Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

When_the_going_gets_tough

Lulu the very best with the birth and your babies. I do think that if you want your mum in hospital then you just have her - anyone else can put up with it. Sometimes only mum will do. Also for your mum she will want to see first and formost that her little girl - ie you - is okay.

barbiedoll

lulu_92 wrote: »

I don't plan on excluding one side of the family. Like I said, I really want my mum at the hospital but because I think this would upset his mum, I don't think I can.

Any normal and sensible person would understand perfectly why you would want your own mother around at a time when you are at your most vunerable....if your MIL is neither normal nor sensible, then that's her problem, not yours.

Of course you should ask your mum to be at the birth if you want to, it's nothing to do with anyone else, apart from your OH, who should be supporting your wishes, about this AND about unannounced visitors. Lots of us have given birth with our mums present, there's no reason why you should feel that you have to invite MIL too, you aren't related to her (even by marriage yet?)

I agree with almost everything that Duchy posts, apart from her comment "It's not all about Mum." I think that having a baby is one time where it IS "all about Mum" and I think that you should have everything how you want it! It's one day that is yours and you should absolutely spend it with those that you choose.

Your MIL does sound like hard work and you sound like you're bending over backwards to accommodate her. Maybe try manning up a little and stop letting her bully you? If she calls round and you're not up to seeing her, either don't answer the door or tell her that it's not convenient and you're just about to go out/have a sleep/you're expecting other visitors and if she'd called, you could have told her that...etc etc etc.

Keep OH on side but do keep repeating yourself until he gets the message. No visitors without notice means just that. Your mum is coming to the birth, along with him and no-one else. No visitors at the hospital until you say so. Don't argue with him but do stand your ground.

No, you're not a horrible person and no, it's got nothing to do with hormones. You're coming up to a life-changing event and you're trying to plan for it. Forget about trying to please everyone else and concentrate on pleasing yourself for the next few weeks. Goodness knows, you'll have precious little time to do so in the next few years!

barbiedoll

Forgot to say...most hospitals are quite strict about visitors, especially if babies are in the special care unit (Not to say that they will be but twins often are, even if only for a few hours, simply because they're often born a little early)

Our hospital states that on the post-natal ward, there are no more than two visitors allowed at a time and no children unless they are the newborns' siblings. If you get any grief, the staff are usually happy to have a word with "unwanted" visitors, midwives do know how it is with new mums and large families!

duchy

lush_walrus wrote: »

My husband totally agreed with me, he also wanted me to have space to start to recover. We were and are married so it is nothing to do with your assumption of current fashion as you do put it and it's nothing to do with second tier as you appear to quote. Both my fil and my mil spend far more time with our children than my parent do. But while in hospital the mother should be the parent who chooses if she is comfortable with visitors. If you have been in hospital after giving birth for more than a night with any form of compliction you would understand why. Frankly I do not wish my parents in law to be gorping at wee in a bag, nor hanging around while I am examined, I and my husband believed I deserved the dignity and privacy that waiting one day would allow.

Perhaps you should not judge all situations by your own, then you should find yourself less baffled.

actually I spent nearly a week in hospital post birth so you are talking nonsense - but don't let that stop you ....Carry on - not everyone thinks like you do (thankfully). I'd actually forgotten how awful the attitude of if you don't do it my way -you must be wrong was with a certain type of new mother . Thanks for the reminder.

I love the way people have to add their birth horror stories- Why on earth do women do that........Some women breeze through birth , others act like no-one was ever pregnant before or ever suffered so much ........but you'd think all births were awful the way some people go on. I had a fairly dramatic breech birth - -it wasn't straightforward but it wasn't horrible, or scary or anything else-It was just a non straightforward birth with medical assistance close at hand . I got told off by the midwives for going out alone a week after the birth (needed nappies) it seemed like an awful lot of fuss about what is essentially a natural function - still I suppose it sells lots of books and magazines and wouldn't if people realized most births aren't horror stories <shrug>

suki1964

lulu_92 wrote: »

OH is from the west midlands, I'm from the east Midlands, so we are considered northern to anyone south of the m25!

I don't plan on excluding one side of the family. Like I said, I really want my mum at the hospital but because I think this would upset his mum, I don't think I can.

I don't think she will be upset too much.

When my last grandchild was born I knew I had to step aside and let birth mother be in with my (step) daughter. I knew she only wanted partner and mum in with her, I mean let's face it, does any mother giving birth want a room full of people?

I just drove to the hospital and sat in the canteen until I got a text she was close, then I went to the maternity unit and sat in the hallway until she was ready to see anyone. Paternal grandmother also showed up at the same time. She also accepted that we weren't wanted or needed in the delivery room


My grandchildren have 3 grandmothers, we all get along just fine. No pecking order, no competition , just a united love for our children and grandchildren

You and yours will work it out. Don't over worry about things xx

Mrs_Huggett

I know I am posting this at a rather late hour but I feel very confused did you say OP that you have only just got Mil to stop using the P word around you. and that your children will be a mix of Pakistani and ? race? If this is the case then I do feel for you. Is it possible that the lady in question may be a little uneducated and not very well brought up herself? Forgive me if this is wrong but I would be very sad if this was my little ones coming into this family. I hope it works out for you.

lush_walrus

duchy wrote: »

actually I spent nearly a week in hospital post birth so you are talking nonsense - but don't let that stop you ....Carry on - not everyone thinks like you do (thankfully). I'd actually forgotten how awful the attitude of if you don't do it my way -you must be wrong was with a certain type of new mother . Thanks for the reminder.

I love the way people have to add their birth horror stories- Why on earth do women do that........Some women breeze through birth , others act like no-one was ever pregnant before or ever suffered so much ........but you'd think all births were awful the way some people go on. I had a fairly dramatic breech birth - -it wasn't straightforward but it wasn't horrible, or scary or anything else-It was just a non straightforward birth with medical assistance close at hand . I got told off by the midwives for going out alone a week after the birth (needed nappies) it seemed like an awful lot of fuss about what is essentially a natural function - still I suppose it sells lots of books and magazines and wouldn't if people realized most births aren't horror stories <shrug>

Read again absolutely no information on birth. Clearly this is a very touchy subject for you that you are determined to control and win an arguement on - that's fine you win. You are absolutely right.

SingleSue

I had a very uncomfortable time with my now ex mother in law when I was married to her son. I apparently was no good for her son, my weight was an issue, my housekeeping skills an issue, my job was not as important as her son's so I should be the one doing everything (I was the breadwinner) etc etc. We really really didn't get on.

Fast forward to when her son and I divorced, she was petrified that I would not allow her to see our children, a thought that had never crossed my mind and I could see the fear/hurt in her eyes when she said it. Yes it hurt that she thought I might take this approach but then on the other hand, my rational side realised that if I was the mother in law and my son had done the same thing, I too would think like that.

Since the divorce, she has been an absolute godsend and have got on a lot better, she was the one who would come out at stupid o clock to babysit when one of the boys had an early start school trip, she was the one who, when youngest was in hospital, would come and relieve me so that I could get home and have a bath, a nap, see the other boys, she is the one who will drop everything and pick one of the boys up when I can't get there in time. She has been to every school concert, birthday party, Christmas present opening and the boys have loved every minute of it and have a good relationship with her (they have a better relationship with her than with their father)

She was also the one who on finding out that her son was not paying anything towards the boys, gave him the nagging of his life and got him to start paying maintenance, he doesn't dare stop paying because he knows she will not be a happy bunny at all.

I too probably would have thought about not having her at a baby shower, there have been similar events in the past where I was very tempted not to invite her and have just my family but I (sometimes under duress) invited her anyway. Yes, it was a little eek at times and I wanted to run screaming from the room in frustration/anger but I persevered. My logical brain would always ask me what would my parents think if they were excluded.

We still don't have the easiest of relationships but we have reached an understanding.... we don't talk about her son!

tatabubbly

Lulu, honestly I wish you the best. Sounds like your mum and grandmother would definitely be able to handle her, please don't worry,

I get along so well with my MIL so I'm very lucky. Unfortunately as I'm abroad, none of my family will be here when I give birth so it's just gonna be me and DH. But I would find it rude to have crap loads of visitors around my hospital room/first few days - I'm sure I won't be in any form for entertaining!

pigpen

re hospital visiting.. most SCBU/NICU units only allow parents, grandparents and the babys siblings.. no more than 2 at a time so you are ok there.. you can also tell the reception staff you do not want ANY visitors other than OH and they will not let them in.. I refuse all visitors because I don't want to see them, I'm tired, in pain and not a happy bunny.. they wouldn't want to see me .. plus most don't see me before baby arrives so they can bog off afterwards.

When you get home start making it VERY clear now that you are not accepting drop in visitors for the first 6 months.. any visits must be arranged 24 hours in advance or expect to be turned away at the door.. you only have to do it once and they get the message.

Set out the ground rules now and stick to them.. and the same for both families!!

have a word with the nosy aunts and set them on them.. it will be a giggle to watch if nothing else