Confronting the 'other woman'

warby68

Are you willing to settle for a cheat and a liar because of your fear of the alternatives?

That is the issue - the 'other woman' isn't really playing any part here other than that of another potential victim.

You are trying to rationalise his behaviour away into some mid-life, not so serious, attention seeking behaviour but its more than that and I think you know it.

duchy

Quite frankly if you confront him he'll just give you a load of nonsense about how it's all your fault -as the best form of defence is attack and he will feel cornered.

If you think he will use money as a weapon then don't pay the bills until you've set up direct debits for the bills with an equitable division- although if you confront him he may walk out so you should make sure you have money to cushion this until you can sort out tax credits and apply for him to provide child support .

It doesn't sound like a happy marriage - and it is entirely possible that the only thing stopping you building a happier life and meeting someone who loves you back and doesn't indulge in emotional abuse is the fact you haven't yet ended your marriage.

Does he have no friends or family who would give him sofa space ? Most people have some friends.

What do you think you couldn't cope with as a sole parent ? Sounds like if he sulks for weeks on end refusing to help you in any way you are already accustomed to fending for yourself.

PinkPeach wrote: »

I think I want an explanation as to why he decided to do this. However, in the past he's made comments like 'things haven't been right for years' etc etc and his behaviour fits with someone having a mid-life crisis. He wants change/adventure but has no idea exactly what that would involve. His brother died recently after a short illness and I wonder if it's made him re-evaluate his life, to crave some change.


I feel like he'd perhaps become difficult with money. I get paid first each month and so pay all the bills. I feel like he could decide to then not give me what would normally be my half of his wages for my own purposes. (He's been difficult in the past and so I think I'm second guessing potential behaviour from him).


He's got no where he could go if I threw him out which is also why I think I back-off from confrontation. Although it's his problem it doesn't seem like he has the option of leaving. He's got no money to live anywhere else.


I'd like to feel bold about confronting him about this because of being angry and upset but I actually feel more worried that I won't cope having to divorce and co-parent. Overwhelmed I guess is the word if that's what it came to.

auntyrara

I agree with other posters about asking yourself what you really want and how you want your future to be.

If you decide that you will be happier without him then you need to leave.

But you don't need to confront him to do that. If you're afraid of him and think he'll turn things round on you and intimidate you into staying then don't do it that way.

Make a plan and start putting things in place that will help you leave. Contact womens aid for help and advice.

Look after yourself he sounds horrible

Money_maker

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4189139


One of your previous posts 'husband wants nothing to do with our 8 day old baby'. So sorry OP, I think you've had a tough time of things in the last few years.

pinkshoes

I would contact this woman and politely let her know that you were reading their FB chat and you were surprised to see your marriage was on the rocks and as good as over, when things were actually going quite well.

I would then apologise that she has been lied to and that you will be speaking to your husband about it.

Pack his bags and kick him out! Why are you still with this 'man'????

PeacefulWaters

Having been cheated on in almost exactly this way my initial reaction was to want to save my marriage. I contacted the other bloke's wife.

I then attended joint counselling with my wife, things improved and then, exactly six weeks after counselling had stopped, she stopped her contribution to those improvements. It took me nearly two years to end the marriage from this point as I sat around hoping things would improve. I eventually realised I'd spent 20 years waiting. It wasn't going to happen.

1. Think about what you really want. And why you really want it. And whether or not it's realistic. Take a couple of days if necessary. Get outside and walk while you think. Research "signs of emotional abuse" online and work out if you're a victim of that kind of relationship or whether he's just an unhappy man in a marriage that can be fixed. If you are being emotionally abused it won't change. Ever.

2. It sounds like the other woman has sussed him. She's not important. If it hadn't have been her it would have been somebody else. No need to contact her unless the contact recommenced. Even then, a polite note stating facts without emotion is all that's needed. And sometimes such a note could trigger some significant unintended consequences. People don't always react the way you anticipate.

3. Confront him. It doesn't have to be a moment of wild anger. Just hand him the piece of paper and calmly ask him for an explanation. You have complete control of this situation. Be prepared for lies though. In fact assume every word he utters from now on is a lie unless you can prove he's telling the truth.

4. Organise some individual counselling for you. It will help you find the confidence to deal with the situation and the future that is about to open up for you. Some big employers offer free counselling services. Alternatively half a dozen sessions at around £50 a time (Relate is one option but there are numerous others you can find locally) will help you become more confident, self aware and assertive.

5. If you really want to save this relationship, challenge your thinking. But then tell him you're going to organise joint counselling, he's going to attend the sessions, pay for the sessions and fully participate. If he has no interest in meeting these requirements still go through with your individual counselling and prepare to end the relationship.

Good luck. This is the start of a difficult journey to a much happier you. Your future is brighter. You just won't see it yet.

FBaby

I do love him (and as I mentioned, I want a normal family life), I hate confrontation and I think am also worried about being alone - which is silly as not everyone is in a relationship.

This is what you need to work on. As others have said, you are in denial and think that if you can make sure contact between them stop, the way your husband feel that made him to it in the first place will go away.

It's the other way around though. He clearly has issues, these impact on your marriage and that is what has led him to be in contact with her and wanting more. If she is smart enough to realise that she shouldn't go there (as she seems to be, good on her), then he will find someone else, if he hasn't done so yet.

I can you not feel rage at the fact that your husband has been pretending that everything is well between you and then write to someone that your marriage has long gone. He is only waiting for another escape route and the second he finds it, he'll get rid of you like an old boot.

You need to take control and be the one to make the decisions. He is treating you with the most appalling contempt and you are letting him. If you are scared of him, then involve someone else, friend or family, but don't let him treat you like this, no one deserves it.

Angry_Bear

Being in a somewhat similar situation to you I understand exactly the rollercoaster of emotions you are going through (https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5454119).

The first time I found out my ex-OH was sexting a woman on FB my instinct was to get in touch with her and tell her I knew and to go away. Then to quietly brush everything under the carpet and pretend nothing had happened. Of course, as it turned out there was more than one.

I confronted him and he said he was oh so sorry and would never do it again. I made the same excuses for him as you are making for your OH - mid-life crisis, a bit of depression, low self esteem etc. And I decided to forgive him.

2 years later we're in the process of splitting up because I've just caught him at it again. God knows how many there were in between that I didn't know about. Or how many he's tried to chat up that have rebuffed him.

It sounds as if your OH (much like mine) is the one doing the chasing, so there's no excuse of stumbled into it. He's been lying to her and you, so there's no question he knows it's wrong.

My advice would be to leave now, but I totally understand if you can't bring yourself to do that. If you decide to try again, please make sure you take some positive action so that fear of the future won't be affecting your decision if you catch him at it again. I meant things like strengthening your circle of friends, and just thinking about how you would live your life without him.

ETA: Oh yeah, and take screenshots of some of those messages before he deletes them so he can't just deny everything.

hollydays

You won't be the first person who stays with a partner out of fear of being on their own, but try and ask yourself, how much worse can it get? When you are out of this, you won't have all that stress any more.You need support op x

Can you realistically see any scenario where you will be happy and he will not be acting like a big baby every time he doesn't get his own way?

He's " trained" you to be afraid of confronting him.

Imagine, how much better you could feel if you weren't walking on eggshells ?

PinkPeach

Thanks so much for your comments everyone, it's really helpful to see how other people view the situation and what they would do.
I have decided that I do need to confront him directly and agree that showing him a print out of the comments and waiting for his reaction is an option. My question is what I should say when he asks why I've been snooping? After looking at his phone previously I said I would't do it again and clearly have.


In terms of leaving I'm worried about money/where I'd live to be honest. When we were going to split a while ago it looked like it would be hard for me to take on the mortgage alone. As I have a dog as well renting seems like it could be difficult. I guess I'm just putting obstacles in my own way and things like that would work themselves out.


Burying my head in the sand seems easier to be honest but I realise that I have my daughter to think of as well. He's not putting her first by messing about like this.