Family will disown us if we get married abroad, thoughts?

Hutchch0920

Person_one wrote: »

I know this isn't what you asked for advice on, but I think you should move out.

I presume you're living with your MIL to save money? I can't imagine any other reason! It seems quite hypocritical, not to mention stressful for all involved, given your feelings towards each other.

What is hypocritical?

On a day to day basis the general atmosphere is amicable.

We will move out, in January or so. OH doesn't earn anywhere near enough to get a deposit together. Me living with his parents means that I can save on his behalf - I can't do this if I move out = no house for him.

She wants the best for him at the end of the day, she knows he can't afford one by himself (he can't even afford to move out) so it's a sacrifice we both make for him.

Person_one

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

What is hypocritical?

On a day to day basis the general atmosphere is amicable.

We will move out, in January or so. OH doesn't earn anywhere near enough to get a deposit together. Me living with his parents means that I can save on his behalf - I can't do this if I move out = no house for him.

She wants the best for him at the end of the day, she knows he can't afford one by himself (he can't even afford to move out) so it's a sacrifice we both make for him.

Its a bit hypocritical to live in this woman's house for your own financial gain when you seem to actively detest her!

Hutchch0920

Person_one wrote: »

Its a bit hypocritical to live in this woman's house for your own financial gain when you seem to actively detest her!

You are reading between the lines and you are wrong.

In this thread I have highlighted where we disagree, and that she doesn't like me. I have never said anything about me detesting her.

I'd perhaps understand you more if I was frittering the money away on an extravagant lifestyle every month but every penny I "gain" by living there is saved for a deposit for a house for both of us, which is something that would be entirely out of reach for my OH by himself.

Pollycat

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

I didn't say she was wrong for her choice, just that we'd move away because of it. Our parents live about 200 miles apart....seems sensible to be close to the set that would want to spend time with their grandchildren no? And she does, she has two, but she doesn't get to see them often.

Moving is great if you're both in the type of job that has lots of vacancies in the area.
And if you're moving to a cheaper area for housing - even better.
But if not.....

I may have got the wrong impression from your posts, but it does sound to me that it's you calling all the shots in the relationship.

Robisere

Haven't read all the posts here (life too short, etc...) but maybe my two penn'orth helps.

28 years ago I married the marvellous woman who rescued my life from a downward spiral, both of us on a second chance. My parents and senior brother had both recently passed away within the preceding 18 months and I had one older brother left, with several kids, my nephews and nieces.

We had decided that we could not afford to marry, although we had already applied for a licence and the Registry office had given us a date. A few days before the date, we were with our circle of very good friends and they asked why we were not tying the knot. Immediately, we were knee deep in volunteers. One brewed beer and wine, one was a caterer who volunteered food and more drink, several more offered all kinds of help. It was all back on again and I realised what great friends we had, but family was a different matter. On being told about all this, my 4 nephews were immediately supportive, but my brother, SIL and 5 nieces all refused to come unles they could have a hand in the food, etc. I knew what they were like: they would take over and I was not having it, they are all very close and they rule their husbands and kids. So I politely told them they can come to the Registry office and the party afterwards at our house, but I did not need their catering input as our friends had already volunteered. TBH, I have endured the results of teir "catering" efforts before, it was not pleasant. They also make certain that everyone is aware that "We did all that you know."

The result was that they all threw a wobbler and refused to have anything to do with us. The wedding went ahead with our 2 best friends as witnesses and all our other mates there, with my wife's parents and her 2 grown children, who have called me 'dad' since that day. The party was fantastic, all the booze and food was gone by 3 am and I was ushering people out of the door at 3:30 am, whilst others were laughingly trying to get back in via the windows!

We still have those great mates, but only in the last 3 years has my brother and his family spoken to us. It helped that we moved away to another county in 2000, but we made no big deal of it: we just showed dignity by not responding to nasty phone calls, etc. In the end it took the deaths of 3 of the nephews to bring us back together. We are glad, though, that we are far enough away that they cannot physically intervene in our lives.

So I say, get on with your wedding as you want to have it. This is your marriage, not theirs and these are your lives and the lives of those in your family that you love. If the rest don't like that, it's their loss.

Hutchch0920

Pollycat wrote: »

Moving is great if you're both in the type of job that has lots of vacancies in the area.
And if you're moving to a cheaper area for housing - even better.
But if not.....

I may have got the wrong impression from your posts, but it does sound to me that it's you calling all the shots in the relationship.

We'd be going for SE to Midlands so housing is much more in our price range.

OH would pick work up easily, there's a fair bit in my area too.

I can appreciate why it sounds like that, as it is only me posting, although I did read all of last night's comments back to him. I am absolutely on board with it being a joint decision, he's just more laid back than me and I am quite head strong but at the end of the day if he's unhappy with our decision then that is not a good outcome for either of us.

Georgiegirl256

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

In this thread I have highlighted where we disagree, and that she doesn't like me. I have never said anything about me detesting her.
.

Well let the poor lad have his Mum at the wedding if that's what he wants.

peachyprice

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

As for religious/cultural. She's Portuguese

Ah, that explains talking about her husband's mistress at the dinner table. It's pretty normal in Portugal, a fact of life that men have mistresses.

I remember when my FIL died, the mistress came to the funeral but stood apart from the family, they all knew who she was and why she was there.

borkid

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

I feel like if we invite OH's Mum and sister we're at big risk of a scene.

I would be concerned about her in the future. If she got her own way now would she want to control you later on. ' You can't possibly live there too far away' or' but you must have little x christened'. Personally I'd say don't give into to emotional blackmail, give in once and it'll be difficult to stop.

Andypandyboy

Why is it always about "giving in" rather than "compromising?" Surely, at the start of a marriage which, like it or not, comes with in laws on both sides, it is better try at least attempt to include everyone and take account of some of their feelings?