Family will disown us if we get married abroad, thoughts?

System

My daughter wanted to get married abroad but didn't because she knew a lot of the people she wanted there wouldn't be able to come. She said the people were more important than the place.

You've just got to figure out what's more important to you and stick it out.

My Mother married my Stepfather in South Africa. Yes it hurt at the time but her happiness was more important than my feelings.

Hutchch0920

@Pollycat We wouldn't 'expect' anyone to attend, that would be totally their prerogative. We live with MIL at the moment, perhaps my complete disinterest in catering for her on our day is born out of how much she already puts on me to conform to her way and maybe I'll soften when we move out. She has already stated she's not interested in helping bring up her future grandkids (she already has 5) so we plan to move away from the area, so she'll have no say in the future.

@Person_One little sister said it was "disrespectful" to have a wedding and not invite family. I pressed her on it but she couldn't really explain why any further than that. She said "he wants a big wedding" I asked OH and he said no he doesn't. And I had asked him previously about it too and the answer was the same.

@Jetplane A great question, what is my sacrifice? Something I think I need to think about. We've been discussing other compromises like saying our vows just with the minister and witnesses and then having a celebratory breakfast the following day with guests. OH likes this idea.

As for religious/cultural. She's Portuguese and she has strong opinions on the role of the woman and the role of the man. She thinks I should do all of OH's cleaning and cooking and he should not lift a finger. I am firmly in the camp that it should be split evenly if both are working, but OH is at home a lot during the day because of his shift pattern, while I am rarely home until 10.30pm having left at 7.45am. It makes sense for him to cook and clean for us (and he himself is fine with that arrangement too) if he's at home rather than me doing it at 11pm! But she's having none of it and since we live under her roof that's the way it is.

I also protest on her traditional views considering she couldn't even stick to them herself. Children by two different fathers, didn't marry until after the last one was born...I personally don't see anything wrong with doing it that way round but that to me is definitely not traditional so I feel like she's being a hypocrite.

@burntoutbabe a cost burden on them is fine by me, I think they'd be able to cover it.

@Mum2One I like the way your cousin did it. We'll talk through that as an option too.

RADDERS

I don't normally post personal things on here but I thought I would just give you my feelings from the other side - it may take a while.

My daughter met her boyfriend abroad where they both lived at the time, he has now moved to a better job and she was due to visit over Easter. He contacted us beforehand to ask if we had any problems with him asking our daughter to marry him, none at all we were both delighted.

So on the 2nd April our only child face times us with a huge grin on her face and showing us her engagement ring we were both over the moon. Announced on Facebook as everything is lol

She returns to her home after Easter and starts talking about what sort of wedding she wants, when it will be, where it will be etc. So she asks me and her dad if we would go and look at some venues for her and find out availability, please note she asked us. This we duly did as she did not want to get married locally and wanted everything to be at the same venue and as her 'fiance ' is from Ireland so we would need to ensure that there was enough accommodation for everyone. We found the venue that she had always wanted was available and provisionally booked it.

The next week we are FaceTimed by our daughter and the bombshell was dropped, actually whilst she was visiting at Easter not only did they get engaged but also married. To say we are devastated is an understatement I think it is more the lies as to have us running round looking when they had actually got married on the 31st March !! 2 days before the engagement fiasco.

I will be honest with you I had always told my daughter that this was the only thing I could never forgive, I love my daughter but at this moment in time I could gladly have nothing to do with her ever again.
We have spoken a couple of time but I am not sure we will ever be able to mend the bridges. We have one child our daughter we have encouraged her to live an independent life, she has been abroad for over 3 years and we were so happy for her to finally meet someone that she so obviously loved but I am not sure we will ever get over this betrayal.

I know some people will think that we are very selfish and I can live with that but I am so hurt and so is my husband. We have now decided that all we can do is get on with our lives and she has to live hers and we will see if time indeed does heal.

Pollycat

RADDERS wrote: »

I don't normally post personal things on here but I thought I would just give you my feelings from the other side - it may take a while.

My daughter met her boyfriend abroad where they both lived at the time, he has now moved to a better job and she was due to visit over Easter. He contacted us beforehand to ask if we had any problems with him asking our daughter to marry him, none at all we were both delighted.

So on the 2nd April our only child face times us with a huge grin on her face and showing us her engagement ring we were both over the moon. Announced on Facebook as everything is lol

She returns to her home after Easter and starts talking about what sort of wedding she wants, when it will be, where it will be etc. So she asks me and her dad if we would go and look at some venues for her and find out availability, please note she asked us. This we duly did as she did not want to get married locally and wanted everything to be at the same venue and as her 'fianc!e ' is from Ireland so we would need to ensure that there was enough accommodation for everyone. We found the venue that she had always wanted was available and provisionally booked it.

The next week we are FaceTimed by our daughter and the bombshell was dropped, actually whilst she was visiting at Easter not only did they get engaged but also married. To say we are devastated is an understatement I think it is more the lies as to have us running round looking when they had actually got married on the 31st March !! 2 days before the engagement fiasco.

I will be honest with you I had always told my daughter that this was the only thing I could never forgive, I love my daughter but at this moment in time I could gladly have nothing to do with her ever again.
We have spoken a couple of time but I am not sure we will ever be able to mend the bridges. We have one child our daughter we have encouraged her to live an independent life, she has been abroad for over 3 years and we were so happy for her to finally meet someone that she so obviously loved but I am not sure we will ever get over this betrayal.

I know some people will think that we are very selfish and I can live with that but I am so hurt and so is my husband. We have now decided that all we can do is get on with our lives and she has to live hers and we will see if time indeed does heal.

What a duplicitous little b i t c h!

Has she given any excuse why she didn't tell you she was already married?
Has she explained why she had you looking at venues for a wedding that had already taken place?

pigpen

Radders my brother went off and got married without telling anyone too and his dad was devastated.. he has never forgiven him but they have moved on.. I have made it quite clear if I marry I am just trotting off and doing it without telling anyone and it is my decision.. so it isnt utterly shocking to them. She was nasty getting your hopes and dreams up like that and then shattering them.. that lie would be more of a betrayal than her getting married in secret. I hope you can move on from this you would miss out on so much if you didnt xx

Hutchch0920

Radders, thanks for your contribution. If she had told you beforehand that they were going to get married but do it by themselves and not have you running around looking for venues they didn't need, would you have felt differently about it? I can completely understand why you would feel hurt having been lied to about it. Or was it that you could not forgive her for marrying without your presence?

GBNI

Oh Radders How absolutely awful for you. I wouldn't call you selfish for being upset, I can see how the deceit has hurt you so much.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

OP: when you marry this man you are inviting his mother into your life forever, so best to choose your battles wisely. There are worse crimes than saying something inappropriate at dinner!

If you're living under her roof (rent free?) then yes you live by her house rules.

It seems weddings never please everyone, so be open about your choices and reasons and be prepared to compromise in some areas for long term family peace.

Pollycat

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

@Pollycat We wouldn't 'expect' anyone to attend, that would be totally their prerogative.

The smiley in my post should have given you an idea that my comment was tongue-in-cheek (although from reading threads on here it seems that a lot brides & grooms do expect family & friends to dig deep to give them the wedding they desire in far-off lands) but if it didn't the words 'But seriously' should have.

Pollycat wrote: »

TBH, I'd disown my brother if he expected me to spend a fortune attending his wedding across the other side of the world. :rotfl:

But seriously, from what you've said about your future MIL and your relationship with her, where to get married and who to invite is goling to be the least of your worries.

Hutchch0920 wrote: »

We live with MIL at the moment, perhaps my complete disinterest in catering for her on our day is born out of how much she already puts on me to conform to her way and maybe I'll soften when we move out. She has already stated she's not interested in helping bring up her future grandkids (she already has 5) so we plan to move away from the area, so she'll have no say in the future.

Reading the above, I think my second comment in my uoted post above is even more apt.
There is clearly no affection between you.

On the subect of providing care for grandchildren, I'm not sure why some parents actually expect this.

RADDERS

Thanks for all the kind words, you start to doubt yourself and thinking maybe it is just me, but to answer a couple of questions yes we would have been upset about marrying without us being there but it is the lying and building our hopes up that have hurt us the most.

She seemed to think that it would be OK to have a celebration later as the 'wedding' but just doesn't seem to understand that this isn't the same.

As you say pigpen we are hoping that we can move on but at the moment it is very early days and the betrayal is just too raw.
Also he has not yet told his parents so I have no idea what their reaction will be lol