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Family will disown us if we get married abroad, thoughts?

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  • she said she would stop talking to us forever if she was not invited to the ceremony, and then she asked her Mum and her Mum said the same. She said that it is not the done thing in her family.

    Well, you could always have your ceremony abroad, as planned and invite them! If their reaction is a positive one then it's all good.

    However, if they start kicking off about it then you could reasonably assume that the real reason behind their outrage is because they are being denied the chance to show off in front of distant relatives. If you have young children in the family, be prepared for the old "But little Sneauflayke-Nevaeh wants to be a bridesmaid..." line. Don't be guilt tripped.

    What does OH think about all this? Is he prepared to defy the matriarch?
  • Peter333
    Peter333 Posts: 2,035 Forumite
    Well, you could always have your ceremony abroad, as planned and invite them! If their reaction is a positive one then it's all good.

    However, if they start kicking off about it then you could reasonably assume that the real reason behind their outrage is because they are being denied the chance to show off in front of distant relatives. If you have young children in the family, be prepared for the old "But little Sneauflayke-Nevaeh wants to be a bridesmaid..." line. Don't be guilt tripped.

    What does OH think about all this? Is he prepared to defy the matriarch?

    :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Sneauflayke Nevaeh! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
    You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
  • Thanks all for the replies, I have enjoyed reading your various thoughts.

    OH is of the attitude that we should do what we want and if they stop talking to us because we decided to get married the way that we wanted then that is their loss.

    My Mum says I should do whatever makes me happy, if I want to get married abroad by myself that is my choice and she's fine with that, my sisters were the same.

    I feel like if we invite OH's Mum and sister we're at big risk of a scene. Just as an example of what she's like, she'll happily make inappropriate jokes about her husband having a mistress in front of her children and guests over dinner - most uncomfortable dinner topics ever! I asked him what he'd do if that happened and he said he'd ask her to leave if she was making a scene but for me the day would already be kinda ruined. We discussed whether we could get married under the stars or say our vows the night before just the two of us and then have a ceremony the next day in front of everyone else, we both liked this idea so perhaps we could oft for something intimate, followed by something small - all abroad.

    The other part of me doesn't want to spend lots on a wedding because I don't see it as a good use of money. I think we'd both rather spend an extra £5-10k travelling around the world together than having a big do.
    Save £12k in 2017 / Dec 2017 Travel Cash = £12,400 / £14,000 88.5%[/COLOR]

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  • mum2one
    mum2one Posts: 16,279 Forumite
    Xmas Saver!
    This is what my cousin did..

    Her and hubby 2 be - got married abroad - them and 2 witnesses

    About 1 mth later - had a church blessing - then the full wedding breakfast etc

    Maybe - a meet in the middle - have a civil ceremony / blessing - big evening party x
    xx rip dad... we had our ups and downs but we’re always be family xx
  • spirit
    spirit Posts: 2,886 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Mortgage-free Glee!
    You must do what you want to do, it's your wedding not anyone else.s.

    My daughter is getting married the week after next in Florida. Close family + a best man are flying over next week.

    Then when we all get back, there is a party for all those who are not going to the wedding. My DD is wearing her wedding dress to that so that people still get to see it.

    So another vote for go ahead and book it!
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee. :j
  • burnoutbabe
    burnoutbabe Posts: 1,338 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    well if you have it abroad and say "you can come" you are putting a big cost burden on them unless you pay for them to attend?
  • jetplane
    jetplane Posts: 1,615 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    My thoughts;
    Are there cultural or religious reasons why his mother behaves this way? Your original post said that (i) your OH had imagined his family and friends would be at his wedding and (ii) that you do not doubt that his family will disown him if you marry without them.

    That is some compromise for him to make, and reading your post I'm unclear as to the compromise or sacrifice on your part?

    I'm not suggesting you simply bow to her wishes, but if he is your world do you really want him to lose his family?
    The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko
  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Hmm, he originally wanted his family there but agreed not to as you didn't want to.

    Is his sister upset because she feels you are stopping her brother having the family wedding that she knows he would want?
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,765 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!

    Having talked through our wishes my OH imagined family and friends there and I would love it to be just us, and our witnesses. He is my world and that is all I would want to concentrate on while we are there. So between us we came to an agreement that we would have the ceremony abroad with perhaps a few close friends in attendance, if anyone, and then have a party when we get back.
    TBH, I'd disown my brother if he expected me to spend a fortune attending his wedding across the other side of the world. :rotfl:

    But seriously, from what you've said about your future MIL and your relationship with her, where to get married and who to invite is goling to be the least of your worries.
  • moneyistooshorttomention
    moneyistooshorttomention Posts: 17,940 Forumite
    edited 29 April 2016 at 8:41AM
    Flugelhorn wrote: »
    Family will disown us if we get married abroad, thoughts?

    They don't own you, you are individuals, so they can't disown you.
    They can be a pain, sulk, keep you out of the loop, not invite you to things etc etc .

    Errrrm....all that of course. They could, however, mean "disinherit" and hubbie doesnt inherit anything of what he is currently due to inherit in years to come. Gawdknows there is always the risk of the government grabbing any potential inheritance anyway at some point - via care home fees if it came to it - and he'd have done all that to keep them happy only to find the money had gone into the Government's coffers in effect anyway.

    However - I'd ignore even that in your position and do what we personally wanted regardless and the family could either live with it or "disown" us and that would be their choice/their loss.

    It's your lives = your way.

    If they got away with making that major decision for you both - then that would rather set the scene for them to try laying down the law in other respects as well and your lives just wouldnt be your own. Next thing you know would be them trying to dictate which house to buy/what to do re having children (whether to/when to)/etc.
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