Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Kaye1

There is a good chance you will end up in special care- not because of anything bad- but they usually like to check up on twins etc.

If so, look at it as a positive- they are really good at taking care of you and baby and keeping over-excited visitors out!

We were in special care with LO for 7 weeks and they were really good at turning people away if the time wasn't right for me or baby.

I really wish you all the best- it is an amazing, frightening, overwhelming, beautiful and tiring time- so don't beat yourself up if you just don't want to see people. And if you just want your Mum for a cuddle- then go for it!

Good luck.

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

Pollycat you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. No matter how constructively I approach something, they can't see my point of view.

I'm going to start putting my foot down as at the end of the day I am the one having to give birth to two babies and I'm the one carrying both of them (in my ribs I may add!!) until that day comes, which should give me more rights to do what I want (within reason of course!)

Try to get your OH on side first.

2 people against a horde will work better than just you with your OH sat on the fence, or even worse on the other side with his family.

Good luck.

ETA:
pick the battles that are important to you and let them have their way with the ones that aren't.
And if that means letting them come to your 'baby shower' but excluding your MIL from the hospital even though your Mum is there then fight for that if it's what you really want.

duchy

Pollycat wrote: »

I don't see anything wrong with that.
I thnk it's really sad that the OP does want her Mum with her at the hospital but feels she can't have her wish because it would upset her MIL:

.

Isn't the reason the OP can't have her Mum there for the birth is the hospital's rules of only one birth partner ? There's nothing to stop her having her Mum instead of her partner at the birth - Just with especially higher risk births hospitals limit who is there for delivery to stop it getting to crowded and hampering the staff .

Pollycat

duchy wrote: »

Isn't the reason the OP can't have her Mum there for the birth is the hospital's rules of only one birth partner ? There's nothing to stop her having her Mum instead of her partner at the birth - Just with especially higher risk births hospitals limit who is there for delivery to stop it getting to crowded and hampering the staff .

I can't remember if lulu said that she can't have her Mum because of hospital policy.

However, in light of this post (below) from lulu, it sounds to me like it's not hospital policy that is stopping her Mum being with her, but more a choice against her will because she doesn't want to upset her MIL.

lulu_92 wrote: »

I don't plan on excluding one side of the family. Like I said, I really want my mum at the hospital but because I think this would upset his mum, I don't think I can.

I may be wrong but that's what I made of lulu's quote above.

ETA:
I wasn't talking about lulu's Mum being at the birth, you sort of sidetracked me by mentioning 'birth'.
I just said 'at the hospital'.

Another post from lulu seems to back this up (i.e. visiting the hospital, not at the birth):

lulu_92 wrote: »

I'm compromising who can come and visit me in the hospital , even though all I want is my mum to be there, so nobody can be upset that they were "left out".

duchy

tatabubbly wrote: »

Duchy, no offense but that's really unfair. I'm 27, first baby and I'd give anything to have my mum there for a bit of reassurance afterwards. Because A. My husband is a man who has never experienced childbirth like me B. My mum has had 5 kids, she knows what it's like and could help coach me through it. C. Sometimes a hug from your mum is the only thing that can calm you when your upset and worried.

Doesn't mean I'm not mature enough to carry and bear a child, just means I love my mum, I respect her and I know she'd always be there for me.. Unlike hubby who could faint at the big moment (many men do) :rotfl:

Mine went green and started swaying - It was me (in second stage labour -) who had to ring friends to bring him some food down - He made it back to the delivery suite just as I was starting to push...... It made me realize why some women have a female birth partner

Whilst I do find it odd for adult women to be crying for their Mother's - I also think the assumption that the birth partner can only be the father is something we now take for granted when in fact it's a pretty recent thing and even in the 1960s many fathers were left sitting outside. Maybe there should be more discussion about what is needed from a birth partner and if the husband/partner is always the best option ?

Andypandyboy

I think it is quite different to exclude MIL from a baby related social event to wanting your mum there at the birth.

If you want your mum there and the hospital and your OH are happy with that then you should go for it.

Explain to MIL that it is not about the babies, but about you wanting your mum with you when you are at your most vulnerable. If you do go down that route though you will have to be extra accommodating with MIL and visits to the babies!

Georgiegirl256

I think his thread has gone way off track from the original subject. To want your Mum and only your Mum there at the hospital/birth is highly understandable. But that isn't the original topic in question, that was about the baby shower.

I think you're creating problems where there aren't any problems yet lulu, and it's obviously going to cause unneccessary friction if your boyfriend is starting to notice. Yes your boyfriends Mum has said and done some highly inappropriate things, but it seems in general that you get on with her, so don't cause problems with her that will escalate quickly. You say that you see your boyfriends family more than your own and so want to include your own more....don't do it to the extent of excluding his family.

Jagraf

I would think it highly likely that many adults want for their mothers when they feel vulnerable. Soldiers are a good example.

My mother in law is in her eighties and lost her mum in her twenties. She lost her husband last year and says she really misses her mum now, more than she misses her husband.

Giving birth makes you vulnerable. I would want my partner only at the birth but I can see why someone would want their mum close by.

It also makes the father vulnerable and he may also want his mother close.

However. To the grandchild, both grandmothers are equal.

Pollycat

TVs

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I think his thread has gone way off track from the original subject. To want your Mum and only your Mum there at the hospital/birth is highly understandable. But that isn't the original topic in question, that was about the baby shower.

I agree the thread has gone off the original topic (but nothing unusual in that ) but I think the evolution of the thread has helped some people (at least it has me) understand the feeling behind Lulu's original question.

System

I don't have kids, but i can certainly imagine when i do that i might end up wanting my mum there She's had 4 kids, she's been though it and she'd understand it a lot better than the bf (i'd also want him there but i don;t see anything wrong with wanting your mum and i'm nearly 30!)