Confronting the 'other woman'

FBaby

For me a man telling another women that we had no marriage left would be such a betrayal of our marriage and our family life - I wouldn't see any point in counseling. There are mistakes which may be recoverable if our basic goals were the same - but there is a line beyond which there is no recovery (and I appreciate where that line falls is different for different people)

Same with me. I would rather be living struggling financially then staying with a man who is betraying behind my back.

However, the tone of OP's messages implies that she is more incline to try to work things out, so if she is going to go down that route, I think she needs to consider couple counselling rather than closing her eyes to everything and by doing so giving her husband the ok to do it again.

justme111

OP , there is no "other woman". It is just you phrasing it that way to distract yourself from the main issue - that the man you are with tells you and others point blank he does not feel you are viable as a couple.
Fbaby , he does not think it is working, he does not intend to make it work . He will not go any couple counceling and even if he does it will be pointless as he is going to twist and sabotage it and will drop it , your suggestion is about as realistic as suggesting walking for fitness to a person that has no legs.

FBaby

You can't be certain of that though. My suggestion of counselling is as an alternative to doing nothing at all and praying that all will be well and this incident all left behind.

In the end, if he doesn't think it will ever work, he has the option to go. He hasn't chosen it yet. Maybe it is because it is easier this way, maybe it is because of guilt, maybe because he is having his cake and eating it that way, but maybe, just maybe he believes there is still a chance to make it work, however small it is.

As said, I wouldn't be able to contemplate staying in such a relationship, even for that small chance, but I understand that different people have different needs.

toniq

Imo I think he has the grass is greener syndrome.

Try to find the strength to get through this, You will cope, it might not feel like it at first but you will cope.

It seems scary to try and rebuild a shattered life but once the initial shock is over and the "survival instinct" kicks in you will come on leaps and bounds.

Whatever happens remember you are the victim not him and what you do is for the best.

I shut the door literally on my ex 18 years ago and had 3 kids 3 and under on my own 200 miles away from any support network and after a very tearful week or two I slowly started to rebuild my life and it was the best thing ever.

My older children know what I did was to save them from hearing the arguments and being in a very unhappy home.( the situation was so bad I felt if ss got involved due to his drug taking I could have lost my children) I literally woke up and thought enough was enough it couldn't go on and the thought of the damage it was doing to my children spurred me on to think with my head and not my heart.

Now 18 years later married and settled it feels a different lifetime ago, never once did I regret it.

Good luck

x

bluelass

If he is doing this on facebook he could be on dating sites too.
Don't live with a cheating bully love. Thank god you seen this with your own eyes and kick his !!! in the long grass.
Im concerned about you and your daughter not him or the facebook buddy especially when you say he has a temper.
See a solicitor to prepare you if you decide its over and if he shows any aggression get away from him there and then.

LilElvis

bluelass wrote: »

If he is doing this on facebook he could be on dating sites too.
Don't live with a cheating bully love. Thank god you seen this with your own eyes and kick his !!! in the long grass.
Im concerned about you and your daughter not him or the facebook buddy especially when you say he has a temper.
See a solicitor to prepare you if you decide its over and if he shows any aggression get away from him there and then.

Instead of advising others how to deal with a cheating partner surely your attention is needed much closer to home, namely getting your love-rat stepson to man up and deal with the issues arising from his break-up.

beckysbobbles1

As harsh as this may sound but you clearly have a very unhealthy relationship.


You're scared of your husband, you don't trust him so you snoop - what is a relationship without trust?


It doesn't sound like the best relationship at all. Perhaps before you confront him you should consider what your 'ideal' outcome would be.


Being honest, you can't control how he feels so if he honestly feels like the relationship is over then you may have to accept that but it can't be a nice environment to currently live in.


I've been in a similar situation before, these people are bullies. They manipulate and control the situation. Personally I'd be running for the hills.

justme111

FBaby wrote: »

You can't be certain of that though. My suggestion of counselling is as an alternative to doing nothing at all and praying that all will be well and this incident all left behind.

In the end, if he doesn't think it will ever work, he has the option to go. He hasn't chosen it yet. Maybe it is because it is easier this way, maybe it is because of guilt, maybe because he is having his cake and eating it that way, but maybe, just maybe he believes there is still a chance to make it work, however small it is.

As said, I wouldn't be able to contemplate staying in such a relationship, even for that small chance, but I understand that different people have different needs.

I agree if a prerequisite is that she stays(as being realistic is likely to happen) than of course it is better to do something rather than nothing. She could do many things , depending on details of their life and circumstances - she could shift her vision of their cohabitation into "housemates " category which could help , pursue career change/development , get some hobbies , become fitness adept - whatever to change her perception of the world. Once that changed, she changed the world around her , partner inclusive would change. She could even do solo counceling. Couple counceling although theoretically possible would be far down in the list of possible actions due to the way their relationship appears from op's description

PinkPeach

Thanks for your comments. I feel frozen with fear at the moment and haven't been able to summon the courage to tell him it's over - despite the fact that we aren't speaking, which I can tell his annoying him. As he dropped me off for work today he threw his wedding ring out the car because we'd driven to work in silence. (After he drove off I did pick it up - may need to scrap the gold for cash at some point...) He's having a tantrum I think so I felt it best to let him get on with it as I know that he's going to be too difficult to talk to at the moment like this.
I did have a look at properties to rent online and am really hoping that I could take on the mortgage eventually as the cost of renting a 2 bed flat is shockingly more than the mortgage for my house. I think I need to try and remain calm about it (easier said than done) and go at my own pace in terms of sorting things out once we've had 'the chat'. He can be very impatient and I don't want to be rushed into making decisions about things that are overwhelming for me.
I agree with what others have said. I think that his heart is just not in it anymore, if he did love me and was actually in love with me, then he wouldn't be behaving this way. Someone suggested the dating sites as well, I would not be suprised at all if he's registered on them as well.
I've not contacted the ex girlfriend on FB although do feel bad that she was good enough to query with him about me and our marriage photos on his account, as he's probably still strining her along - having now changed his password! I've also got issue with this as despite the fact he thinks I'm invading his privacy, if he had nothing to hide surely this wouldln't be a problem.

warby68

Thanks for updating.

Understandably, you are still primarily thinking about him, his reaction, wondering whether you should talk, how to engage. I would say, don't bother. Leave him to it for now. You certainly don't need to tell him its over, he's already told you I'm afraid.

To me, everything he is doing (the ring throwing, facebook and probably more) are him continuing to behave badly to goad you into dealing the death blow.

If you can find it in you, don't do that as he will probably then turn it into you leaving him after he tried everything. Quietly concentrate on making plans, doing research and dealing with adjusting your own mindset to a different future.

Don't try and share the blame any more - of course you have invaded his privacy although it wasn't his privacy, it was his secret life.

Have you managed to tell a person in real life? I honestly think when you have, you will move on a bit from the frozen in time feeling, especially if they offer you some practical help.

I honestly think you are past counselling, second chances and all that - he wants out but can't make the break or hasn't lined his exit up yet. I think you can see it but haven't quite accepted it. Keep trying and take care.