Confronting the 'other woman'

meer53

OP, read Mariscos signature :

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

This is so true.

Dill

Money_maker wrote: »

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4189139


One of your previous posts 'husband wants nothing to do with our 8 day old baby'. So sorry OP, I think you've had a tough time of things in the last few years.

I haven't read the whole of the thread but depression can turn people into monsters. Did he go to see his GP?

piglet74

Dont let your daughter grow up under the same roof as this man.

Even if you don't want to leave him, fear of upheaval etc, do it for her, you and her both deserve better than this xx

Tigsteroonie

OP would you ever trust him again?

Person_one

Money_maker wrote: »

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4189139


One of your previous posts 'husband wants nothing to do with our 8 day old baby'. So sorry OP, I think you've had a tough time of things in the last few years.

Oh no.

I remember that thread, I hadn't realised it was you OP.

I can't believe you've been living like this for another three and a half years after it was completely obvious that this man was never going to behave properly and treat you and your child well. I'm so sad to think that all this time you've been stuck in this awful situation and getting more and more worn down by it.

There is support out there if you want it, you can leave, you can have a better life than this godawful one you've ended up with.

PinkPeach

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

OP would you ever trust him again?

I think I have to say no to that. As it turns out we ended up talking about it this afternoon. Whilst out in the morning I decided to take my time like another poster said and not to rush into anything. So I decided to make sure that we'd finished paying my mum off some money we owe her after she'd let us borrow it to move house. That way I'd never feel guilty about not paying back the money if the relationship broke down (not that mum would mind at all, but it's my mindset). When I came home he made a comment that he didn't think I was coming back as I'd been gone so long. He didn't say it in a nasty way at all, but I did reply that he'd probably prefer that. It lead into me saying that I'd seen the FB messages and he didn't say anything and didn't fly off the handle.


We agreed to have a talk about it there and then and I told him how much he'd hurt me. He acknowledged that had I behaved that way he'd have been really angry. He has said that he feels his life isn't being lived to the full and that we don't do enough as a couple - which he feels I'm responsible for. For example, he bought a tent 2 weeks ago so would could go camping as a family and I wasn't initally keen. However, he has overlooked my efforts at trying to increase intimacy between us which is obviously not a good sign. He has, to be fair, made a lot of changes in the past few years for the better, such as seeking GP help for his depression and going to counselling for a few months (NHS provided so it wasn't ever going to be ongoing). Because of this though, he seems to think I'm the one that must now take my turn to change. I find this odd though as none of my behaviour has ever been unacceptable.


When asked, he said that he couldn't say that he'd never seek out another woman again, which really set alarm bells ringing for me - along with the fact that although he says he loves me and our family, he didn't actually say sorry! (I don't think he is sorry). He said he didn't know if he would have gone to visit the other woman but felt he probably wouldn't have done.


He denied contacting other women in addition to the old girlfriend but repeatedly shifted his eyes to the right during this part of the conversation (which I think suggests lying?) His bodylanguage seemed iffy anyway so I suspect there are others. He didn't really seem to know why he'd contacted the old girlfriend other than the fact that they used to be together. I guess it's for attention and the excitement that he seems to be after.


I feel quite worn out by it all already. As it was left, he basically said it's up to me to decide what to do. My heart longs for someone that is capable of all the right things within a relationship so I feel sad knowing that my head feels that being with him is not the right thing to do. So many of you reinforced what I already know deep down by saying it's not a good situation for my daughter. I am worreid as well that it would affect her more the older she gets.


He did say he doesn't think he's having a mid-life crisis as I suggested, or that this is anything to do with depression but rather the fact that for the majority of his life he's never been happy. He had a bad childhood and troubled teens/twenties but did acknowledge that he has been happy with me - but I guess just not anymore. I said it was hurtful to read that he'd told the other woman our marriage was over and it was just formalities that needed sorting out and he said that this is how he feels. I guess that although it's possible to love someone, your heart isn't always in it. I've had this experience myself in my twenties with a boyfriend so know how it feels from that side, but it feels rubbish to know that someone no longer loves you how you hope'd they did.


I've not said to him yet that I don't think we should continue, it feels like such a big thing to do. I am lucky in that I'm very close to my family (who now what he's like) and have some lovely girlfriends (who I've never felt I could talk to about him because I find it embarrasing how I've been treated in the past, but whom I think I now did ought to lean on for support because I know how upset and stressed he's made mum feel in the past due to his behaviour).


Thank you also to the person that advised me what to say about why I'd looked at FB in the first place. I did use this advice and it made things a lot easier.


Thank you also to everyone else that has taken the time to reply to my post. I feel really alone at the moment and although I don't know any of you it does mean an awful lot to know that there are people who are willing to offer a bit of time to help me.


I'm not sure what happens now to be honest, I think we are going to have to sit and have some more chats to try and work out how to pave the way ahead without being together anymore.

PinkPeach

Person-One:


Yes, that was me...


God, it was awful re-reading my original post on that thread. I'm sorry I never ended up replying to anyone to say how I was, having a new baby plus the added stress was too much.


I ended up staying with my parents for 2 weeks after his mum left because I couldn't cope on my own. From memory I think I had nothing to do with him for that time and then he must have contacted me and I went home with the baby and we worked it out. It was like he'd had a complete breakdown. We moved house in the November and things were still rocky due to him being so self-centered but I was too worried about paying my parents back their money to worry about how I felt. As it turned out him taking the rest of my maternity leave in January did work out for the best, it really opened his eyes about how difficult it is to look after a little one and he apologised for how hard he'd been on me.


Since then life has had it's ups and downs but I do feel that it's been more turbulent than any other normal relationship. I don't think he has ME as another doctor advised that his sypmtoms were actually caused by depression. I have always felt though that I bent over backwards to see him through those tough times and that if god-forbid I became ill, I'm not sure he'd have the same kind of patience.

Tigsteroonie

PinkPeach wrote: »

Thank you also to everyone else that has taken the time to reply to my post. I feel really alone at the moment and although I don't know any of you it does mean an awful lot to know that there are people who are willing to offer a bit of time to help me.

Thank YOU for coming back and posting an update, rather than returning only to delete your opening post because things have moved on.

I love my tinternet pals, they talk far more sense than my real ones :rotfl:

[Deleted User]

I've been in much the same situation, blaming myself, making perfectly reasonable excuses for unreasonable and hurtful behaviour.

Believe it or not I went out with my ex today to do some shopping, he came knocking on my door, I was happy when we left but after an hour of having every decision questioned I came back rather depressed and made it clear that his behaviour was disrespectful, he offered to help me dig a garden, and then left me to it and reacted as if I was being completely unreasonable when I pointed this out (I have a few health problems, he sat there watching TV while I was struggling). Of course he denied that his behaviour was not good. But now I can say that it was, and say bye lol. I value myself rather more than I used to.

I think you know he has as much as admitted its over..,and there will come a day when you will see this as the beginning of a new start for you. Its horrible at the time, but while feeling sad and hurt, remember that the future is there and surely its got to be better than how you are living now. I got to a point where I said 'I don't deserve this, I deserve so much more'. And so did my sons.

And we are slowly moving on. I know I'm a lot more happy and confident now (well except for the odd colleywobble lol).

Perhaps now you need to look at how you can split up, financially etc.

justme111

It would be a good idea to say bye to him. Kinder for you both.