, in and outside our house.

so do we.. so thats not really a definition of 'in love' .. though what would be is individual to the couple of guess.

pigpen

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Thanks AubreyMac. And thanks to Pigpen too for your frank and honest answer. Although Pigpen, you say you are a bit envious of your single friends freedom and their 'loving life.' Chances are, they are not as happy as you think, and actually envy you! .. It is the lure of not having to be home at a set time to do dinner or bed time, or just pick up and head off for a weekend or to a concert without having a military organisation.. I love what I have and am truly thankful but sometimes that freedom is so appealing. I guess we all have days where the grass is greener anywhere else.

Why on EARTH do people stay when a partner has cheated? I mean has any marriage or relationship ever benefited from an affair? .. because they think they don't deserve better, blame themselves, or simply don't care.. it was the latter for me.. so long as he left me alone he could dip it wherever he liked.. she dumped him 4 days after he left me lol

And yes, I also find it odd when women stay with men who beat them, and say they stay because they love them! !!!!!!?!

Again.. the abuse makes them feel like they don't deserve better..

hazyjo

I've loved men, married two who were more my best friends than anything. Didn't fancy them in the sense of feeling thunderbolts when I met them. They weren't good looking, just lovely men (haha or so I thought).


My BF now I fell hard for. Real butterflies, thunderbolts, the lot. A deep down connection that is extremely rare. On paper I would/should have walked away - actually tried to a few times - but I feel too much for him.


It's nice to have the feeling I now have, but I don't think it's essential in a marriage or relationship. Being best friends/partners in crime/whatever is the most important thing, although you do have to feel loved by the other, not just a mate. I left my second husband as I didn't just want to be in a friendship for the rest of my life, which it unfortunately was. I think he just wanted someone there to go down the pub with every day lol.


Jx

Tammykitty

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Why on EARTH do people stay when a partner has cheated? I mean has any marriage or relationship ever benefited from an affair?

I genuinely believe that for someone to cheat, there has to be a reason. The person cheating is unhappy in the relationship at least subconsciously, why else would they risk it for the thrill of an affair?


Therefore if a couple can work through the reasons for the unhappiness, then they can finish up stronger than they were before the affair.


I think staying with someone also depends on the "type" of cheating.


I know I could forgive a one off drunken fumble, but not a full blown affair

74jax

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Love lasts - being "in love" doesn't.

I'm in love with my husband, he drives me mad at times but I can honestly say I'm still in love with him. We've only been married for 3 years though, so I do expect it to fade. I love going out with him, spending quality time out for a meal etc, I still get butterflies at times if we haven't each other for a while.

I was married before so don't know if that makes a difference. I left my first hubby as I didn't love him 'in that way' anymore. We were like brother/sister.


My hubby is most certainly not my best friend, I have friends that I feel so unbelievably comfortable with in a different way to my husband. I wouldn't chose spending time with my husband over my friends, or the other way round really.


I was in an abusive relationship and people may have thought !!!!!! about me, however I eventually left and found hubby.

missbiggles1

catkins wrote: »

I think it's really sad if there are really lots of couples that are not in love with each other.

I have been married over 30 years and I love my OH and am in love with him. I know he feels the same way about me. I love my parents, my siblings, my dog and my cat but I definitely feel differently about OH and that, to me, is being in love with him.

He is my best friend. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else and, again, he feels the same way. We both believe absolutely in marriage and commitment and believe infidelity is totally wrong always.

We still kiss and cuddle a lot and hold hands all the time, in and outside our house.

I don't know anyone who has admitted to not loving their partner although I do know couples that don't seem to be that close. You never really know though what goes on in other people's lives

I agree totally but would describe that as loving someone rather than being in love with them.

missbiggles1

74jax wrote: »

I'm in love with my husband, he drives me mad at times but I can honestly say I'm still in love with him. We've only been married for 3 years though, so I do expect it to fade. I love going out with him, spending quality time out for a meal etc, I still get butterflies at times if we haven't each other for a while.

I was married before so don't know if that makes a difference. I left my first hubby as I didn't love him 'in that way' anymore. We were like brother/sister.


My hubby is most certainly not my best friend, I have friends that I feel so unbelievably comfortable with in a different way to my husband. I wouldn't chose spending time with my husband over my friends, or the other way round really.


I was in an abusive relationship and people may have thought !!!!!! about me, however I eventually left and found hubby.

If I hadn't preferred my husband's company to that of anybody else I wouldn't have thought myself to be happily married - the same goes for knowing he was my best friend.

I'm glad you're happy in your situation but it wouldn't have suited me to be in a relationship like that.

catkins

pigpen wrote: »

so do we.. so thats not really a definition of 'in love' .. though what would be is individual to the couple of guess.

I feel it is a definition of "in love". Lots of couples after a few years don't seem to cuddle or kiss much and lots of people remark on the fact that me and OH hold hands when walking down the street.

As I said, I love my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews etc but I am not a touchy feely person in the slightest and only ever give my parents a kiss and a cuddle. The fact that I love touching and kissing my OH and love the fact that he wants to touch and kiss me means, to me, we are in love

Loz01

A few people I work with who are older than me (i.e.: 40-50, Im 29) have said to me it was the done thing to get married in 70's/80's and they see their relationship as more "friendly" now than being in love... i guess you can't keep that feeling forever but it still seems quite sad that so many people seem to be in a relationship they don't actually like, just for convenience? Id rather be on my own.