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Family will disown us if we get married abroad, thoughts?
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I know of a couple who "married" abroad - all their guests (about 40 of them) flew out at their own considerable cost to attend the beach ceremony, which caused a lot of issues amongst the family many of whom felt they were forced into attending by family pressure.
What the couple knew at the time (but didn't tell anyone) was that the ceremony they had planned and went through wasn't actually a legal marriage in the particular country. So when they returned they had to go to the register office and get married officially with a couple of random witnesses .... the family still don't know about that.0 -
Hutchch0920 wrote: »
As for religious/cultural. She's Portuguese and she has strong opinions on the role of the woman and the role of the man. She thinks I should do all of OH's cleaning and cooking and he should not lift a finger. I am firmly in the camp that it should be split evenly if both are working, but OH is at home a lot during the day because of his shift pattern, while I am rarely home until 10.30pm having left at 7.45am. It makes sense for him to cook and clean for us (and he himself is fine with that arrangement too) if he's at home rather than me doing it at 11pm! But she's having none of it and since we live under her roof that's the way it is.
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Put like that - it's just as well to get him out from under her influence asap. She's clearly likely to be a very bad influence on him - so the sooner you "do your own thing" re the wedding and move out from under her roof the better.0 -
I don't normally post but felt I had to on this occasion.
OH and I have been together for 8 years and engaged for 4.5. We get married in two weeks time.
Straight away we both said we wanted to get married aboard. I wanted it to be just us (and our two daughters) but he felt that he would really like family to be there.
So althogether, 10 of us are flying out next week.
We're having a party at home for everyone else in July.
Our wedding was an open invite but he have chosen an expensive location so only close family are coming.
I couldn't give a stuff if people feel they weren't invited or that we haven't had a big wedding here for everyone to enjoy. We've done what we've wanted to do and paid for it ourselves.
Good luck to you OP X0 -
Me and OH thought about just the two of us going to the register office, getting 2 witnesses off the street and getting married. Neither of us wanted a big wedding and the only important thing for both of us, was the actual ceremony.
Then I thought about my parents being upset. They would have accepted it I have no doubt as they have always said "it's your life, you should do what makes you happy" but I am the eldest and was the first to get married so I knew they would like to be there.
So we decided it would be just us and immediate family i.e. parents and brothers and sisters. Register office and then to a restaurant for a nice meal. Oh and we wanted to get married on my birthday which was a weekday.
My parents were fine with that. OH's mum was not. Firstly she refused totally to even think about taking the day off work to come to our wedding. She didn't have an important job and OH is her only son but, no, she wasn't going to take a day off. Other couples got married on a Saturday so why couldn't we be normal and do the same?
She also had a massive meltdown over the fact that we were only going to invite immediate family, were only going to have a friend (one of our witnesses) take photos and no evening reception just a meal at midday (we got married in the morning).
She said we had to invite uncles, aunts, cousins etc because they would be upset if not. Also we should have a reception and that her and father in law would pay for it.
I was, obviously, much younger then (25), shy and not good at standing up for myself. OH was happy to do whatever I wanted even if it meant upsetting his mum.
Anyway I backed down. We got married on the Saturday after my birthday, had a proper photographer and an evening reception with a buffet, disco etc. The only thing I stuck to my guns about was the only immediate family came to the register office.
As we came out of the register office mother in law turned to us and said "I'll give it a year if you're lucky"!
This year we have been married 36 years and are very happy and still in love. I still regret backing down though. We no longer have contact with OH's mum because of all the hassle and trouble she has caused.
Every year on my birthday I think it should also be our wedding anniversary. If I could go back in time it would be to tell OH's mum that we were getting married on my birthday and if she wouldn't take a day off then she wouldn't be coming.
Don't let OH's family dictate about your wedding. It's your day and whatever you do I am sure they will get over their annoyance.The world is over 4 billion years old and yet you somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie0 -
Hutchch0920 wrote: »I think it is only because my Mum has expressed her wishes in wanting to be involved and her hope that she retires in time to be of help whereas OH Mum says she doesn't.
You're right, there is no love lost.
Just because one person does want to do it doesn't mean the person who doesn't is wrong.
Does your Mum already have any grand-children?
The sister of a friend of mine got annoyed because her parents didn't want to do as much baby-sitting as her friends' parents did.
My friend calmly pointed out that their parents were a good 20 years older than the sister's friends' parents in fact had a great-grandchild older than the sister's child i.e their grand-child.
Friend's sister was 'the baby' of the family and had also had her children late in life.0 -
But it's individual choice whether to spend your time looking after grandchildren.
Just because one person does want to do it doesn't mean the person who doesn't is wrong.
Does your Mum already have any grand-children?
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Noone has ever played childcare with my children.. I grudgingly have my grandson one afternoon a week.. I don't want to but supporting my daughter in her education is important and it is only a couple of hours.
My mother would rather chew off her own limbs than look after grandchildren, my ex's mother doesnt even know who they are and OH's mother lives too far away and is much older.
Grand-parents vary hugely.. but I would never just expect them to want to play childcare .. my mother wasn't overly fussed with looking after her own children, she certainly didnt want anyone elses. lolLB moment 10/06 Debt Free date 6/6/14Hope to be debt free until the day I dieMortgage-free Wannabee (05/08/30)6/6/14 £72,454.65 (5.65% int.)08/12/2023 £33602.00 (4.81% int.)0 -
My best friend's daughter got married whilst in America visiting her fianc!. They did give very short notice to their parents but it was quite a spur of the moment thing and neither family could jet over there.
Instead, 6 months later during a stay in England, they renewed their vows and a had a small wedding party.
Would this be something you'd consider? A private beach wedding as you both want then a registry office renewal of vows?0 -
Another option would be for you and your fiance to have your own private ceremony, (perhaps even with you won vows) when and where you want, andto have s registry office wedding in the UK on your return, to which you can invite close family.
That way, you and he get a special day where you can make importnat promises to one another on a beach as you wish, with no distructions, you can then do the fomal legal bit and let immediate family witness it. (and also avoid all the faff of getting affidavits and translations etc!)
While your future MIL does sound very dificult, I think that most parents and siblings would want to be at their child / siblings wedding and while I don't recommend gicing in and letting her run the show, I do think that looking for a compromise which gives you the important bits of what you want, and maintains a relationship with your OHs family, is a good idea if you can manage it.
If you pick ypur location, you might even be able to have a privae exchange of vows on a beach at dawn, and then have a public ceremony later the same day. IIRC you can't get married on the beach in this country as licences are only granted for permanent structures, but I am sure you could find somewhere close to a beach which was licenced for weddings.
And of course, in the mean time, sit down with you OH and discuss the options with you. It sounds as though he would like to have his family invovled in some way, so maybe try to think up options which let you and him both have what you want, regalrdless of whether some of that includes things his mum may thik are her idea!All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)0 -
I know this isn't what you asked for advice on, but I think you should move out.
I presume you're living with your MIL to save money? I can't imagine any other reason! It seems quite hypocritical, not to mention stressful for all involved, given your feelings towards each other.0 -
Thank you everyone for your contributions! Just quickly....But it's individual choice whether to spend your time looking after grandchildren.
Just because one person does want to do it doesn't mean the person who doesn't is wrong. Does your Mum already have any grand-children?
I didn't say she was wrong for her choice, just that we'd move away because of it. Our parents live about 200 miles apart....seems sensible to be close to the set that would want to spend time with their grandchildren no? And she does, she has two, but she doesn't get to see them often.
@TBagpuss We did discuss that earlier, exchanging vows in the evening and having dinner just us, and then having a wedding breakfast the following morning/lunch < all abroad. Or have our just us (legal) ceremony and another when we get back, including a more informal repeat/renew of our vows and a party.
@his missus I am looking into all options at the moment so will certainly consider beach ceremony then a renewal.
@catkins Your MIL sounds like a nightmare! Glad to hear it turned out so well! :-D
@xxlouisexx56 Thank you for sharing :-)
@oystercatcher Sitting down and talking to her nearer the time we decide is a good idea. Part of the problem though is we are likely to be abroad. Our original idea was to be quite spontaneous and get married when we found a place we liked on our RTW trip, so no real ability to cater to her wants....that said it's not like OH or I have talked to her about it so perhaps she did feel like she'd get a say and we need to manage expectations about what is practical and if we can compromise.Save £12k in 2017 / Dec 2017 Travel Cash = £12,400 / £14,000 88.5%[/COLOR]
House Deposit = £20,500 / £18,000:money:0
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