Debt ridden family from hell

Mojisola

xylophone wrote: »

It seems to me that all you can do is to put to her that the situation has become untenable and assist her as best you can to make other arrangements if that is what she wants.

If she doesn't, you had best bow out?

Sound advice. MIL won't change what she's doing because she wants them to change.

You risk putting yourself in the same position by stressing yourselves trying to get her to change what she's doing when she doesn't want to.

Offer help and then step back if it's refused.

moneyistooshorttomention

Nicer people can easily delude themselves - for years - that others arent capable of things (ie because they themselves arent).

OP is only just realising the real reason why they fell out with the other side of their family.

Add that the woman in the couple is her daughter - and she will have wanted to believe the best of her.

OP is clearly on a mission now - and I don't blame him a bit. I expect his wife is very upset about this whole episode and he is trying to protect MIL for that reason. That's what a good man does...

MIL has clearly been very naive and it sounds as if the shutters havent 100% dropped from her eyes yet - but they are well on the way to doing so as far as we can make out.

Sometimes it takes a while for daylight to dawn on the person being abused that that is what it is....but the outsider can see quite clearly thats what has been happening.

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

MIL has clearly been very naive and it sounds as if the shutters havent 100% dropped from her eyes yet - but they are well on the way to doing so as far as we can make out.

Sometimes it takes a while for daylight to dawn on the person being abused that that is what it is....but the outsider can see quite clearly thats what has been happening.

But until that happens, the person can't be helped.

If you try to force changes on someone before they accept the position they are in, you risk alienating them.

It's very hard to watch someone in a difficult position but often all you can do is offer help, stand back and wait.

Yorkshire_Midge

@moneyistooshort - you're almost perfectly correct, except for the fact I've had my suspicions over their other falls outs for years. To me, if someone won't explain the nature of a dispute, there is a very good chance it's because it won't stand up to external scrutiny. BTW, thanks for the option on holiday type property. That's actually quite feasible as there is a static caravan park nearby. It won't go down well as an option but its in the budget for sure so she ought to consider it.

FBaby

I now believe that this situation has the capacity to be completely, utterly disastrous for you and your wife.

I have to agree. You admit that you had suspicions for years, yet did nothing, but suddenly, because you are in contact again, you are going to other extreme of wanting to take matters into your hands.

At least if you think you should be involved, let your wife, her own mother deal with it rather than you as a SIL. Why doesn't she make an appointment to see a solicitor rather than you?

moneyistooshorttomention

FBaby wrote: »

I have to agree. You admit that you had suspicions for years, yet did nothing, but suddenly, because you are in contact again, you are going to other extreme of wanting to take matters into your hands.

At least if you think you should be involved, let your wife, her own mother deal with it rather than you as a SIL. Why doesn't she make an appointment to see a solicitor rather than you?

I expect the answer to that is because of his wife's illness. We dont know the nature of the illness - other than it sounds as if its something serious and long-term by the way OP talks about it. Maybe too OP feels less "emotionally involved" because she is his wife's mother rather than his own.

Caroline_a

It's been mentioned before but I think the elephant in the room here is Deprivation of Assets. This is a highly complex set of rules and regulations, but it is something that should be talked over with an expert in these matters. Again, as others have said, it should be your mother in law and not you who will have to do this.

Having said that, perhaps you could speak to someone about this and maybe bullet point the issues as they could affect her. Then it is up to her to act or not regarding the remainder of her money, with the proviso that if she needs any assistance with this then you will help and support her to the best of your ability.

Below is a link to a very long thread, but you might see just how the sort of behaviour such as your wife's sister and her husband have been involved in, affects other family members and the sad end to it all. https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4764044

moneyistooshorttomention

That was a very sad thread indeed - I knew which one you would be referring to before I clicked on the link - as it was so striking.

Which just goes to prove that just because someone is "family" it doesnt necessarily mean they can be trusted.

Yorkshire_Midge

@Fbaby - a small matter of proof? Whenever I'd asked why they fell out with HIS side 15 years ago, I'm told it's none of my business, which strictly speaking is true.


Whilst I suspected my MiL and late FiL had been bailing these two out for years as well, they didn't ever admit giving to them, and these two never admitted receiving because it would have looked so terribly one sided treatment of their two daughters.


I only started to get a real idea something was seriously up when MiL was getting rather too preoccupied with her retirement flat finances around four years ago and I started asking her some questions, where it became clear five figure sums had gone walkabout. Hey presto - up pops an artificially generated family feud and a whole load of nastiness which effectively freezes us out the way. Two years ago, her flat goes up for sale and we try to warn her not to do it but she goes ahead anyway.


What has changed recently is MiL has spent time visiting my other half when she'd had her operations (needless to the say, the two b*stards never even visited). This gave me the opportunity to sort out the smokescreen so MiL is now back on side and realises all the lies and manipulation that has been going on.


However, the fact remains that even if the smokescreen hadn't been laid, MiL has said she'd have still done the same because they were in such a mess and at genuine risk of going bankrupt.


But until yesterday, even my most pessimistic view turned out to be nowhere near the amount of money they have actually gotten through. It beggars belief even by their standards.


@Moneytooshort - lets just leave it that in spite of her operations, I'm not yet at the point where I would be happy tying up money my wife might need for an indeterminate period of time.


@Caroline - I'll have a read at your thread, but I have the feeling it isn't going to make me feel much better.

moneyistooshorttomention

Let's hope that MIL realises by now that these are the sort of people that are, almost certainly, going to go bankrupt at some point anyway with the best will in the world.

If they've now run through relatives on both sides of the family - then there may not be anyone left they can treat as a "cash cow" in the future. However, their spending will probably still continue apace.

Right now - my very first concern would be that they dont manage to get their hands on the last of MIL's money. I bet they are "crawling to her" at the moment to try and persuade her they've changed/oh yes they have in a bid to drain the last drops of cash from her.

Maybe she'd be safer from that if she were to stay - just on a temporary basis obviously - with yourselves?? That way - they cant get at her night and day applying pressure.

Failing that - could she go off somewhere cheap for a fortnight's holiday? That might lend sufficient "distance" for her to see things more clearly. Has she got any long-lost friends elsewhere in the country she could go and stay with for a bit of a break?