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Confronting the 'other woman'

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A few days ago I found facebook messages between my husband and a girlfriend he used to have when he was in his early teens. She now lives abroad and I was shocked to find that within the course of a few messages that he was fishing for an invite to visit her, which she granted. He'd mentioned that his marriage to me was over a long time ago and she did query with him about the fact that he has photos of me on FB and that she found that strange. She also did say she didn't want things in his marriage to become more difficult if we are still together as it wouldn't be fair on her or me. He then told her that things were awkward and it was a matter of time before the end of the marriage was finalised. (So I assume he's previously been saying that his marriage is on the rocks).


Our marriage has been turbulent but we've been in what I thought was a good place for quite some time, so this all came as a shock to me - especially when he's been behaving completely normally. After inviting him to stay she then messaged the next day to say she didn't think it was a good idea as she's not been on a date since she separated from her husband 7 months ago, and that they ought to get to know each other better first as the last time they saw each other was as teenagers.


My husbands behaviour can be very up and down and as well as suffering with depression I genuinely believe that he's been having a mid-life crisis for some time now. As we are in a good place (or at least I thought we were) I feel hurt by this and angry, but am really reluctant to rock the boat as I don't think I can take any more upheaval at the moment. He has a temper and I'm sure the situation would get turned around on me if I confronted him about it. Therefore, I wondered if people generally thought it would be a good/bad idea to contact the woman on FB to explain that I'd seen the messages and to (kindly) make it clear that we are not getting divorced? I feel concerned that if I don't do anything he will continue to message her and it will take his focus away from our relationship - it was hurtful to see that he'd written that his heart was beating so fast he felt like a teenager again, after she invited him over. However, I'm worried that if I ask her not to tell him that I'd contacted her that she may do so, and that it could cause no end of problems.


Has anyone had any experience of this before? I know marriage takes work and that trust is a major issue. I simply want a 'normal' family life for us and our child. I'm also unsure if I'm overeacting given that she lives elsewhere in Europe so it's not like she's in the same town.


I have to admit that I came across the messages after checking up on him since he seemed to have been getting overfriendly with another old friend on FB. I'm not sure I trust him not to behave in an acceptable way - or perhaps he thinks what he is doing is harmless and therefore acceptable?! He doesn't know that I know his password and I've noticed that conversations between him and the other old friend get deleted, when ones that are ongoing with men remain. I'd queried with him months ago about text messages from the other old friend and he again turned it round on me and got defensive. I was made to feel bad for saying that I wanted to know if something was going on.

I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes but equally don't want to live life as a snoop. I feel ashamed that I have become one but don't like to think of him having potential emotional affairs behind my back.


Any advice would be appreciated but please don't just comment that I ought to leave him - I just don't think it's as black and white as that as I'm confident that he's not having physical relations with anyone else as he's always at home when not working.
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  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 33,033 Forumite
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    I think if you're going to be talking to anyone it should be the husband who's been lying to the both if you, not the woman who's done her best to make sure she's been up front about where she stands.
    Because even if she ends it after you've had a word, that does nothing to resolve why he's behaving like this, and nothing to stop him from doing it again with someone else.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

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  • onomatopoeia99
    onomatopoeia99 Posts: 6,972 Forumite
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    Ignore the other woman, you have no relationship with her. It is your husband that you should be talking to.
    PinkPeach wrote: »
    A few days ago I found facebook messages between my husband and a girlfriend he used to have when he was in his early teens.

    How did you find them? They aren't something one typically stumbles across while doing the laundry.
    Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 2023
  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884 Forumite
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    I think she deserves to know what a lying b*st*rd he is, she's clearly not a serial 'other woman' and stands to get quite badly hurt if nobody tips her off.

    I also you think you (and your child) deserve better than to have to live with a lying b*st*rd with a 'temper' who would hurt you to this extent and behave so appallingly.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    If you do decide to contact her it should be for her sake and not yours.
  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884 Forumite
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    PinkPeach wrote: »
    I found them after suspecting he may be up to something.


    In an ideal world I would love to feel I could confront him but have a feeling it will start WW3. Having queried with him previously about texts on his phone, he turned it around on me and got really cross for me having looked at his phone so I'm sure I'll end up being labelled 'untrustworthy' even though what he's doing isn't right.

    Are you scared of him?
  • PinkPeach
    PinkPeach Posts: 613 Forumite
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    edited 7 May 2016 at 10:12PM
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    Ignore the other woman, you have no relationship with her. It is your husband that you should be talking to.



    How did you find them? They aren't something one typically stumbles across while doing the laundry.
    I found them after suspecting he may be up to something.


    In an ideal world I would love to feel I could confront him but have a feeling it will start WW3. Having queried with him previously about texts on his phone, he turned it around on me and got really cross for me having looked at his phone so I'm sure I'll end up being labelled 'untrustworthy' even though what he's doing isn't right.


    I forgot to add that after she'd said they ought to get to know each other he deleted the thread. I'd copied it to a Word document and saved it on my work PC - evidence I guess. As she'd put a hold on things he was in a bad mood when he got home from work and when I asked what was wrong he snapped that it was none of my business. I however knew it was because she'd asked him not to visit. I'm not sure if he'd have actually gone or if he likes the attention.
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  • pigpen
    pigpen Posts: 41,064 Forumite
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    the other woman has done nothing wrong.. your husband has..

    Its not her fault he has lied to her and to you..

    If its not her it will be someone else.. he is a turd.. kick him to the kerb he wont ever change!
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  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    edited 7 May 2016 at 10:23PM
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    Why on earth are you confronting her ?

    The only reason she is agreeing to contact is because your husband is feeding her a pack of (what is presumably) lies.

    HE is the one who has betrayed you and HE is the one you should be confronting.

    As for asking her not to tell your husband you've contacted her......Why should she- She's not a friend and she appears to value honesty so is more than likely to tell your husband to take a hike as he's a dirty, scumbag, cheating liar and she deserves far better......and she'd be right.

    As for not confronting him because it would start WW3 .........and ?
    If you think him lying to other women and pretending to be single is fine with you - then don't say anything (but if it's OK for him to act like that why do you have a problem with the other women he is lying to) some marriages exist for years with the husband cheating and the wife pretending not to notice. If however it isn't acceptable to you -then you confront him.
    If he throws a tantrum and walks out then all you've lost is a cheating loser.
    Clearly if you are hacking into his FB you already had suspicions anyway.
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  • PinkPeach
    PinkPeach Posts: 613 Forumite
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    Person_one wrote: »
    Are you scared of him?


    To some extent, yes. When we've had problems in the past he's shouted me down and is completely unwilling to listen/compromise/accept he's wrong. I find it awful trying to live in a house with someone who for weeks on end ignores me, won't do anything around the house etc all because he's cross with me. (I realise this is probably emotional abuse).


    I have a feeling he could make life very difficult for me and although I do love him (and as I mentioned, I want a normal family life), I hate confrontation and I think am also worried about being alone - which is silly as not everyone is in a relationship.
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  • POPPYOSCAR
    POPPYOSCAR Posts: 14,897 Forumite
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    I agree with those that say you should leave this poor women out of it.


    How do you think she would feel knowing she had been deceived after what sounds like she has been through a difficult time herself?


    Your marriage is between you and your husband.


    How long can you go on living like this?
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