Debt ridden family from hell

[Deleted User]

I realise you are concerned but what seems to be coming across more is your resentment (I'm sure well deserved) of the other side of the family, rather than a genuine wish to help your MIL. Calling her a 'foolish woman' etc. She may indeed be unwilling to help herself.., that is part of the outcome of abuse, its not her 'fault'.

However, to me there are fairly serious things going on. You don't have to get involved beyond reporting what seems to be to be abuse of your MIL. Please do this, whatever you feel, however conflicting the various emotions you feel about the situation - she is obviously vulnerable and no one deserves to be treated like this. You are aware of the situation and probably you are the only person who can do something about it. Please make that phone call.

Your wife is important, obviously but that doesn't mean you can't also help your MIL. She is your wife's mother after all, and if you love your wife, your MIL had something to do with creating and nurturing (hopefully) the woman you love.

Yorkshire_Midge

@Rosemary - it's a good point and we're still doing the maths. Trouble is with retirement flats, you have a service charge bill that will easily be £150/mth. She only has a state pension.

elsien

I might be missing the obvious here, but if she can't afford to buy can she not rent somewhere if it's so uncomfortable living with them? I appreciate she might think it a waste of money if she wants assets to pass on but it's no more a waste than a mobile home and would certainly be a lot more comfortable.
It's about priorities and at the moment these seem to be more about hanging on to assets than about her having a decent quality of life.

Yorkshire_Midge

@Deannatrois - foolish is how she described herself several times today, and yesterday and the day before. She knew what she was taking on, she'd seen the signs in their previous behaviour, but simply didn't think her own daughter and son in law were capable of behaving as badly as they have.


I take your point on "abuse" but I need to take legal advice on that as I doubt my MiL would consider it has happened to her, even if it has.


@Elsien - no you aren't, and you've hit the nail on the head with her attitude to it. Rents are buoyant around here so we reckon this would be good for 7 years by drawing down on her remaining capital. But we potentially have to allow for longer life expectancy and she couldn't pay a rent and live on her pension alone.

elsien

Yorkshire_Midge wrote: »

@Deannatrois - foolish is how she described herself several times today, and yesterday and the day before. She knew what she was taking on, she'd seen the signs in their previous behaviour, but simply didn't think her own daughter and son in law were capable of behaving as badly as they have.


I take your point on "abuse" but I need to take legal advice on that as I doubt my MiL would consider it has happened to her, even if it has.


@Elsien - no you aren't, and you've hit the nail on the head with her attitude to it. Rents are buoyant around here so we reckon this would be good for 7 years by drawing down on her remaining capital. But we potentially have to allow for longer life expectancy and she couldn't pay a rent and live on her pension alone.

But wouldn't she then get housing benefit? I appreciate that's not what she wants, with the pride etc, but weigh that up against years of living in an office with no one talking to her if she says anything they don't like? And she may qualify for council or housing association at some point. They're not all run down places in dodgy areas, some are quite decent. And cheaper.

Money_saving_maniac

Yorkshire_Midge wrote: »

@Deannatrois - foolish is how she described herself several times today, and yesterday and the day before. She knew what she was taking on, she'd seen the signs in their previous behaviour, but simply didn't think her own daughter and son in law were capable of behaving as badly as they have.


I take your point on "abuse" but I need to take legal advice on that as I doubt my MiL would consider it has happened to her, even if it has.


@Elsien - no you aren't, and you've hit the nail on the head with her attitude to it. Rents are buoyant around here so we reckon this would be good for 7 years by drawing down on her remaining capital. But we potentially have to allow for longer life expectancy and she couldn't pay a rent and live on her pension alone.

As Elsien says, once her capital was gone she would become eligible for HB.

You absolutely have to put yourself and your wife first, because quite frankly, nobody else is going to do so, including your MIL.

My sympathy for her unpleasant situation is quite limited, as she clearly has all her marbles and has chosen to do what she did. Going forward, she will also choose what she does.

At the end of the day, she is not a frail old lady in her 90's, she is in her 70's with all her marbles and stubborn with it, she is responsible for her own situation and her own life choices, you cannot put your future at risk IMO.

moneyistooshorttomention

Hope a new day has brought some fresh thoughts to mind on how to deal with this situation OP.

How much capital does MIL have to hand that she could use for buying another place? From comment of retirement places going for £120k in your area - I gather she doesnt have that sort of amount left.

There are parts of the country where its possible to buy somewhere for around £50k - and...yes...that would mean a move to elsewhere in the country and not by her own choice. The only plus side to that being, I guess, that this awful family wouldnt be anywhere near her and it would make it harder for them to leach any more off her. Whilst she is near them - there is always the chance they will head in her direction again with the begging bowl out and pleading that one of her grandchildren needs x/y/z and "yes...little Jane or John really will get the money this time". I guess it won't be long before the grandchildren are old enough for their parents to "set them up" to ask for things themselves (the "All my mates have got x and I havent" argument).

This couple are going to be very reluctant to lose their cash cow and I expect the husband has only gone quiet now as a temporary thing - as he fears he has gone one step too far. In my experience - grabby couples only shut up for good if the "fear of god" is put into them about any further attempts at grabbing.

Yorkshire_Midge

@Elsien - you make a very good point on benefits, and its something we need to explore. Just my instinct in the current economic and benefits climate is to try and find something that just about flies without complete reliance on them.


@Money saving maniac - these idiots have been propped up all their married life. We flip daily (and sometimes several times within the day!) between feeling MiL was duped and bucket loads of sympathy, to wondering what on EARTH she was thinking of and why we should bail any of them out with one single penny of ours. My wife even goes through phases of blaming herself which annoys the hell out of me. Even if we'd been in a position to try and influence MiL to a greater extent, I know she'd STILL have gone ahead and done this.

moneyistooshorttomention

Further on your "off the wall" thoughts - if you're in a dearer part of the country - then I'm guessing it's got one of the better British microclimates? With that - maybe some holiday home type set-ups around??

These places have a tendency to be only legally liveable in for 11 months of the year - which leaves a month per year to think of (eg stay with yourselves?).

But they're often cheap and, by definition, set in a nice location.

I dont know what their associated running costs would be - and, as you say, she only has State Pension to live on.

Is that idea remotely possible? Well....you said you are thinking "off the wall" as well...:)

xylophone

Why does it have to be a "retirement" flat?

Would a ground floor flat in a standard block not be an option?

With whatever she has left of her capital and a private mortgage from you, would she be able to manage the purchase?

She has no pension at all from her late husband?

Is her state pension low enough for her to be eligible for pension credit?

Explore the possibility of AA if she is eligible.