Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

duchy

lulu_92 wrote: »

I hope he does want that time. He doesn't really say much on the matter but tells me it's ridiculous to deny visitors. I only want to deny the rude ones who can't even drop a text to say they want to see us!

I said if I have to spend more time no hospital I don't want anyone but my mum seeing me. According to him I'll be fine and decent for anyone to see me..

I would love to just have it as me, OH and the babies for a couple of days, just so we can adjust and get our heads around everything before we get the masses playing pass the parcel with them.

To be fair you won't know how you'll feel about wanting to see anyone til after the birth......lots of variables, how the birth went, how the babies are, how quickly you establish BF , how tired you are (I had this enormous energy burst -I was like the Duracell bunny the first couple of days after birth-which took me by surprise - for example). Odds are the staff will protect you from visitors if you ask them - and once you get home once he realizes how much work HE has to do as well as you - HE may be the one limiting vistors....... Why not just say to him that nothing is set in stone and that you two can decide at the time. Neither of you really know what you are going to want until the time. For all you know- he might be the one wanting to nest - and you are the one loving showing off your beautiful babies....Stranger things have happened !!

dktreesea

lulu_92 wrote: »

OH is from the west midlands, I'm from the east Midlands, so we are considered northern to anyone south of the m25!

I don't plan on excluding one side of the family. Like I said, I really want my mum at the hospital but because I think this would upset his mum, I don't think I can.

Does your other half not want to be there at the birth? One of mine was handed to her father - I was too sick - and promptly peed all over him. Decades on and it still gives me pleasure


Doesn't your MiL have daughters? Not sure if you or your OH are the rainbow side of the relationship, but I found there is this thing about marrying into the guy's family and somehow they are meant to become your family ahead of your own blood. I found this really strange and have never gone along with it.


I had a Lebanese friend whose brother was married to a British girl, all living in Lebanon at the time. My friend and this girl became close. One day the girl said to her that she thought they would have somehow found each other and become friends even if she wasn't married to the brother, she felt that close to my friend. But my friend was quite baffled, even telling me, twenty years on. She with her 11 brothers and sisters would never have gone looking to make a close friendship with a foreigner. Why would she, given her own extensive family? As she said, this girl regards her as a true sister and fair enough, but at the end of the day they are not sisters and she will never feel as close to this girl as she does to all her blood sisters. It helped me in dealing with my OH family. Yes, you are all my friends and professing your love etc etc, but you know what? if push came to shove and any of you had to choose between me and your blood, blood would triumph. So I'm friendly, but I don't pretend to be bosom buddies. if I want that, I turn to my own family.


Lulu, maybe you are lacking in confidence a bit? You just need to remember his family will be joined to your blood but they're not your family. You've got your own. If you need your mother and not his at the birth, then that's what you need. That wasn't a problem for me because they only one I wanted at the birth of our children was my OH. If you need time just with your little family when you get home, (and you won't know this until you get there, but don't be surprised if you change your mind, because having one baby is exhausting, let alone two), then that's what you need.


Both families have tried to interfere over the years, heaps. Mine were all for putting the baby down at x o'clock and "controlled crying". They're dreaming. That's not me. That's some other version of me from another life I've never met. But it didn't stop them criticising. I kept my peace with them but got a comment back via a circuitous way, that they were just all plagued by guilty consciences and that controlled crying, imho, was cruel. After that the comments and "advice" from my side of the family came to an abrupt halt.


His were on about anything and everything, what food we ate, how we cooked it, where we bought it, what the children were all wearing, how well the talked, what languages they spoke. They were forever blah blahing in my OH ear.


Everybody talks behind your back on both sides of the family. Stuff I wasn't there to hear, I learnt a phrase to anyone wanting to discuss what was going on behind my back, including my OH "I don't want to hear it". The other stuff, I just listened to, disregarded 99% of it, and did my own thing.


Lulu, you need your spirits to stay high. Don't let family vampire your energy. My OH sees his family heaps without me in tow.

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

He doesn't respect your views very much, does he?

This comment might not go down very well but reading the word highlighted by Mojisola, he does sound somewhat dismissive of the OP.

I totally agree about not liking visitors just dropping in.
I hate it when someone does that - and I'm from a similar area to the OP.

Izadora

Pollycat wrote: »

I totally agree about not liking visitors just dropping in.
I hate it when someone does that - and I'm from a similar area to the OP.

I think it's more of a person-by-person than a regional thing. Despite growing up in the same house, I have no problem at all with people turning up unannounced (my reaction is normally "sit yourself down, I'll stick the kettle on") and my brother would rather people didn't turn up at all, even if they've given him about a month's warning

lulu_92

OH does want to be at the birth. I've never had to question that. Although he didn't agree that I said I only wanted us two in the room when I actually start pushing (if I end up having a natural birth). My opinion on that is that he can decide when he has to expel two babies from his body!

It's actually been OHs idea to watch OBEM! Man I really do paint people as awful beings :rotfl: I think maybe he doesn't really know what's going to happen and he doesn't want to make a concrete decision, whereas I like to have a bit more control when it comes to things like that. Part of me wonders if he's worried about upsetting his family.

In all honesty I don't feel supported from what he has said that I've mentioned above. I do feel that my worries about after the birth are dismissed slightly. I tried talking to him about it last night but he seemed a bit preoccupied. I told him we need to be on the same page about everything and we agree so that one of us isn't getting annoyed when the other hasn't done what we agreed.

I'm feeling a lot better about things today, just gotta wait for the actual birth to see how it all goes down!

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

Part of me wonders if he's worried about upsetting his family.

In all honesty Ion't feel supported from what he has said that I've mentioned above. I do feel that my worries about after the birth are dismissed slightly.

It could well be that he doesn't want to upset his family but really his commitment should be to you 100%.
Maybe when he's got another 2 girls to think about, it'll all fall into place for him.

I hope so.

lulu_92

Yeah I think the same Pollycat. Seeing his face when he sees them in my ultrasounds always reassures me that it will be okay.

Jagraf

Lulu - he's probababky scared to death and doesn't know which way is up. He will be fine. It's hard for dads too - sometimes emotionally it's harder.

jjj1980

When_the_going_gets_tough wrote: »

Lulu the very best with the birth and your babies. I do think that if you want your mum in hospital then you just have her - anyone else can put up with it. Sometimes only mum will do. Also for your mum she will want to see first and formost that her little girl - ie you - is okay.

This is so very true!! I remember sobbing on the shoulder one of the midwives during the days after having my daughter that I just wanted my mum.

dktreesea

lulu_92 wrote: »

OH does want to be at the birth. I've never had to question that. Although he didn't agree that I said I only wanted us two in the room when I actually start pushing (if I end up having a natural birth). My opinion on that is that he can decide when he has to expel two babies from his body!

It's actually been OHs idea to watch OBEM! Man I really do paint people as awful beings :rotfl: I think maybe he doesn't really know what's going to happen and he doesn't want to make a concrete decision, whereas I like to have a bit more control when it comes to things like that. Part of me wonders if he's worried about upsetting his family.

In all honesty I don't feel supported from what he has said that I've mentioned above. I do feel that my worries about after the birth are dismissed slightly. I tried talking to him about it last night but he seemed a bit preoccupied. I told him we need to be on the same page about everything and we agree so that one of us isn't getting annoyed when the other hasn't done what we agreed.

I'm feeling a lot better about things today, just gotta wait for the actual birth to see how it all goes down!

He didn't agree?! So who else does he have in mind to invite along to see "the show"? Your OH sounds like he needs a visit from a frying pan when it gets to this subject. Giving birth, above all, is intimate. Who exactly does he have in mind to invite along to watch? And why would he want anyone other than him to see your intimate parts? Does he get that his job is to support you during your pregnancy and the birth? And thereafter?