Feeling very low about breakup

MXW

I am 53 and have been single for many years (by choice). I have 2 teenage boys and have lots of friends for support and a young outlook. I had a bad marriage breakup which has left it's scars, and I put my life on hold to bring up my sons and shield myself from hurt. I have had a few relationships, but they didn't last, as the men turned out to be players. The one's that wanted a relationship with me, I wasn't interested in, so as I say I battened down the hatches and looked after my sons. I do have a social life and go out with friends now and then, but have been single really for about 9 years (apart from the odd date).

To cut a long story short, I accidently came across an old boyfriends profile on facebook last April who I went out with when I was 16. I messaged him and asked if he remembered me, he did, and we had a laugh about the past. Over the year we have messaged now and again, just to see how we were etc.

However, he started messaging me more just before Christmas and rang me (I panicked and didn't answer the phone). The messages started again and we agreed to meet, I was very, very nervous, but did go. To cut a long story short we had a great night, and he text me the following morning to say what a great night he had. From that point on he was ringing me and texting me quite regularly, and we met up at the weekends. He is a pretty quiet person, with a good heart and I really liked that about him.

He told me he thought I was wonderful and that he wasn't a great talker with anyone but said he could really talk to me and that he couldn't believe it. This has carried on for 2 months, with him making it plain that he really likes my company. It was a grown up relationship with no games. It was my birthday on Saturday and he had delivered a bouquet of flowers. When I saw him on my birthday, he was ok, but not himself, I couldn't put my finger on it. When he went home I text him and said that I thought that he hadn't been the same, and that we should talk, he agreed.

When I rang him I was devastated to learn that I was right. I couldn't really get a straight answer out of him, but he went on to say that he had been on his own for a long time and it was getting too deep. I pointed out that it had been him doing all the chasing, which he agreed. He then said he could usually tell if he's going to fall for someone when he first dates them (I assumed from that he meant he hadn't fallen for me). He then said he had been trying to make it work. This all came as news to me, because no one could be that good an actor. I asked him where that left us and he said he didnt know and could he think about it. I said that I wasn't going to hang around until he decided to make his mind up. I asked him if he wanted to call it a day, he said yes.

After the phone call I sent him a text to say this had come from no where, and he said it had for him too (although he also said that he had been trying to make it work). He has children and said it was better for us and them if it ended now rather than later. But there had been no mention of us meeting the kids at this early stage??? Up until Saturday he had been ringing me regularly (hour long phone calls), and texting.

I am devasted, I have put my guard down for the first time in years and am really upset that this has happened, it has come from no where. I never hassled him about seeing me, I went out with my own friends, and it was all very light hearted and fun......what went wrong? I am heartbroken and confused, I can't believe that I let my guard down and allowed myself to be hurt. My friends can't understand it, and neither can I. Why has he gone from a caring funny reliable man, contacting me regulary and seeing me, telling me how wonderful I am, and then overnight completely changing and ending it? Can anyone help? Maybe a mans perspective? I am so heartbroken and confused

fierystormcloud

Is there any way you could edit this, and make it into around 10 paragraphs?

It's really hard to read.

Sorry, I don't mean to be pedantic, it's just a huge block, and as I said, it's hard to read. Could be why you've had no responses yet.

Guest101

He's got scared, but it doesn't matter.

His reasons are irrelevant, because they don't reflect on you. It's not your fault, remember that.

ManofLeisure_2

You sound as if you are a really nice lady. Maybe this chap realised that and felt it better to end the relationship, rather than string you along. Maybe he realised that he just doesn't wish to commit himself to a serious relationship.

I don't think this is about 'what you have done wrong'.

Best wishes, and I hope that with time you will start to feel a little better.

LilElvis

He might just be scared of how he feels and the vulnerability that goes with it. Maybe he is dumb enough to close the door and leave it that way, but hopefully he will realise that he has acted like a fool and make contact again. Only you know whether he is worth taking a further chance on, maybe trying to contact him in a few weeks if he hasn't called you first.

It's crap when you are left with the sort of turmoil you think is only for the very young, but the heart is just as vulnerable in middle age as it is in your teens.

I hope it works out well for you. I wouldn't give up just yet - if I had I wouldn't have celebrated 10 years of marriage last week.

Kim_kim

LilElvis wrote: »

I hope it works out well for you. I wouldn't give up just yet - if I had I wouldn't have celebrated 10 years of marriage last week.

I am a woman, but I've heard men say that women don't listen & it's true.
He's told the OP he's not interested.
Therefor to avoid further heartache she needs to pick herself up, dust herself off & move on with her life.

MXW

LilElvis wrote: »

He might just be scared of how he feels and the vulnerability that goes with it. Maybe he is dumb enough to close the door and leave it that way, but hopefully he will realise that he has acted like a fool and make contact again. Only you know whether he is worth taking a further chance on, maybe trying to contact him in a few weeks if he hasn't called you first.

It's crap when you are left with the sort of turmoil you think is only for the very young, but the heart is just as vulnerable in middle age as it is in your teens.

I hope it works out well for you. I wouldn't give up just yet - if I had I wouldn't have celebrated 10 years of marriage last week.

I feel in turmoil because he hasn't really given me a straight answer (as such). I know that he is a good person, he has travelled 5 hours (from where he was working away) to home, to be with me on my birthday, would you do that for someone you didn't care about? He could just as easily said he was working away from home and couldn't make it. Yes you are right, being vunerable is not just for the young (as I know).

MXW

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I think this pretty standard ending of a relationship has been complicated by the nostalgia factor and that's made the pain all the sharper.

It was reliving your youth, it was bringing back memories, it all felt like it was meant to be, the circle is complete... and now this rejection has made the past feel like it has been tarnished along with the present. Twice the impact. Can't even look back now without pain.

Otherwise I think it's run of the mill stuff. He's got someone else. Maybe had them all along. Normally you'd shrug and say, well, we had fun for a short time, but this one has a bittersweet stab and it's hit you in more than one way psychologically.

I could be wrong, but I honestly dont think he has someone else. He also has been single for a long time and sees much of his kids who visit him on a regular basis. He has also put his life on hold for a long time as he had his kids every weekend and spent the time with them (rather than a babysitter). His life has consisted on work and his kids, and going to the local pub when he has time. He told me that meeting me had breathed some life in him, as his life just consisted of work. He has told his kids about me, which I dont think he would have done if there was someone else. I am the first relationship he has had in a very long time, I could tell this by how nervous he was around me when we first met.

LilElvis

MXW wrote: »

I feel in turmoil because he hasn't really given me a straight answer (as such). I know that he is a good person, he has travelled 5 hours (from where he was working away) to home, to be with me on my birthday, would you do that for someone you didn't care about? He could just as easily said he was working away from home and couldn't make it. Yes you are right, being vunerable is not just for the young (as I know).

I can only talk about my own experience, but I was very wary of a new relationship which was moving forward like an express train, hugely intense and with an immediate connection. What nearly derailed us was the fear of experiencing, again, an acrimonious split and the memory of the pain which we knew would follow. Fortunately we realised that what we had was worth taking a risk on, so we have now been together for 15 years and married for 10. You can still act like an idiot teenager when you're old enough to be the parent of one - it's a defence mechanism.

fuzzyduck22

Pretty much every guy I've been out with have gone from mega keen to uninterested seemingly overnight. It sucks .

LilElvis

Kim_kim wrote: »

I am a woman, but I've heard men say that women don't listen & it's true.
He's told the OP he's not interested.
Therefor to avoid further heartache she needs to pick herself up, dust herself off & move on with her life.

And if we had done that we wouldn't have been together for 15 years. He might have realised that this isn't the relationship for him, or he might just be scared at the idea of potentially being hurt again.