Feeling very low about breakup

Guest101

Totally agree, everyone wants a ROI.

To be honest it didn't scream another woman to me. I would like to think that at that age there is more maturity in decisions - but I'll have to wait 20+ years to find out!

SandC

To be honest you could analyse this until the cows come home and still not understand it.

I would like to throw another idea into the works though, from my personal experience of how I've been in the past. I have been guilty of getting a bit carried away with the novelty of seeing someone new, texting, phone calls, meeting up and having nice times, only for me to revert back to my usual independent self who loves her own space and me time when it gets a few months down the line. There's every chance this is something similar.

I have also been on the receiving end of the same sort of thing and I too wouldn't jump to any conclusions of 'he must have someone else' - you'll never know anyway - he may not even be able to explain his reasons to himself never mind anyone else. You do, as you say, have to respect what he's said and don't contact or chase him. The last person I had a few dates with gave mixed signals all over the place as well - saying one thing and acting another - I had other stuff going on in my life at the time so I stopped contact with him. Funnily enough he met someone within weeks and ended up in a serious relationship. I would not take that as a reflection on me, it's just one of those things and if you overthink it you can end up proper bitter and unhappy when they're just off getting on with their lives.

Put this down to one of life's experiences that you can grow and learn from, don't regret it, be glad you had something that brought you out of your bubble for a while as now you know you are open to it. Also, you never know if he may change his mind and be brave enough to admit he was wrong to get you go.... but if he doesn't you'll survive, you'll be fine either way.

Mr_Costcutter

I'm afraid the term 'cold feet' comes to mind and there could be many reasons as to why this may have happened. At least he was honest with you and in time you may see this relationship in an entirely different light. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, and don't dwell on what might have been.

FBaby

Guest101 wrote: »

Totally agree, everyone wants a ROI.

To be honest it didn't scream another woman to me. I would like to think that at that age there is more maturity in decisions - but I'll have to wait 20+ years to find out!

What's a ROI? Yes, I always dream of a king, but don't think that's what you mean!

We can assume that most people become more mature emotionally as they age, but it seems not! The fact that he was cagey with his explanations, that it is OP who suggested that they should talk rather than him makes me believe that emotional maturity might not be his strongest point.

FBaby

At least he was honest with you

I don't get the perception that he was at all, on the opposite. OP had to suggest a discussion, then he gave her a washy reason that was in total contrast with his attitude, then he asked her to give him time to 'think about it'. I don't see this as being honest.

If OP hadn't suggested they talk, would he have taken the initiative to do so? If OP hadn't said that challenge him on his statement about letting him think about it, would he have string her along?

Mr_Costcutter

FBaby wrote: »

I don't get the perception that he was at all, on the opposite. OP had to suggest a discussion, then he gave her a washy reason that was in total contrast with his attitude, then he asked her to give him time to 'think about it'. I don't see this as being honest.

If OP hadn't suggested they talk, would he have taken the initiative to do so? If OP hadn't said that challenge him on his statement about letting him think about it, would he have string her along?

I'm afraid I can't answer any of your questions because I've never met the chap. Neither have you . Maybe the chap didn't come clean sooner because he didn't want to hurt the OP? or maybe the way the OP viewed the relationship was different from how he viewed it? Who knows - not me and probably only the chap himself.

Guest101

FBaby wrote: »

What's a ROI? Yes, I always dream of a king, but don't think that's what you mean!

We can assume that most people become more mature emotionally as they age, but it seems not! The fact that he was cagey with his explanations, that it is OP who suggested that they should talk rather than him makes me believe that emotional maturity might not be his strongest point.

Return on investment*


So in this case there's a significant emotional investment, which has been 'lost'


True, I'm yet to experience that age bracket so will update in a few years! But it just seem rather childish in some ways I agree

justme111

Op , all event as you written them sound very normal. Statistically most relationships end in break ups , otherwise we all or most of us would have only one or two relationships in the whole life. Chasing someone and then not feeling right with the result of that chase is normal , after all how would we know how we are going to feel unless we tried it. Most often people when they don't feel right can not put their finger on why exactly , at least immediately. What caused your pain now is your expectations and perception. You say it was light hearted - I believe you it was but it was in appearance , not in your heart. If it was light hearted in your heart you would not have felt so bad now. Some soul searching due , wishing you to process it and come out of it with minimal pain xx

MXW

Thank you for all your kind replies, they have really helped. I have an update. Just to give you a bit of background on him. He was married 12 years and they split up because his wife had an affair. They have two teenagers who live with the mother. He works very hard, and works away from home often. When the kids were small, he made sure he could spend as much time with them as he could, so didnt go out at the weekends, took them on holiday every year.......he idolises them. In effect he has put his life on hold as I have.

I decided to contact him this morning for an explanation as it was playing on my mind, and im glad I did. Without going into all the text message, I basically said that the least he owed me was an explanation, so I could forget about it and put it behind me.

He replied and said that he agreed that I was owed an explanation. He went on to say that I had been nothing but sweet and kind to him and that I was a lovely person. That he admired for bringing up my sons alone and everything that went with that. He said that when he was married, he truly loved her, but that it was not to be (it was 13 years ago when they split up), and that he couldnt see ever having a relationship like that again, He told me that I was the first person in 13 years that he had had a relationship with. And that it was better that it ended now rather than later on.

I text him back and said that I understood where he was coming from, because I had not been on the dating scene for a long time. I suggested that we didnt end it, but move more slowly, that I didnt want a full on relationship, but enjoyed his company and that we could just go for a drink and have a nice evening.

He replied that he had had time to think about it, and there didnt seem any point in re-kindling our relationship, and that I should carry on doing what I am doing (as a person).

I feel sad for him, because he will go back to working, spending time with his kids, and going to the local for a game of pool, like he did before. He told me when we were seeing each other that I had breathed some life into him, and that he had realised that he had been too caught up in work.

How can I compete with an ex wife from 13 years ago?

My friends have two scenarios to this.
1. That when he gets back into his normal routine of work and kids, he may realise what he's missing and contact me.

2. That he may have started having feelings for me and stopped it before it really started, so that he didnt end up hurt again.

My feelings are that he has got unrealistic expectations of a relationship, and that he will never find what he had before. He will end up alone.

I feel so sad that we could have carried this on and maybe/maybe not something could have developed. He is such a lovely person, but has clearly got issues.

At least I feel better for knowing his reasons. But I cant possibly compete with that

PeacefulWaters

I cant possibly compete with that

Nor should you try to.