Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

dktreesea

jumpingjackd wrote: »

My goodness, I do hope my DIL does not feel this way about me, as in your second sentence! Why "in laws in particular" ? Are they a breed apart? You may well find yourself in the position of being an in law when your children take a partner. I hope you can develop a good relationship with them!

I dont turn up unannounced at my son and DIL's house but I would hope if I ever had to then I would at least be welcomed.

In laws in particular because we often travel for work, so are not in during the day. They would come over unannounced - not necessarily MIL/FIL but various brothers and sisters as well, then get quite annoyed when no one was there to greet them. They would ring my then OH and say things like "why didn't your wife open the door when we came over? We know she was in there. We saw the curtain twitch". Well, it must have been the ghost given I was 150 miles away with my OH at the time. Or they would be determined to catch us in so arrive right on dinner time. They liked their dinner between 5 and 6pm. I guess a lot of people do, but we liked ours around 8pm. Then they would be reporting back to MIL that I hadn't cooked anything for tea. We were both usually still working. My OH would invite them in then they would get ratty that I didn't stop working to sit with them. And of course they always needed watering and feeding.


Nowadays, my now husband's family live overseas. I get on with them just fine. But I've learnt from experience that six weeks visiting them is my max and I do better if it's only 1 to 2 weeks a visit.


Plus the first time around, I made the mistake of showing off my language prowess so they always knew I spoke their language fluently. Not this time around. Just as fluent but I pretend to be barely fluent. It's great. Anything I don't want to get into I just look a bit blank.


Maybe if everyone is from the same background, in-law relationships are relatively plain sailing, but if they're from a different background, the case with my OH and my ex, they just have a completely different way of doing things and can get quite agitated when you don't toe the line. Being the woman, you're marrying into their family, so they seem to take it very personally when you can't really be that bothered with them and prefer your own family.


To the present, my DD has a better relationship with her future MIL than with me. I'm not surprised. My DD loves fashion and shopping. If she's waiting for me to show an interest and trawl around the shops with her, she's got a long wait. Fortunately her future MIL is fashion mad. She sends her hand me downs over to me. All gratefully accepted . But she's also young, 20 years younger than me. She had her children in her teens, I had mine in my 30s and 40s.

dktreesea

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

If my MIL (or indeed my Mum or any other relative) turned up at my house uninvited they would be welcomed in no problem. They don't need an invitation to turn up, they're family, they're welcome any time.

I really don't understand this anger at people turning up uninvited.

Maybe it's what I'm used to, what I grew up with. We were always in and out of my nana and Grandas house, sometimes two or three times a day, and most definitely didn't need an invitation. Same goes for any other family member, and the same at ours.

If anyone is going out or is busy then the visitor understands. Maybe some people are just unlucky in that their family members don't get the hint.

With a new born that is obviously a whole different situation, my reply is to those who are angry about the practice in general.

It's the fallout that then happens, only with in-laws (our friends know better than to risk turning up at an empty house), when you're not in to greet them and treat them like you haven't seen them for months when you saw them two days ago. No, in laws don't always understand. They think their son is working way too hard and his wife (me) is the reason. What it boils down to is they are not happy their son has married an outsider and worry about being grandparents to Eurasian children and the subsequent loss of status for them within their community.

lulu_92

My MIL came over unannounced today, which miffed me because she came around yesterday (and moaned that we didn't make them any breakfast, even though it was 11:30am and we weren't expecting them to need feeding). I had my GTT today so I've had a horrible sugar crash this afternoon and wasn't feeling up to seeing people. All I said to OH when she left was that people better not just call in when the babies are here (especially as I was mid way through removing my bra when she knocked on the door!)

rachy182

Do you ask your family to make appointments before visiting you?

My family have always had an open door policy and people do turn up unanounced. However they do sometimes get into a routine of when they are going to turn up as they would arrive the same time every week. Could you try mentioning to your oh times when he's likely to be home as well that she can pop by so it limits the times she turns up without warning.

lulu_92

rachy182 wrote: »

Do you ask your family to make appointments before visiting you?

My family have always had an open door policy and people do turn up unanounced. However they do sometimes get into a routine of when they are going to turn up as they would arrive the same time every week. Could you try mentioning to your oh times when he's likely to be home as well that she can pop by so it limits the times she turns up without warning.

I don't ask them to, because I don't have to. They will ask me when a suitable time is. For example, my mum wanted to come and see me so she called me on the Tuesday and asked if the Saturday was okay for her to come over. Even if it's on the same day she'll ring me in the morning, or at least a couple of hours before. I don't just stroll into anyone's house, nor do any of my family members.

OH's family on the other hand, think phoning us from outside the front door is providing us with enough notice. (and that's the longest notice they've ever given us!). When she came around yesterday she seemed surprised and annoyed that I was there...and it's my house!


I am a bit worried about causing another problem. My OH lost his job last week (big shock to us both as the company restructured) and has an interview this week :j Problem is it is at the same time as my growth scan. I told him to go to the interview as it's way more important that he gets another job, and I'd ask my mum to come with me as she has the day off work and I don't fancy going alone, but I don't want his mum getting annoyed that I didn't ask her. It's not so my mum can see the babies, it's so I have some company (plus OH's mum got the scan photos from our private scan, and my mum didn't, so I think that should be an okay compromise).

Petra_70

I am with you Lulu. I would never just turn up unannounced to someone's house, and expect them to accommodate and entertain me, and I expect the same courtesy and respect.

Someone said earlier in the thread that if they turned up at someone's house, unexpectedly and got a frosty reception, that they would never ever go to their house again.

I find that incredibly passive aggressive and manipulative behaviour, and a 'sore loser' attitude. 'I didn't get my way once, therefore you will be punished forever.' For a start, what if this person had other things on their plate, other commitments, issues, problems, etc etc, or maybe (God forbid!) OTHER PLANS!

If someone called on me and expected me to drop everything for them, and went into a massive sulk and said they would never come again because I said it was an inconvenient time, I would happily lose that person from my day to day life. I don't need people like that in my life. Controlling, demanding, passive aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping people who don't sing to their tune..

All I ask is that people let us know before they just turn up, because it is not always convenient. I do have a life, and other things to do, other than pander to people who turn up without warning and expect us to drop everything for them.

I reckon the people who are kicking off about people not wanting them to call unannounced, are the ones who do it! Who call unannounced and expect people to drop everything to accommodate them. Rude. Just rude.

lulu_92

I thought it was totally normal behaviour to give notice before going to someone's house! I have friends and family who tell us to come around whenever we like and let ourselves in, and I still call ahead and knock on the door! :rotfl:

Petra_70

lulu_92 wrote: »

I thought it was totally normal behaviour to give notice before going to someone's house! I have friends and family who tell us to come around whenever we like and let ourselves in, and I still call ahead and knock on the door! :rotfl:

Well it's just common courtesy isn't it?

Brighton_belle

lulu_92 wrote: »

I am a bit worried about causing another problem. My OH lost his job last week (big shock to us both as the company restructured) and has an interview this week :j Problem is it is at the same time as my growth scan. I told him to go to the interview as it's way more important that he gets another job, and I'd ask my mum to come with me as she has the day off work and I don't fancy going alone, but I don't want his mum getting annoyed that I didn't ask her. It's not so my mum can see the babies, it's so I have some company (plus OH's mum got the scan photos from our private scan, and my mum didn't, so I think that should be an okay compromise).

Lulu, you are allowed autonomy over your own body and medical appointments surely? Please, for goodness sake just take your mum. If OH's mum has an issue with this I despair - that would be utterly selfish behaviour.

lulu_92

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Lulu, you are allowed autonomy over your own body and medical appointments surely? Please, for goodness sake just take your mum. If OH's mum has an issue with this I despair - that would be utterly selfish behaviour.

I know, it sounds so stupid that I should be worried about this, but I need to be prepared as she won't see it as my mum keeping me company and a way for my family to top hers. She was really offended when she found out my mum had offered to come over a couple of times a week if OH ends up getting a job that starts before I get home from work. My mum in no way offered as a way to get at his mum, but to help us out and broaden OH's job search! OH didn't go "but what about my mum?", and we agreed with my mum that we'd split it between a few relatives so one person isn't being taken for granted.