Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Petra_70

Jagraf wrote: »

I would think it highly likely that many adults want for their mothers when they feel vulnerable. Soldiers are a good example.

My mother in law is in her eighties and lost her mum in her twenties. She lost her husband last year and says she really misses her mum now, more than she misses her husband.

Giving birth makes you vulnerable. I would want my partner only at the birth but I can see why someone would want their mum close by.

It also makes the father vulnerable and he may also want his mother close.

However. To the grandchild, both grandmothers are equal.

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I don't have kids, but i can certainly imagine when i do that i might end up wanting my mum there She's had 4 kids, she's been though it and she'd understand it a lot better than the bf (i'd also want him there but i don;t see anything wrong with wanting your mum and i'm nearly 30!)

Exactly! There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your mother there when you are feeling vulnerable. Any person with a good relationship with their mother would feel the need for her to be there. I can't imagine what kind of person would poo-poo someone wanting their mother near them when they are in labour.

There are lots of websites that back up the comfort of a mother... Here's a couple; starting with 'when you're vulnerable; your mother's voice is like a hug...' and a feature on how much mothers of newborns need their own mother.

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2010/may/12/mother-phone-call-study-us-oxytocin

http://www.bustle.com/articles/80728-how-becoming-a-mother-made-me-need-my-own-mom-more-than-ever

Pollycat wrote: »

I agree the thread has gone off the original topic (but nothing unusual in that ) but I think the evolution of the thread has helped some people (at least if has me) understand the feeling behind Lulu's original question.

Exactly. There's nothing wrong with the thread wavering away from the subject a bit... People only gripe about that when things are not going their way.

LilElvis

Petra_70 wrote: »

Any person with a good relationship with their mother would feel the need for her to be there.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and it is a rare day when we don't speak on the phone, even when we have been on different continents with an 8 hour time difference. She was the first person I spoke to after our daughter was conceived (IVF), the one I called after my pregnancy was confirmed and the call I made, after the one to my husband, to say that labour had started. At no time did it ever cross my mind that she would be in the labour room with me, or even in the hospital. I don't need to ask her to know that she had no expectation to be there either, or to see her granddaughter until we were all back at home and settled - which turned out to be 9 days after the start of labour and 6 days after I gave birth.

What a breathtakingly sweeping statement to make, especially after castigating another poster for holding strong views on the subject.

duchy

LilElvis wrote: »

What a breathtakingly sweeping statement to make, especially after castigating another poster for holding strong views on the subject.

It's Petra ......... We'd expect nothing else. :rotfl:


I'm still working out how some people took "Crying for their Mother" to wanting your Mother be in the general vicinity to the labour suite to be the same thing.....but hey !!

SingleSue

LilElvis wrote: »

I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and it is a rare day when we don't speak on the phone, even when we have been on different continents with an 8 hour time difference. She was the first person I spoke to after our daughter was conceived (IVF), the one I called after my pregnancy was confirmed and the call I made, after the one to my husband, to say that labour had started. At no time did it ever cross my mind that she would be in the labour room with me, or even in the hospital. I don't need to ask her to know that she had no expectation to be there either, or to see her granddaughter until we were all back at home and settled - which turned out to be 9 days after the start of labour and 6 days after I gave birth.

What a breathtakingly sweeping statement to make, especially after castigating another poster for holding strong views on the subject.

I agree

I too have a good relationship with my mum but as I posted before, I knew she would be distressed if she was. She did visit whilst I was in labour (long labour, hubby needed supplies) and that distressed her enough seeing me in pain and that wasn't even at the business end of the labour.

I just couldn't put her through that as we knew by then that it was going to get even bumpier/eeky.

jjj1980

duchy wrote: »

Really ?

Were you a really young Mum ?

The only person I saw doing that in hospital was really young girl

I don't think older Mums tend to feel the same

As other posters have said, what a rude post!

No, I was not a really young mother. I was 29, married and during my week in hospital pre-birth, had realised my then-husband was extremely unsupportive and completely unbothered by the situation being so dangerous.

At the time, the hospital had just admitted how close to losing both me and the baby it had come, I was in a hospital 50 odd miles from home, husband hadn't bothered to come see us as it was his mates birthday, despite my daughter being 2 days old, I still hadn't been able to see as she was in NICU and I was hooked to God-knows what in a High Dependancy Unit. I was incredibly scared and wanted someone there for me instead of being surrounded by strangers.

Pollycat

jjj1980 wrote: »

As other posters have said, what a rude post!

No, I was not a really young mother. I was 29, married and during my week in hospital pre-birth, had realised my then-husband was extremely unsupportive and completely unbothered by the situation being so dangerous.

At the time, the hospital had just admitted how close to losing both me and the baby it had come, I was in a hospital 50 odd miles from home, husband hadn't bothered to come see us as it was his mates birthday, despite my daughter being 2 days old, I still hadn't been able to see as she was in NICU and I was hooked to God-knows what in a High Dependancy Unit. I was incredibly scared and wanted someone there for me instead of being surrounded by strangers.

I'm not going to comment on whether I think duchy's post was rude or not.

I think your situation (as further revealed in the above post from your original comment here):

jjj1980 wrote: »

This is so very true!! I remember sobbing on the shoulder one of the midwives during the days after having my daughter that I just wanted my mum.

is very different from someone who has the full support of their partner during the birth.

I can understand why you would sob on the shoulder of the midwife wanting your Mum in the circumstances you've now explained.
But that's probably not true of everybody who gives birth.
My sister certainly didn't have our Mum at the hospital when she was having her 2 kids and I'm pretty sure Mum didn't expect to be there.

In lulu's circumstances:

lulu_92 wrote: »

With twins I am high risk and the chances of the birth not being straight forward are also high.

I can understand why she would want her Mum to be at the hospital (and I hope this is one of the battles she'll win).

Kynthia

I didnt want my mum there during the final stages of labour but could understand how having her there during the first stage, which can be so long and painful getting to full dilation, might have be a good thing. Having someone caring, intuitive, experienced in child birth and who you know and trust sounds lovely and I could fully understand why some would want their mum and don't think that makes them young or immature. People used to have the sole attention of a midwife who they'd gotten to know and trust throughout the pregnancy, and before that they would have had female members of their family. Now they usually get someone they've never met before who has to leave them regularly to see to other labouring women. So having your mum could be like a trusted midwife or a doula, and perhaps we do need to move away from the view that the baby's father is the best person to assist a woman through labour. That doesn't mean he isn't there and can't be helpful.

barbiedoll

I had originally asked my younger sister if she wanted to be present at the birth of my baby, I didn't feel that I "needed" anyone apart from my husband there, but I know that it's considered quite a privilege to be asked, and she was very keen to come along.

In the event, after having most of my labour at home, with my whole family in attendance (none of whom were paying much attention to me, they were all entranced by DH's new games console!) my sister wimped out at the last minute, saying that she had to get up early for work the next morning. I hadn't even considered asking my mum, she's not good with blood and gore and so when I mentioned, at the last minute, that she was welcome to come along instead if she wanted to, she really surprised me by saying yes. My brother came along too, although he waited outside the room until it was all over.

She coped really well, although I can remember being in the throes of continuous contractions and seeing her looking a bit wobbly, I asked her if she was alright. Her voice was a bit shaky and she was standing as far away from the "business end" as possible but luckily enough for me, the birth was quick and straightforward so she was fine.

I felt a bit guilty afterwards, thinking that she had only come along because I had asked her to, but I heard later that she phoned everyone she knew to brag about being there and how fantastic it was! She was good enough to stay away from the hospital afterwards, saying that it was "everyone else's turn" to visit. And she never came round to our house without asking first, nor did anyone else.

I'm so glad that she was there, even though I didn't need her as such, it was a lovely time and I'm so glad that she was able to share it with us. I did ask her if she would do it again though and she said no...but I know that she would if she was asked!

pigpen

duchy wrote: »

Unfortunately girls can be physically mature enough to carry and bear a child in their early teens - and to be honest a woman in her thirties crying for their mother -when she's now a parent herself is somewhat worrying.

You have to wonder why they aren't crying for their husband or partner if they are indeed adults and not children having children.

'really young girls' imply a 6 or 7 year old.. not a young woman who is physically mature enough to carry and birth a baby and deemed emotionally mature enough or the baby would be removed from their care!!.. they are not 'girls' they are young women. I know a 12 year old who had a baby, she was not a 'really young girl'.. she was a very young mother but she had more about her than her gormless 40 year old mother who was as much use as a used tea bag! I know mums of 14-15 who have lived independantly in supported housing with their babies, I'm sure they would love to have mothers they could call on in an emergency! My friends mum was a foster carer of expectant and new mums under 18 until they could be assessed and moved into their own homes.. usually after their waste of space parents threw them out.

And grown men in armed conflicts cry for their mothers.. it is a natural thing to do to wish for someone who makes you feel safe and nurtured rather than a clinical circumstance.. My grandmother recalls a German soldier in WWII shot down and he was trapped in his burning plane screaming for his mother.. is he a pathetic excuse of humanity too?

I would never justify wanting to be with a person who made me feel safe and protected and to ridicule someone who does is despicable. Often partners do not understand and are unable to be ot simply not supportive.. this is one of the reasons until the last 50-60 years men were not allowed in the delivery room because there was little they could do and they we not sympathetic to the birthing mum.. mums, grans, aunts, sisters were involved but not dads, they had to sit outside until everything was cleaned away.

I was present when my daughter had both of her children, because my presence made her feel safe, she knew that I would not let anyone do anything that would endanger her or the babies.. yet her partner would be pressured into anything.. and with the first child it was the right decision. I purposely, with both of babies, encouraged her partner to take an active role and stood back to allow them space as a couple but was there when I was needed.

duchy

pigpen wrote: »

'really young girls' imply a 6 or 7 year old.. not a young woman who is physically mature enough to carry and birth a baby and deemed emotionally mature enough or the baby would be removed from their care!!.. they are not 'girls' they are young women. I know a 12 year old who had a baby, she was not a 'really young girl'...

I don't think many rational people would consider a twelve year old to be "a mature young woman" and feel that motherhood is desirable but twist my words to suit your argument if you like. (Text removed by MSE Forum Team) Most people wouldn't want their twelve year old daughters to be sexually active let alone pregnant as they are young girls and not mature young women. The fact that very young girls are forced to grow up fast if they become pregnant so young due to (often) poor parenting and unwise choices doesn't make it desirable just unfortunate for all concerned .