Confronting the 'other woman'

duchy

Why on earth are you confronting her ?

The only reason she is agreeing to contact is because your husband is feeding her a pack of (what is presumably) lies.

HE is the one who has betrayed you and HE is the one you should be confronting.

As for asking her not to tell your husband you've contacted her......Why should she- She's not a friend and she appears to value honesty so is more than likely to tell your husband to take a hike as he's a dirty, scumbag, cheating liar and she deserves far better......and she'd be right.

PinkPeach

Thanks for your comments. This is going to sound silly but if I did confront him what is the best way to do it? Should I just say I've seen the messages and wait to see what he says? I can just see that he will tell me that it's none of my business if I ask for an explanation, or will purposely say it's over between us because I've upset HIM, rather than agree to discuss it which is what I'd rather do.


Sorry - as mentioned I hate confrontation and find it really difficult to formulate my thoughts if I'm in this type of situation. I'm one of those who afterwards ends up thinking of things I should have said but didn't!

thorsoak

PinkPeach wrote: »

To some extent, yes. When we've had problems in the past he's shouted me down and is completely unwilling to listen/compromise/accept he's wrong. I find it awful trying to live in a house with someone who for weeks on end ignores me, won't do anything around the house etc all because he's cross with me. (I realise this is probably emotional abuse).


I have a feeling he could make life very difficult for me and although I do love him (and as I mentioned, I want a normal family life), I hate confrontation and I think am also worried about being alone - which is silly as not everyone is in a relationship.

Read up on "gaslighting"- see here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

and here :- https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

piglet74

Print out the word document that you saved.

Just hand it to him, wait for his response.

If he says its over, answer with " too right it is", tbh, it is over, it just needs one of you to walk away.

Person_one

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I agree with those that say you should leave this poor women out of it.


How do you think she would feel knowing she had been deceived after what sounds like she has been through a difficult time herself?

She's going to find out, surely sooner is better than later?

duchy

First decide what you want

Do you want him to stop contacting her .......and go on ignoring you for weeks on end -the same miserable marriage as before or do you need him to admit it (and if so why- you already have proof).

What do you want to discuss with him exactly ?
He has cheated and treats you like dirt - you can stay and no doubt he'll do it again as there were no real consequences for him .

In what way could he make life difficult for you ? It doesn't sound like he makes life easy at the moment anyway.

Personally I'd pack his bags and leave them outside with a note saying I'd seen his FB and as he thinks we are seperated I feel it's better he finds somewhere else to live.

KRB2725

Pretending this isn't happening isn't going to do anything for your marriage or your mental health.

The fact that you would rather contact the woman and ask her to back off rather than speak to your husband about it is indicative of quite a big problem in my honest opinion.

Living in fear of someone's behaviour/temper is not good for either you or your child. I understand you don't want to leave him, but it sounds as though some relationship counselling and/or anger management is essential.

PinkPeach

duchy wrote: »

First decide what you want

Do you want him to stop contacting her .......and go on ignoring you for weeks on end -the same miserable marriage as before or do you need him to admit it (and if so why- you already have proof).

What do you want to discuss with him exactly ?
He has cheated and treats you like dirt - you can stay and no doubt he'll do it again as there were no real consequences for him .

In what way could he make life difficult for you ? It doesn't sound like he makes life easy at the moment anyway.

Personally I'd pack his bags and leave them outside with a note saying I'd seen his FB and as he thinks we are seperated I feel it's better he finds somewhere else to live.

I think I want an explanation as to why he decided to do this. However, in the past he's made comments like 'things haven't been right for years' etc etc and his behaviour fits with someone having a mid-life crisis. He wants change/adventure but has no idea exactly what that would involve. His brother died recently after a short illness and I wonder if it's made him re-evaluate his life, to crave some change.


I feel like he'd perhaps become difficult with money. I get paid first each month and so pay all the bills. I feel like he could decide to then not give me what would normally be my half of his wages for my own purposes. (He's been difficult in the past and so I think I'm second guessing potential behaviour from him).


He's got no where he could go if I threw him out which is also why I think I back-off from confrontation. Although it's his problem it doesn't seem like he has the option of leaving. He's got no money to live anywhere else.


I'd like to feel bold about confronting him about this because of being angry and upset but I actually feel more worried that I won't cope having to divorce and co-parent. Overwhelmed I guess is the word if that's what it came to.

Meepmeep

Yes, he probably will get angry and go off on one. Same thing happened to me (albeit with a bf of a few years). I suspected, snooped, and found he'd been messaging other women asking them out, flirting etc as if he were single.
I confronted him and he went mental at me! I remember him shouting that he can't trust anyone . Oh the irony.... Anyway it broke us up and I was devastated. Now, I'm so relieved we are no longer together.

I think you are asking the wrong question re should you confront her. The question you need to ask is why are you still with him? Why is being with a liar, some one who has no respect for you better than being on your own?

Some people I'm sure, can live with infidelity, you don't seem to be one of those people.

Can you ever trust him again? I wouldn't. I would almost guarentee that he will try it again with someone else.

balletshoes

PinkPeach wrote: »

A few days ago I found facebook messages between my husband and a girlfriend he used to have when he was in his early teens. She now lives abroad and I was shocked to find that within the course of a few messages that he was fishing for an invite to visit her, which she granted. He'd mentioned that his marriage to me was over a long time ago and she did query with him about the fact that he has photos of me on FB and that she found that strange. She also did say she didn't want things in his marriage to become more difficult if we are still together as it wouldn't be fair on her or me. He then told her that things were awkward and it was a matter of time before the end of the marriage was finalised. (So I assume he's previously been saying that his marriage is on the rocks).


Our marriage has been turbulent but we've been in what I thought was a good place for quite some time, so this all came as a shock to me - especially when he's been behaving completely normally. After inviting him to stay she then messaged the next day to say she didn't think it was a good idea as she's not been on a date since she separated from her husband 7 months ago, and that they ought to get to know each other better first as the last time they saw each other was as teenagers.


My husbands behaviour can be very up and down and as well as suffering with depression I genuinely believe that he's been having a mid-life crisis for some time now. As we are in a good place (or at least I thought we were) I feel hurt by this and angry, but am really reluctant to rock the boat as I don't think I can take any more upheaval at the moment. He has a temper and I'm sure the situation would get turned around on me if I confronted him about it. Therefore, I wondered if people generally thought it would be a good/bad idea to contact the woman on FB to explain that I'd seen the messages and to (kindly) make it clear that we are not getting divorced? I feel concerned that if I don't do anything he will continue to message her and it will take his focus away from our relationship - it was hurtful to see that he'd written that his heart was beating so fast he felt like a teenager again, after she invited him over. However, I'm worried that if I ask her not to tell him that I'd contacted her that she may do so, and that it could cause no end of problems.


Has anyone had any experience of this before? I know marriage takes work and that trust is a major issue. I simply want a 'normal' family life for us and our child. I'm also unsure if I'm overeacting given that she lives elsewhere in Europe so it's not like she's in the same town.


I have to admit that I came across the messages after checking up on him since he seemed to have been getting overfriendly with another old friend on FB. I'm not sure I trust him not to behave in an acceptable way - or perhaps he thinks what he is doing is harmless and therefore acceptable?! He doesn't know that I know his password and I've noticed that conversations between him and the other old friend get deleted, when ones that are ongoing with men remain. I'd queried with him months ago about text messages from the other old friend and he again turned it round on me and got defensive. I was made to feel bad for saying that I wanted to know if something was going on.

I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes but equally don't want to live life as a snoop. I feel ashamed that I have become one but don't like to think of him having potential emotional affairs behind my back.


Any advice would be appreciated but please don't just comment that I ought to leave him - I just don't think it's as black and white as that as I'm confident that he's not having physical relations with anyone else as he's always at home when not working.

By all means contact this woman to let her know you're still married to your OH, and that you still live together, and until now you knew nothing about her or that your marriage was "on the rocks".
You can't control what this other woman does with that information though - and in her shoes, I'd certainly tell him his wife had been in touch with me (before I blocked and deleted him off my facebook forever).

I know you don't want to hear "leave your husband" - but honestly - how much more disrespectful could he get? He's totally up for meeting up with another woman, he's telling women he fancies that his marriage is all but over, and you're okay with that? You don't want to rock the boat? I'd be completely overturning the boat.