Confronting the 'other woman'

Prothet_of_Doom

PinkPeach wrote: »

Thanks for your comments. I feel frozen with fear at the moment and haven't been able to summon the courage to tell him it's over - .

I think you have done well not to murder him in his bed. Sounds like a !!!! to me. Suggest you see a solicitor ASAP.

hollydays

Do not doubt yourself . You've done nothing wrong.
Do you want to have ' a chat'? That suggests two reasonable people exchanging views..is he going to be reasonable .

Or do you need to just tell him your intentions.
You need your friends right now .

Person_one

Have you told anybody in real life about what's happening?

When you separate, he will have to pay child maintenance, and you will be eligible for some extra tax credits, possible benefits depending on how much you work/earn. Is there no way you could pay the mortgage alone in your new circumstances? I don't see why you and your daughter should be the ones to leave your home if you can possibly stay.

thorsoak

Dear Peachy Price - start thinking of yourself as a strong woman - which you no doubt are! You've brought up your baby, gone back to work and you have survived - despite having a millstone of a man around your neck!

Don't start preparing long speeches - just pack all his stuff into black binbags, and leave them on the step. And put the sneck on the door, so that he cannot get in! He says the marriage is over? OK - show him what "over" really means.

You WILL manage financially - he will have to pay maintenance for your little girl, and you will find that yes, love, you can do it. xxx

justme111

Why do you think you need to have "a chat"?

BrassicWoman

justme111 wrote: »

Why do you think you need to have "a chat"?

If she needs to, she needs to. It may have been over in hs head for ages but it's new to OP.

There's no one right way to do this.

Peachy Price, you are doing great. Stay strong. You deserve to be treated well.

I'd sell the ring; you need to gather your emergency funds.

prowla

Some of the posts on here show real hatred towards somebody they've never met.

Pollycat

prowla wrote: »

Some of the posts on here show real hatred towards somebody they've never met.

And some of the posts on here show real empathy/sympathy towards somebody they've never met.

Stange, huh?

OP - you mention you've looked at rental properties online.
I would really recommenrd that you follow the advice below:

duchy wrote: »

Can I suggest you do some research.

Go to the benefit calculators and work out exactly what you are entitled to in benefits as a working single Mum (increased child benefit, tax crdits etc) and then go to the child support calculator and see how much he legally has to pay you for support for your daughter. You may be quite surprised to find it's enough to more than manage.

Do you have family or friends nearby (or has he driven them all away another classic abuser tactic to isolate their victim)

Here is a link to the benefit checkers:
https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

You could also consider going to the CAB or maybe get an appointment for a free half-hour session with a local solicitor.

duchy

prowla wrote: »

Some of the posts on here show real hatred towards somebody they've never met.

What a strange comment.

I don't think you can hate someone you've never met (although obviously you may feel differently- we're not all the same. I see support for a woman struggling with a difficult situation and disgust for the actions of a man who clearly has no respect for his marriage and wife.

To translate that into hatred is a bit of a leap though.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

PinkPeach wrote: »

A few days ago I found facebook messages between my husband and a girlfriend he used to have when he was in his early teens. She now lives abroad and I was shocked to find that within the course of a few messages that he was fishing for an invite to visit her, which she granted. He'd mentioned that his marriage to me was over a long time ago and she did query with him about the fact that he has photos of me on FB and that she found that strange. She also did say she didn't want things in his marriage to become more difficult if we are still together as it wouldn't be fair on her or me. He then told her that things were awkward and it was a matter of time before the end of the marriage was finalised. (So I assume he's previously been saying that his marriage is on the rocks).


Our marriage has been turbulent but we've been in what I thought was a good place for quite some time, so this all came as a shock to me - especially when he's been behaving completely normally. After inviting him to stay she then messaged the next day to say she didn't think it was a good idea as she's not been on a date since she separated from her husband 7 months ago, and that they ought to get to know each other better first as the last time they saw each other was as teenagers.


My husbands behaviour can be very up and down and as well as suffering with depression I genuinely believe that he's been having a mid-life crisis for some time now. As we are in a good place (or at least I thought we were) I feel hurt by this and angry, but am really reluctant to rock the boat as I don't think I can take any more upheaval at the moment. He has a temper and I'm sure the situation would get turned around on me if I confronted him about it. Therefore, I wondered if people generally thought it would be a good/bad idea to contact the woman on FB to explain that I'd seen the messages and to (kindly) make it clear that we are not getting divorced? I feel concerned that if I don't do anything he will continue to message her and it will take his focus away from our relationship - it was hurtful to see that he'd written that his heart was beating so fast he felt like a teenager again, after she invited him over. However, I'm worried that if I ask her not to tell him that I'd contacted her that she may do so, and that it could cause no end of problems.


Has anyone had any experience of this before? I know marriage takes work and that trust is a major issue. I simply want a 'normal' family life for us and our child. I'm also unsure if I'm overeacting given that she lives elsewhere in Europe so it's not like she's in the same town.


I have to admit that I came across the messages after checking up on him since he seemed to have been getting overfriendly with another old friend on FB. I'm not sure I trust him not to behave in an acceptable way - or perhaps he thinks what he is doing is harmless and therefore acceptable?! He doesn't know that I know his password and I've noticed that conversations between him and the other old friend get deleted, when ones that are ongoing with men remain. I'd queried with him months ago about text messages from the other old friend and he again turned it round on me and got defensive. I was made to feel bad for saying that I wanted to know if something was going on.

I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes but equally don't want to live life as a snoop. I feel ashamed that I have become one but don't like to think of him having potential emotional affairs behind my back.


Any advice would be appreciated but please don't just comment that I ought to leave him - I just don't think it's as black and white as that as I'm confident that he's not having physical relations with anyone else as he's always at home when not working.

I haven't read all the replies so apologises if this has already been said but:


The other women is NOT at fault in this. Your man is. Regardless whether she knew he was married etc - it is your mans responsibility to say "no, I'm married"


I know you feel a lot of anger towards this lady - but you're aiming at the wrong person. HE was in the wrong, and HE is the one you need to be speaking to.