Family will disown us if we get married abroad, thoughts?

honeypop

Imagine this as an OP: "My daughter didn't have the wedding I wanted, she got married in private because that was what they wanted (to a man I was pleased she was marrying), and tried to involve me in helping to plan the big ceremony and reception for the whole family. I'm never speaking to her again because she didn't do it the way I wanted, but did what she wanted, for her OWN wedding".
Sounds ridiculous, I know you're upset and hurt, but my goodness.

RADDERS wrote: »

She seemed to think that it would be OK to have a celebration later as the 'wedding' but just doesn't seem to understand that this isn't the same.

I originally thought she took you to see venues, discussed the planning etc, then announced they were already married and there would be no ceremony and reception after all. I could accept you felt conned. But if you mean that she was still planning a ceremony and reception for the whole family even though she told you they were already married, and nothing was withdrawn as such, then while I understand your hurt, I think saying you'd be happy with no contact with her ever again is harsh. Although the marriage had happened, the celebration part of it all, the ceremony and reception were still going ahead as planned.

As mentioned, there are many reasons they may have done it in private, I expect you've asked her (if you haven't then you definitely should as you'll never begin to understand otherwise) and we can only guess, but clearly that was important to her. You said you raised her to be independent, but cut her off at something that was her own choice... crazy.

I hope you are exaggerating when you say that you could gladly have nothing to do with her ever again, and the feeling fades. However the fact that you'd told her you'd never forgive something like this and her still doing it, is telling on it's own.

We can lose our loved ones forever in the blink of an eye, sudden accidents or illnesses etc, if she was taken tomorrow and you feel that you'd stand by your over-reaction then I feel sorry for you. I know you're hurt, but if my mum reacted like this, I'd be hurt by that too.

borkid

@andypandyboy In this case it seems more about blackmail 'if you don't.... then we will disown you' rather than 'that's a shame as we would really have liked to be there on such a happy occasion'. If it's blackmail then it's 'giving in' if it's 'a shame' then a compromise.

lizzy85

Talk it over with your OH regarding what his family said. Compromise again. Make sure both sides are ready for the sacrifices if you really want your dream wedding.

Lily-Rose_3

I can't believe that anyone's mother and sibling would actually DISOWN them for not doing their wedding the way THEY wanted it.

Sorry, but these sound like the most awful, passive aggressive, manipulative, repugnant people I have ever heard of.

They wouldn't need to wait for any wedding of mine to cut ties with me; they wouldn't get the chance. They would be disowned by me first.

I don't need - or want - these kind of toxic people in my life.

susancs

RADDERS wrote: »

I don't normally post personal things on here but I thought I would just give you my feelings from the other side - it may take a while.

My daughter met her boyfriend abroad where they both lived at the time, he has now moved to a better job and she was due to visit over Easter. He contacted us beforehand to ask if we had any problems with him asking our daughter to marry him, none at all we were both delighted.

So on the 2nd April our only child face times us with a huge grin on her face and showing us her engagement ring we were both over the moon. Announced on Facebook as everything is lol

She returns to her home after Easter and starts talking about what sort of wedding she wants, when it will be, where it will be etc. So she asks me and her dad if we would go and look at some venues for her and find out availability, please note she asked us. This we duly did as she did not want to get married locally and wanted everything to be at the same venue and as her 'fiance ' is from Ireland so we would need to ensure that there was enough accommodation for everyone. We found the venue that she had always wanted was available and provisionally booked it.

The next week we are FaceTimed by our daughter and the bombshell was dropped, actually whilst she was visiting at Easter not only did they get engaged but also married. To say we are devastated is an understatement I think it is more the lies as to have us running round looking when they had actually got married on the 31st March !! 2 days before the engagement fiasco.

I will be honest with you I had always told my daughter that this was the only thing I could never forgive, I love my daughter but at this moment in time I could gladly have nothing to do with her ever again.
We have spoken a couple of time but I am not sure we will ever be able to mend the bridges. We have one child our daughter we have encouraged her to live an independent life, she has been abroad for over 3 years and we were so happy for her to finally meet someone that she so obviously loved but I am not sure we will ever get over this betrayal.

I know some people will think that we are very selfish and I can live with that but I am so hurt and so is my husband. We have now decided that all we can do is get on with our lives and she has to live hers and we will see if time indeed does heal.

Radders I can understand you are hurt by the deception. A friend of mine did similar years ago, started arrranging a wedding and went off with his girlfriend for a weekend and came back married. His mother (and father) were always very close to him and would not have minded if they wanted to go off and get married on their own, but were hurt that it was not mentioned beforehand and they found out after some of the friends. I honestly don't think he realised how hurt they would feel. They did get over it and move on. Sadly he died suddenly of blood clot to his brain when he was in his 30s , but they were all friends at that time.

jetplane

Whatever the emotional reactions may be, the fact remains that you believe that your OH will lose the support of his family if you have the wedding that you want. You have said it is not an idle threat.

That is a big price to pay, you both enjoy their support now, living in their home, enabling you to save so they're not all bad. If he is your world and you don't want him to be estranged then you need to start talking.

Have you told your OH of his sisters comments? How does he feel?

Have you sat down with both families, expressed your wishes and considered their response? His little sister may be wrong, your future mother in law may support you. I don't envy his position stuck between two strong minded women, and is losing the support of one of them a price worth paying for him?

If you both believe that it is then don't let anyone stop you enjoying your dream day and holiday, no one wants to look back on their day with regrets but it is a moment in time on your life journey.

System

Personally i love the idea of eloping and getting married abroad, i have a rather complicated family situation, in theta if i got married over here, i;d be worried my bio dad would try and get involved against my wishes, getting married abroad avoids that particular complication, that said i kind of want my step dad to walk me down an aisle so i'm still divided.

If a wedding abroad, an intimate one, is what you want then i say to hell with anyone else and do it. Its your bog day. You can always celebrate with family when you get back

Kaye1

What about getting married on a beach in this country? There are some beautiful private coves in Cornwall, Devon etc?

That way you and OH would get the sand on your feet and 'in laws' could come if they wanted.

selement

I think this isn't a straightforward decision, it is you and your husbands day, yes.

But you are becoming 1 family, it is a pity to start your new life as a married couple with your family feeling disgruntled they couldn't be included, they only want to enjoy your day with you after all.

Does the location of the wedding really matter that much if it might make married life more difficult? The married life is afterall the more important bit.... I know you say your OH wants to go away too but i'm sure he doesnt want his family resenting him for not letting them share in his big day. Unless family relationships really don't matter to you both in which case carry on.

Hutchch0920

Just an update on this, my OH talked to his Mum the other day and explained that he wants to get married abroad and then come back and have a party and she said she would not come (!) She said it's not "traditional" and then started to go on about why are we even wanting to get married in the first place since we're going to end up getting divorced.

The woman beggars belief. I honestly can't fathom how she can talk so highly of family values when she does not practice them herself.