Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

springdreams

dktreesea wrote: »

Quite. It's not for the expectant mother to even decide the guest list, I would have thought.


I have various extended family members who have been expecting the last couple of years. Usually the mother-to-be's mother and sisters arranged the shower. If the in laws were there, that's because everyone knew each other, i.e. the couples had been together or married for a few years prior to starting their family. Most times though the in laws weren't there. Why would the mother of the mother-to-be invite them if she didn't know them?


The latest shower I sent something along for (it was 200 miles away) didn't have anyone from the boyfriend's family at it. And I wouldn't have expected them to be invited. The families didn't know each other. The couple had only been seeing each other for 14 months.

I have been to a vast number of baby showers, and have never been to one where both sides of the family have not been in attendance. I don't think any of my friends or family would even dream of not inviting people from both sides.

springdreams

ringo_24601 wrote: »

lulu - don't forget to plan for the week after the birth, when your hormones go a bit crazy and you can end up a bit... er, unhinged <hoping my wife doesn't read this>. It is entirely normal to end up a bit depressed for a few days, and PND is possibility you need to warn your OH to look out for.

Setting expectations of guests visits is also important some family members just won't know when it is ok and isn't, and how long they're welcome for. If you prepare people in advance it'll help when the time comes.

Good luck btw!

pro-tip: make sure you've got a load of easy dinners ready, and ideally get visitors to bring you food

Most people just want a peek at the new baby, and if twins are not common in either your or your OHs families, then the arrival of twins in the families will also be cause for more excitement and curiosity (it was in our family). A few photos of the new arrivals on the day that they are born via whatapp (this is something your OH should easily be able to do) will be more than enough to satisfy most people, and they will usually then be happy to hold off visiting for a few days until the new parents advise that visitors will be welcomed.

Jagraf

I always remember when the fuss had calmed down our pub landlord (few doors away) came round with a hot shepherds pie. I remember that more than any baby gifts. Also slow cooker was a godsend.

springdreams

lulu_92 wrote: »

OH is from the west midlands, I'm from the east Midlands, so we are considered northern to anyone south of the m25!

I don't plan on excluding one side of the family. Like I said, I really want my mum at the hospital but because I think this would upset his mum, I don't think I can.

The actual birth of your twins is going to be an exciting as well as a frightening time for you, so if you want your mum with you, I think you should have her with you. MIL may strop a bit, but once she sees the babies she will hopefully get over it. Maybe as a compromise let her, and only her, visit the babies in hospital on the day that they are born. That should appease her.

CathA

When I had my twins, I put a note on the door saying 'Babies are asleep, don't knock or ring the bell' and for good measure turned the doorbell off. If people were coming round, they had to ring first (no mobiles/Facebook etc in those days) and I would keep an eye out for them. Bit clinical, perhaps, but believe me, you don't want every Tom, !!!! and Harry turning up and staying for hours.

Petra_70

springdreams wrote: »

The actual birth of your twins is going to be an exciting as well as a frightening time for you, so if you want your mum with you, I think you should have her with you. MIL may strop a bit, but once she sees the babies she will hopefully get over it. Maybe as a compromise let her, and only her, visit the babies in hospital on the day that they are born. That should appease her.

This. ^^^ If MIL is sniffy about not being allowed at the birth, then tough luck! Anyone with the faintest bit of empathy and understanding will 'get' that labouring women/new mums need their mothers with them when they are distressed and vulnerable. If some MIL who has an attitude problem because they're jealous you took their son away; that's their problem. They will have to suck it up that they're not welcome.

CathA wrote: »

When I had my twins, I put a note on the door saying 'Babies are asleep, don't knock or ring the bell' and for good measure turned the doorbell off. If people were coming round, they had to ring first (no mobiles/Facebook etc in those days) and I would keep an eye out for them. Bit clinical, perhaps, but believe me, you don't want every Tom, !!!! and Harry turning up and staying for hours.

Too right!

I detest people turning up unannounced anyway, but they were certainly not welcome unannounced when I had a small baby. In fact, I wasn't keen on them turning up 'announced,' as I was frazzled enough anyway, without having to faff about entertaining people. If I want you around my house, I will INVITE you!

lulu_92

Thanks for the breastfeeding advice, everyone. I know it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work but I'll give it my best shot!

I think a lot of people may have misinterpreted that the only person I want at the hospital in general, besides my OH, is my mum. Not to see the babies, but to give me comfort. I don't really want visitors in hospital (which is when OH said that I would be fine and decent for visitors after the birth...), and if the babies are in neonatal for a bit this would limit who could come and when, which suits me better as I can say to MIL that she can see them at X time.

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I think a lot of people may have misinterpreted that the only person I want at the hospital in general, besides my OH, is my mum. Not to see the babies, but to give me comfort. I don't really want visitors in hospital (which is when OH said that I would be fine and decent for visitors after the birth...), and if the babies are in neonatal for a bit this would limit who could come and when, which suits me better as I can say to MIL that she can see them at X time.

Well, I'm confused who you want at the hospital and for what reason.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I don't plan on excluding one side of the family. Like I said, I really want my mum at the hospital but because I think this would upset his mum, I don't think I can.

Based on your post above, it sounded - at least to me - that you wanted your mum at the hospital.

Jagraf

I would have :

My OH in the delivery room

My mum at the hospital nearer the time it all happens, maybe in the cafe

My MIL close to the hospital either at her home or at a b&b.

Then, after the birth, your mum can come in to see you and the babies for a little while. Your OH can text your MIL with updates, and ask her to let that side of the family know (send a picture). Then give her a time maybe the next day when she can come in. Maybe ask her to get you some bits and pieces.

I reckon, if you do it all sooner rather than later, everyone will be happy. Your mum can then be with you without a problem.

You might find you want people around, seriously. Hospital is a bit institutionalised and its nice to see fresh faces from the other side.

springdreams

lulu_92 wrote: »

I do plan on breastfeeding, although I'm a bit scared I won't be successful. A double breast pump is on my list, but they're sooo expensive I need to pluck up the courage to buy it!

Given how expensive these are I would suggest waiting until after your babies are born before buying one. My SIL had twins 2 years ago, and due to the circumstances of their birth was not able to breastfeed or express milk. She ended up selling her brand new double breast pump for less than 1/4 of what she paid for it.