Confronting the 'other woman'

FBaby

I find this odd though as none of my behaviour has ever been unacceptable.

Of course you've done nothing wrong, don't let him think you have. The problem seems to be though that you have, or at least are moving in different directions wanting different things to make you happy. I am guessing your happiness comes from contentment and stability whereas his (or at least he believes his) happiness comes from excitement. He is trying to tell you that he would like to share that excitement with you, but if it not going to happen, he is prepared to seek it elsewhere because without it, he battles with depression.

So in a nutshell, it all comes down to whether you are still compatible in your personalities, goals in life, aspirations etc... You both seem to be scared to consider that you might have taken different paths which could mean that moving on might be best for both of you, you because you rely on him financially, him because I expect he relies on you emotionally.

Some couples in your situation manage to go back to what they brought them together and start afresh with common aspirations, but most end up growing more and more resentful that the other is refusing to share theirs, blaming them, and view themselves as victims, ultimately leading to a break-up, often bitter that time has been wasted.

I really do think you need to consider couple counselling to see whether your marriage is strong enough to get over this or whether for the sake of both of you and child, you are better off with the hope of starting a new life separately that makes you individually happy.

hollydays

PinkPeach wrote: »

I think I have to say no to that. As it turns out we ended up talking about it this afternoon. Whilst out in the morning I decided to take my time like another poster said and not to rush into anything. So I decided to make sure that we'd finished paying my mum off some money we owe her after she'd let us borrow it to move house. That way I'd never feel guilty about not paying back the money if the relationship broke down (not that mum would mind at all, but it's my mindset). When I came home he made a comment that he didn't think I was coming back as I'd been gone so long. He didn't say it in a nasty way at all, but I did reply that he'd probably prefer that. It lead into me saying that I'd seen the FB messages and he didn't say anything and didn't fly off the handle.


We agreed to have a talk about it there and then and I told him how much he'd hurt me. He acknowledged that had I behaved that way he'd have been really angry. He has said that he feels his life isn't being lived to the full and that we don't do enough as a couple - which he feels I'm responsible for. For example, he bought a tent 2 weeks ago so would could go camping as a family and I wasn't initally keen. However, he has overlooked my efforts at trying to increase intimacy between us which is obviously not a good sign. He has, to be fair, made a lot of changes in the past few years for the better, such as seeking GP help for his depression and going to counselling for a few months (NHS provided so it wasn't ever going to be ongoing). Because of this though, he seems to think I'm the one that must now take my turn to change. I find this odd though as none of my behaviour has ever been unacceptable.


When asked, he said that he couldn't say that he'd never seek out another woman again, which really set alarm bells ringing for me - along with the fact that although he says he loves me and our family, he didn't actually say sorry! (I don't think he is sorry). He said he didn't know if he would have gone to visit the other woman but felt he probably wouldn't have done.


He denied contacting other women in addition to the old girlfriend but repeatedly shifted his eyes to the right during this part of the conversation (which I think suggests lying?) His bodylanguage seemed iffy anyway so I suspect there are others. He didn't really seem to know why he'd contacted the old girlfriend other than the fact that they used to be together. I guess it's for attention and the excitement that he seems to be after.


I feel quite worn out by it all already. As it was left, he basically said it's up to me to decide what to do. My heart longs for someone that is capable of all the right things within a relationship so I feel sad knowing that my head feels that being with him is not the right thing to do. So many of you reinforced what I already know deep down by saying it's not a good situation for my daughter. I am worreid as well that it would affect her more the older she gets.


He did say he doesn't think he's having a mid-life crisis as I suggested, or that this is anything to do with depression but rather the fact that for the majority of his life he's never been happy. He had a bad childhood and troubled teens/twenties but did acknowledge that he has been happy with me - but I guess just not anymore. I said it was hurtful to read that he'd told the other woman our marriage was over and it was just formalities that needed sorting out and he said that this is how he feels. I guess that although it's possible to love someone, your heart isn't always in it. I've had this experience myself in my twenties with a boyfriend so know how it feels from that side, but it feels rubbish to know that someone no longer loves you how you hope'd they did.


I've not said to him yet that I don't think we should continue, it feels like such a big thing to do. I am lucky in that I'm very close to my family (who now what he's like) and have some lovely girlfriends (who I've never felt I could talk to about him because I find it embarrasing how I've been treated in the past, but whom I think I now did ought to lean on for support because I know how upset and stressed he's made mum feel in the past due to his behaviour).


Thank you also to the person that advised me what to say about why I'd looked at FB in the first place. I did use this advice and it made things a lot easier.


Thank you also to everyone else that has taken the time to reply to my post. I feel really alone at the moment and although I don't know any of you it does mean an awful lot to know that there are people who are willing to offer a bit of time to help me.


I'm not sure what happens now to be honest, I think we are going to have to sit and have some more chats to try and work out how to pave the way ahead without being together anymore.

It does feel like a big thing to do, but good decisions are sometimes initially rather scary.Thats why we need a few people to " hold our hand" at times.:)

I would reach out now to your friends . I think you may be surprised they may have more than an inkling about what is going on. Garner support from them. That's what friends are for. The relief of being able to say to them out loud what you think is going on is likely to give you a real lift and strength.

All he's doing here is not taking responsibility and putting the responsibility ( pressure) onto you, he senses he's drained you in the past and probably thinks it'll fizzle out and you'll forget what he's done.
I'd fully expect the next stage will be him blaming you again, as this is the usual pattern.Possibly interspersed with him trying to be " considerate" for a short while.:(

warby68

Thinking of you today OP

I'm sure it will be an 'OMG what have I/we done?' sort of feeling this morning.

As an outsider though, your posts over a short time show you gaining strength and certainty already and I hope you find a way to push forward for a new life. It is time to assert yourself now you have started. Do not accept the temper tantrums, blame shifting and bad behaviour that I suspect they will be on the way. You don't have to fight them or be drawn in now there is nothing more for you to fix, just walk away with a firm message each time that the behaviour is unacceptable to you.

You will be heartbroken and it won't seem real, particularly as you have lived with things not right for a very long time so just keep going and let your own mind adjust.

I think its quite revealing that you haven't come up with a single good thing about him to post here (unless I missed it LOL) so suspect you're well on the way sub-consciously.

Start looking outwards as you've said to friends and family. There is safety in numbers. I very much doubt they'll be surprised - I don't even think you have to tell anyone specifics if you aren't ready, just that you're ready to call it quits. I think it will be hard for you to admit what you've put up with and what's been done to you as you feel it very much as a reflection on you. Its that mindset that has to change and it will take time. You loved a man and wanted a family life - nothing wrong with that.

Take care, today especially.

duchy

I suspect you may find friends or family to be very supportive and have being waiting for you to wake up and smell the coffee.

You don't need to discuss anything in detail if you don't want to "We've grown apart " "We don't have the same goals anymore" is enough if asked. Odds are those who care about you will just be glad you have seen him as they see him.

Deanna's post was telling - going shopping with her ex as she described -instead of feeling undermined - she felt annoyed - That's the kind of progress that happens when you stand up and say "I deserve better" Very soon you realize you really do -and there's no going back from that

hazyjo

Decide what you want. If you want to leave him, do some planning before speaking with him and get all your facts and rights straight.


Don't get into talks or arguments. He will find a way of blaming you. Stay calm and in control. If you want him out, say that. End of conversation.


Anything more is just onion peeling. Peel off another layer, more tears.


You don't need him. Talk to other women in similar situations on forums if you have to.


If you stay - good luck.


Jx

duchy

FBaby wrote: »

I really do think you need to consider couple counselling to see whether your marriage is strong enough to get over this or whether for the sake of both of you and child, you are better off with the hope of starting a new life separately that makes you individually happy.

For me a man telling another women that we had no marriage left would be such a betrayal of our marriage and our family life - I wouldn't see any point in counseling. There are mistakes which may be recoverable if our basic goals were the same - but there is a line beyond which there is no recovery (and I appreciate where that line falls is different for different people)

Double_V

Talk to your husband.
You shouldn't be scared of him. Husband and wife solves issues together. So if one of them is scared of the other than that relationship is not a very good one.

Speak to him.

Hope all goes well.

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

For me a man telling another women that we had no marriage left would be such a betrayal of our marriage and our family life - I wouldn't see any point in counseling. There are mistakes which may be recoverable if our basic goals were the same - but there is a line beyond which there is no recovery (and I appreciate where that line falls is different for different people)

I agree with the above.

PinkPeach wrote: »

When asked, he said that he couldn't say that he'd never seek out another woman again, which really set alarm bells ringing for me - along with the fact that although he says he loves me and our family, he didn't actually say sorry! (I don't think he is sorry). He said he didn't know if he would have gone to visit the other woman but felt he probably wouldn't have done.

And this would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage ^^^

Double_V wrote: »

Talk to your husband.
You shouldn't be scared of him. Husband and wife solves issues together. So if one of them is scared of the other than that relationship is not a very good one.

Speak to him.

Hope all goes well.

I agree that a wife shouldn't be scared of her husband but there are lots of relationships where that is sadly the case (and vice versa too).

villandry

I wouldn't bother confronting the other woman - it sounds as if she has the measure of him. And you just don't know what people's reactions will be.

A few years ago, I was "the other woman" - an ex contacted me on facebook and was pressuring me to meet up when I wasn't interested. He swore blind that his marriage was over, but I suspected otherwise. After blocking him when I found out that he was most definitely still married, he began harassing me, to the extent that I let his wife know what he was doing. This unleashed such a s*** load of abuse from her and her grown up children, accusing me of lying, and threatening me, that I ended up getting the police involved. I suspect he just told her that I was the one pursuing him, and she believed him. However, he had a track record of cheating when he was with me years ago, and his first marriage ended because of his infidelity. And sure enough, I heard through the grapevine that he was divorced again after he had cheated. Leopards don't change their spots!

TBagpuss

PinkPeach wrote: »

Thanks so much for your comments everyone, it's really helpful to see how other people view the situation and what they would do.
I have decided that I do need to confront him directly and agree that showing him a print out of the comments and waiting for his reaction is an option. My question is what I should say when he asks why I've been snooping? After looking at his phone previously I said I would't do it again and clearly have.

"that's not the issue right now. The issue is that you have been lying to me, and to this other woman"

In terms of leaving I'm worried about money/where I'd live to be honest. When we were going to split a while ago it looked like it would be hard for me to take on the mortgage alone. As I have a dog as well renting seems like it could be difficult. I guess I'm just putting obstacles in my own way and things like that would work themselves out.


Burying my head in the sand seems easier to be honest but I realise that I have my daughter to think of as well. He's not putting her first by messing about like this.

You wouldn't have to go anywhere short term. Longer term you would need to look into your entitlement for any tax credits, benefits etc. Stat that now. Be clear with ypurself what the implacatins are if the two of you split up. If you are working, look at whaether you can get onto 16+ hours aweek to ensure that you can claim Tax Credits not just Income support if thigs do go pear shaped.

See whether you can start to put some money to one sde so that in an emergency you have a 'cushion' of savings.

Don't sugat coat the reality of your current relationship. I can understnad not wanting to be alone, but don't compare being single with being in a good, mutually supportice and resepctfu;l relationship if that is not the reality. Compare it with being in a relationship with someone who lies to you, intimidates you and cheats on you. Is being single really going to be worse that that?

No one else is in a position to make that choice for you, but it is sensibkle for you to decide what you want, and then to take the steps to achieve it. Remember that you cannot change him. You can only change hpw your react to him.

I am afraid that I think the chances of him changing his behaviour on any permanent basis are pretty low; he's done this kind of thing before, he knows exactly what he is doing and how it affects you but he has chosen to do it again anyway. You yourself have identified that if you confront him his reaction is less likely to be to try to change nad improve his own beahviour, and more likely to be to ttry to blame you and make it about you 'snooping', not about him cheating.