Confronting the 'other woman'

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

PinkPeach wrote: »

A few days ago I found facebook messages between my husband and a girlfriend he used to have when he was in his early teens. She now lives abroad and I was shocked to find that within the course of a few messages that he was fishing for an invite to visit her, which she granted. He'd mentioned that his marriage to me was over a long time ago and she did query with him about the fact that he has photos of me on FB and that she found that strange. She also did say she didn't want things in his marriage to become more difficult if we are still together as it wouldn't be fair on her or me. He then told her that things were awkward and it was a matter of time before the end of the marriage was finalised. (So I assume he's previously been saying that his marriage is on the rocks).


Our marriage has been turbulent but we've been in what I thought was a good place for quite some time, so this all came as a shock to me - especially when he's been behaving completely normally. After inviting him to stay she then messaged the next day to say she didn't think it was a good idea as she's not been on a date since she separated from her husband 7 months ago, and that they ought to get to know each other better first as the last time they saw each other was as teenagers.


My husbands behaviour can be very up and down and as well as suffering with depression I genuinely believe that he's been having a mid-life crisis for some time now. As we are in a good place (or at least I thought we were) I feel hurt by this and angry, but am really reluctant to rock the boat as I don't think I can take any more upheaval at the moment. He has a temper and I'm sure the situation would get turned around on me if I confronted him about it. Therefore, I wondered if people generally thought it would be a good/bad idea to contact the woman on FB to explain that I'd seen the messages and to (kindly) make it clear that we are not getting divorced? I feel concerned that if I don't do anything he will continue to message her and it will take his focus away from our relationship - it was hurtful to see that he'd written that his heart was beating so fast he felt like a teenager again, after she invited him over. However, I'm worried that if I ask her not to tell him that I'd contacted her that she may do so, and that it could cause no end of problems.


Has anyone had any experience of this before? I know marriage takes work and that trust is a major issue. I simply want a 'normal' family life for us and our child. I'm also unsure if I'm overeacting given that she lives elsewhere in Europe so it's not like she's in the same town.


I have to admit that I came across the messages after checking up on him since he seemed to have been getting overfriendly with another old friend on FB. I'm not sure I trust him not to behave in an acceptable way - or perhaps he thinks what he is doing is harmless and therefore acceptable?! He doesn't know that I know his password and I've noticed that conversations between him and the other old friend get deleted, when ones that are ongoing with men remain. I'd queried with him months ago about text messages from the other old friend and he again turned it round on me and got defensive. I was made to feel bad for saying that I wanted to know if something was going on.

I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes but equally don't want to live life as a snoop. I feel ashamed that I have become one but don't like to think of him having potential emotional affairs behind my back.


Any advice would be appreciated but please don't just comment that I ought to leave him - I just don't think it's as black and white as that as I'm confident that he's not having physical relations with anyone else as he's always at home when not working.

I haven't read all the replies so apologises if this has already been said but:


The other women is NOT at fault in this. Your man is. Regardless whether she knew he was married etc - it is your mans responsibility to say "no, I'm married"


I know you feel a lot of anger towards this lady - but you're aiming at the wrong person. HE was in the wrong, and HE is the one you need to be speaking to.

Claire_A87

He threw his wedding ring out of the car? What a tool. Don't let him know you picked it up.

However you choose to proceed OP, he sounds incredibly immature and self-centred - not a good example for your daughter. This man won't ever provide you with the warm and secure 'for life' relationship you crave, because he's using you as a stop-gap until something better comes along, and you've already said that you'll never trust him again.

Personally, I think based on what you've described I'd be running for the hills and wanting to shelter my child from an unhealthy influence. She's getting old enough now to start thinking this is a normal way to treat someone they supposedly love, and it's really not.