Family will disown us if we get married abroad, thoughts?

DigForVictory

On current count your MIL & SIL to be are against. That's two Wills to rewrite which they might be able to afford if not spent on Wedding Hats.
Some kind of show off shindig (with MIL as hostess?) may be prudent but if money is going to be an issue, be united & clear.
Then deal with the cr*p that scatters.

Hoping you have a wonderful wedding & manage to keep some of the peace!

greensalad

They're not your family if they're willing to disown you.

thebigbosh

I was quite keen on marrying with my feet in the sand and getting abroad seemed like a good option for keeping numbers low and reducing our costs. However, the more we looked into it, the more bureaucratic the process seemed (translations, documentation, etc.) I'd suggest a high percentage of people that get married abroad actually only do a symbolic ceremony and then have the registry service at home.

In the end, we got married on the south coast in the UK in a registry office, had champagne on the beach aftewards, and then went for an amazing meal. And we kept numbers low - there were only 20 of us.
We then threw a big party for friends the following weekend and even had a mock up, tongue in cheek ceremony.

OP: good luck with whatever you decide. Weddings are emotional times for all involved, but in the end do what you both feel best with. And make sure you are able to look back on it with happy memories as, if you do, you'll together be telling your family, kids and grandkids about it for years to come.

Georgiegirl256

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

Having talked through our wishes my OH imagined family and friends there and I would love it to be just us, and our witnesses. He is my world and that is all I would want to concentrate on while we are there. So between us we came to an agreement that we would have the ceremony abroad with perhaps a few close friends in attendance, if anyone, and then have a party when we get back.
. ?

If you can have a ceremony with just a few close friends in attendance, then why can't you just invite a few close family members too?

I'm all for people having the wedding that they want, after all, it's the bride and grooms day not anyone else's. However, it very much seems to me from the OP that your feelings over-ride your OH's, and your dislike of his Mum shines through. If your OH wants at least his Mum there, then I think it's very churlish of you not to let her come.

You say you have made your compromises together, but is it really what your OH wants too? Is he really happy with what's being suggested?

Andypandyboy

I would be upset if any of my kids got married without us being there. I wouldn't "disown" them but I wouldn't be happy at all. A huge wedding is not necessary but I do think it is nice to include immediate family wherever the ceremeony takes place.

OP you are asking your OH to choose between your wishes and his family. You said he initially wanted them there, but it appears he has deferred to you. I really don't think that is very fair of you.

Hutchch0920

Pollycat wrote: »

Reading the above, I think my second comment in my uoted post above is even more apt.
There is clearly no affection between you.

On the subect of providing care for grandchildren, I'm not sure why some parents actually expect this.

I think it is only because my Mum has expressed her wishes in wanting to be involved and her hope that she retires in time to be of help whereas OH Mum says she doesn't.

You're right, there is no love lost.

oystercatcher

OP, as you live with your MIL why can't you just sit down and discuss together what you would like? It's your wedding but it also a family event. I would be so disappointed not to be included in the planning of any of my adult children's marriages.

If MIL is part of the discussion then maybe she will understand what you do and don't want and why and maybe you will be able to listen and find out what is important to her and then maybe find a compromise that would be acceptable, small wedding abroad and a blessing near home for example, or a small party of family to travel and see you married.
It just seems such a shame to cause seething resentment over what should be such a happy and positive event.
If MIL shows signs of not listening and trying to 'control' then maybe if you very carefully and not 'in temper' tell her how much her attitude is upsetting you she will try and change, if not then at least you know you have tried and failed and any 'disownments' is purely down to one party only !

RADDERS sad story just shows how horribly wrong things can go, a complete lack of communication and a pack of lies will now leave a lifetime of distrust between the family which I doubt will ever be fully resolved. I would hate to have feelings like this amongst my family.

Andypandyboy

RADDERS wrote: »

I don't normally post personal things on here but I thought I would just give you my feelings from the other side - it may take a while.

My daughter met her boyfriend abroad where they both lived at the time, he has now moved to a better job and she was due to visit over Easter. He contacted us beforehand to ask if we had any problems with him asking our daughter to marry him, none at all we were both delighted.

So on the 2nd April our only child face times us with a huge grin on her face and showing us her engagement ring we were both over the moon. Announced on Facebook as everything is lol

She returns to her home after Easter and starts talking about what sort of wedding she wants, when it will be, where it will be etc. So she asks me and her dad if we would go and look at some venues for her and find out availability, please note she asked us. This we duly did as she did not want to get married locally and wanted everything to be at the same venue and as her 'fiance ' is from Ireland so we would need to ensure that there was enough accommodation for everyone. We found the venue that she had always wanted was available and provisionally booked it.

The next week we are FaceTimed by our daughter and the bombshell was dropped, actually whilst she was visiting at Easter not only did they get engaged but also married. To say we are devastated is an understatement I think it is more the lies as to have us running round looking when they had actually got married on the 31st March !! 2 days before the engagement fiasco.

I will be honest with you I had always told my daughter that this was the only thing I could never forgive, I love my daughter but at this moment in time I could gladly have nothing to do with her ever again.
We have spoken a couple of time but I am not sure we will ever be able to mend the bridges. We have one child our daughter we have encouraged her to live an independent life, she has been abroad for over 3 years and we were so happy for her to finally meet someone that she so obviously loved but I am not sure we will ever get over this betrayal.

I know some people will think that we are very selfish and I can live with that but I am so hurt and so is my husband. We have now decided that all we can do is get on with our lives and she has to live hers and we will see if time indeed does heal.

How very hurtful for you both. I imagine you have gone over the scenario many times and asked yourself how it could have happened the way it did?

Did your daughter have any explanation for the deception? Or for why, at that point, she asked you to look at venues?

My parents had some friends who had an only child, a daughter and a similar thing happened to them. They had set a date for a small wedding and were really looking forward to it, then one day out of the blue, a few weeks before the due date, they turned up already married. I remember arriving home one night and the mother was there, sobbing to my mother. They had been in constant phone contact mentioning wedding plans and all the while, or for some time at least, they had known it was a sham. It caused enormous upset and hurt.

I hope you can move past it. Is your daughter apologetic or does she not "get" why it is so important to you?

Nicki

oystercatcher wrote: »

RADDERS sad story just shows how horribly wrong things can go, a complete lack of communication and a pack of lies will now leave a lifetime of distrust between the family which I doubt will ever be fully resolved. I would hate to have feelings like this amongst my family.

I think Radders hurt does shine through and I can understand why she feels the way she does, but I also think that comments like this one about the daughter she loves will not bring her any comfort and will just entrench positions.

I don't know in the shock and disappointment whether there was a chance to discuss with the daughter what happened and why. My guess would be that the daughter at Easter was asking her parents to help choose the venue for the family "wedding" celebration not the actual marriage itself, and perhaps at that point the plan was to arrange a blessing and only announce to everyone on the day that they were already married, but that the daughter couldn't keep that secret from her parents when it came to it because she knew they would be hurt to find out alongside the other wedding guests.

As to why they got married on their own, who knows? Maybe it was an impulsive spur of the moment decision. Maybe there was something about the laws of the country the fianc! is living in which made it important to have the legal protection of a marriage. Maybe they were buying property together and wanted both sides to have the protection marriage brings. Maybe the fianc! has crippling social anxiety and couldn't make his vows in front of a large audience. There are lots of reasons which don't include a deliberate desire to exclude or hurt family.

I do hope in time Radders you can get past this. It wouldn't hurt as badly if you didn't love your daughter a lot, and in that case it would be very sad to lose her over this. I don't think you are at fault here at all and I do understand that you were hurt by this but forgiveness might bring you more peace than holding onto the hurt. How will you feel when grandchildren come along if you are still estranged?

System

The next week we are FaceTimed by our daughter and the bombshell was dropped, actually whilst she was visiting at Easter not only did they get engaged but also married. To say we are devastated is an understatement I think it is more the lies as to have us running round looking when they had actually got married on the 31st March !! 2 days before the engagement fiasco.

I'd have been hurt and mad at the lies and deception too if its any consolation.

Only time will tell whether you can forgive her and move on.