Confronting the 'other woman'

Angry_Bear

PinkPeach wrote: »

My question is what I should say when he asks why I've been snooping? After looking at his phone previously I said I would't do it again and clearly have.

"Your behaviour was making me feel suspicious - obviously I was right." Then don't let him discuss it any more, that isn't the issue - his behaviour is!
And if he tries to make you promise never to do it again be clear that you can't do that - he has broken your trust and only complete openness has a chance of healing that.

In terms of leaving I'm worried about money/where I'd live to be honest. When we were going to split a while ago it looked like it would be hard for me to take on the mortgage alone. As I have a dog as well renting seems like it could be difficult. I guess I'm just putting obstacles in my own way and things like that would work themselves out.

They would, but no matter what decision you end up making, you can take action on this now.
Get on Right Move, Gumtree and so on and find places you could go to. Do some mortgage calculators and find out a) whether you could take over your place or b) if not, what sort of place you could get. How much are you likely to get from your house if your partner had to buy you out or if you sold?
Once you've found one place that "would be okay", you'll feel much more confident that if the worst came to it you'd be able to find somewhere. Then you can focus on a decision that is right for you and your daughter and not one that is driven through fear of the unknown.

duchy

Can I suggest you do some research.

Go to the benefit calculators and work out exactly what you are entitled to in benefits as a working single Mum (increased child benefit, tax crdits etc) and then go to the child support calculator and see how much he legally has to pay you for support for your daughter. You may be quite surprised to find it's enough to more than manage.

Do you have family or friends nearby (or has he driven them all away another classic abuser tactic to isolate their victim)

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

Can I suggest you do some research.

Go to the benefit calculators and work out exactly what you are entitled to in benefits as a working single Mum (increased child benefit, tax crdits etc) and then go to the child support calculator and see how much he legally has to pay you for support for your daughter. You may be quite surprised to find it's enough to more than manage.

Do you have family or friends nearby (or has he driven them all away another classic abuser tactic to isolate their victim)

You beat me to this suggestion, duchy.

A friend of mine found herself on her own, little part-time job & 2 kids when her husband went off with someone else.

I and other friends helped her get advice on her entitlement - the benefit checkers here are very good -
https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

and 4 years on she's never been happier.

warby68

PinkPeach wrote: »

Thanks so much for your comments everyone, it's really helpful to see how other people view the situation and what they would do.
I have decided that I do need to confront him directly and agree that showing him a print out of the comments and waiting for his reaction is an option. My question is what I should say when he asks why I've been snooping? After looking at his phone previously I said I would't do it again and clearly have.


In terms of leaving I'm worried about money/where I'd live to be honest. When we were going to split a while ago it looked like it would be hard for me to take on the mortgage alone. As I have a dog as well renting seems like it could be difficult. I guess I'm just putting obstacles in my own way and things like that would work themselves out.


Burying my head in the sand seems easier to be honest but I realise that I have my daughter to think of as well. He's not putting her first by messing about like this.

Take your time. This type of thing burns like its urgent and you have to deal with it NOW. But you can take a while and get your head straighter and a few plans in place before you ignite the fuse.

I really feel for you - you just want the life you signed up for and accepting you can't have it and trying to find another one that even interests you remotely can leave you 'stuck' where you shouldn't be.

Certainly arranging some financial breathing space would be good where you suspect he would be vindictive. And if you have someone in real life you can confide in and give you some support that will help a lot. I have a friend who planned her 'getaway' for nearly 2 years - scrimping cash, looking at places she could afford alone etc but mainly getting her mindset right so he couldn't persuade her to try again (for the umpteenth time). So when she went, she was ready for it, not in every way but certainly mentally and emotionally. She left and moved straight into a tiny rented place with her child (and dog!) having saved just about enough to pay whatever she had to of the old joint bills etc until the separation was sorted. She knew he would never be the one to leave the house- he used it as control. It might seem deceitful to live like that but in reality there are many things in life we keep quiet about until we're ready. He certainly does that.

BrassicWoman

You deserve better

Children deserve good role models

It is never, ever worth staying for the money

Lots of places will let you keep a dog if you pay an extra deposit

troubleinparadise

PINK PEACH: I have a feeling he could make life very difficult for me and although I do love him (and as I mentioned, I want a normal family life), I hate confrontation and I think am also worried about being alone - which is silly as not everyone is in a relationship.

You are alone already - this is not a partnership, the two of you aren't working as a team - he views himself as an individual who is looking to get his needs met somewhere; his present set-up seems to mean very little to him as he is prepared to potentially walk away from it all for a dream.

You sound as though you are very capable of supporting yourself, you have a job and your head on straight, but would love to be in a supportive relationship. Has that ever been the case between you two? Or does it only work as long as you are meek and don't rock the boat?

Do you have supportive family and friends of your own? It could be that you could be very happy on your own, rather than unhappy in this "relationship".

Sorry, that's lots of intrusive questions - they don't need answering here, it's more for you to think about whilst you work out what you want and need.

It is scary, but manageable - and better than living in fear. No-one who loved you or deserved you would do this to you. :eek:

prowla

It is entirely possible that he believes the marriage is over and you are both just sleepwalking along.

I'm not sure about the dynamic of your relationship, but is he comfortable about expressing himself or does one of you dominate every conversation?

meer53

My ex also blamed for for him having an affair, it was my fault. Like everything else that went wrong, it was always my fault.

OP, with hindsight, and this happened 14 years ago now, i truly wish that i'd walked away from him many years before i found out about his affair. Yes, he denied the affair, even when i gave him the evidence i had, which was undeniable. He even said "How DARE you check my phone" !! I had a 2 year old and a teenager at the time too so it wasn't easy.

Please believe me, and others on the thread who say that you'll be much happier if you make the decision to end your relationship. It will be hard and it will take time, but it really is the best option. People may say "how about counselling ?" i would say, no thanks, your OH needs to know that you won't stand for his controlling ways. You often can't see whats right under your nose until you've stepped away from it.

I have never been as happy as i am now, i can see him for what he really is. A selfish control freak who thinks about no-one but himself.

The woman he left me for is now a friend of mine, after comparing our stories, she was lied to, just as i was. I never confronted her, they had a child together who is step sibling of my two so we ended up speaking on several occasions and our friendship developed when she left him for the same reasons i did !

Mojisola

PinkPeach wrote: »

I have a feeling he could make life very difficult for me and although I do love him (and as I mentioned, I want a normal family life), I hate confrontation and I think am also worried about being alone - which is silly as not everyone is in a relationship.

You don't really believe you're ever going to have a normal family life with this man, do you?

You might be able to pretend to outsiders that everything's fine but he's just going to go from one 'other woman' to the next, lying to them just as he lies to you.

In the meantime, he will wear you down more and more so that it will harder to leave.

Is that the 'family' you want your child to grow up in?

marisco_2

PinkPeach wrote: »

To some extent, yes. When we've had problems in the past he's shouted me down and is completely unwilling to listen/compromise/accept he's wrong. I find it awful trying to live in a house with someone who for weeks on end ignores me, won't do anything around the house etc all because he's cross with me. (I realise this is probably emotional abuse).


I have a feeling he could make life very difficult for me and although I do love him (and as I mentioned, I want a normal family life), I hate confrontation and I think am also worried about being alone - which is silly as not everyone is in a relationship.

The fear of starting over again by yourself with the responsibility of a young child to care for too can be crippling. I was in a similar situation to you ten years ago. You do have what it takes to make a future that will be happier and more wonderful than you probably dare imagine possible right now. Don't continue suffering as you are. Your child will grow up thinking that this is the norm and all that they can expect from their own relationships later on.