Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

KxMx

lulu_92 wrote: »

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I will appreciate the help but as a PP pointed out, I think the offer for help might dwindle once they realise how hard twins is. I will always go to my mum first, and OH will always go to his first. It's natural.
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Twins are very hard. My Cousin and her partner did not seek help for babysitting as such until the babies were in a routine, which for various reasons took several months.

What they did/do find enormously helpful were meal deliveries or someone dropping in for a few hours to lend another pair of hands. This enabled Mum to relax slightly, she could do something for herself like a shower, or go to the toilet without it being a case of "gotta go right now!" get ahead with the next few hours tasks (bath stuff out, next bottles made, dunk stuff into steriliser) or spend quality time with one baby.

Therefore the help and support you get is going to be a lot more valuable than you seem to realise at the moment and I wouldn't be so quick to write off what seems like half the helpers available.

Not meaning to be rude but that's just my impression from your post and I have spent the last 6 months seeing what impact Twins have (I am one of the "helpers" who go round for half a day once a week).

euronorris

reehsetin wrote: »

I don't have any kids so excuse my ignorance but do grandparents expect to be at the hospital at all (I understand a nervous mum want to have someone (other than/in addition to the father) holding her hand) but are people not happy with a picture for a day or two until the baby is home and the mum's had a chance to breath?
I remember visiting as a child after a cousins wife had just had a baby and she looked absolutely miserable, I wouldn't dream of going to the hospital for anyone unless they'd had specifically asked.

Some do, some don't.


My MIL is very understanding and happy to give us our space after the birth but my Mother keeps trying to insist that my husband tells her the moment I go into labour so that she can start making her way down to see us! I've already told her that I will not be having any visitors on that first day, and that DH will tell her once baby has arrived, NOT when I'm in labour. So she just tried to go behind my back and ask him to tell her directly instead. Thankfully, my husband is happy to follow my wishes and is OK with not being my Mum's favourite person when he does so (as she is bound to sulk about it).


It's not even her first grandchild either. This will be number 11 for her lol

lulu_92

Thanks. I really do feel horrible, I don't want anyone thinking I hate his family. I appreciate everything they do for us and we would be lost without them. My choice to not invite them wasn't because I think she's a horrible person, but because I have been feeling like his family have been at (or at least expected to be) the forefront of everything baby related without taking my family to consideration. and I really don't want to alienate my family, but as you can imagine when you're working and trying to ready the house for your incoming arrivals in your spare time, it doesn't leave a lot of time to split between two families who live in different directions! I suppose I'm a bit disappointed that January has been very focused on seeing his family and mine have taken a backseat slightly because we haven't been able to see them because we've done x y z with the future in laws. My parents totally understand but I feel guilty because I see them a lot less. I want everyone to be on equal footing and don't want one family thinking they're more important to us than the other, because that is just not true, which is probably why the number one grandma comment irritated me so much.

Little things do add up and I think they stick out more when I'm already stressed about preparing for these babies.

I am worried about what it will be like after the birth, because I think that a lot of people generally forget about the wellbeing of the new mum and don't really show courtesy when visiting. With twins I am high risk and the chances of the birth not being straight forward are also high. I think my OH and I will need some time to adjust to our family doubling in size before we are joined by a seemingly endless line of visitors.

I'm a natural worrier and it makes me sad that I've managed to make myself sound so mean in this thread!

KxMx

I should imagine any impending arrival makes you feel anxious, never mind a double one

lulu_92

KxMx wrote: »

Twins are very hard. My Cousin and her partner did not seek help for babysitting as such until the babies were in a routine, which for various reasons took several months.

What they did/do find enormously helpful were meal deliveries or someone dropping in for a few hours to lend another pair of hands. This enabled Mum to relax slightly, she could do something for herself like a shower, or go to the toilet without it being a case of "gotta go right now!" get ahead with the next few hours tasks (bath stuff out, next bottles made, dunk stuff into steriliser) or spend quality time with one baby.

Therefore the help and support you get is going to be a lot more valuable than you seem to realise at the moment and I wouldn't be so quick to write off what seems like half the helpers available.

Not meaning to be rude but that's just my impression from your post and I have spent the last 6 months seeing what impact Twins have (I am one of the "helpers" who go round for half a day once a week).

Yeah we don't really plan on needing a lot of babysitters, mainly because we would feel so bad for how much of a handful two babies can be!

I'm not writing off any helpers. My opinion on the day was that it was just one day and more about catching up with people I don't see very often. I appreciate everything OHs family have done for us. It is not worth a potential argument to not invite them for the sake of one day, although I am still a bit nervous because I am quite anxious around them when I don't have my OH there.

LittleMoog

duchy wrote: »

For some people three sets of visitors would be welcomed - for others it's too much - every birth is different -but it's the partner's job to "protect" the mother from too many visitors (with back up from the ward staff). A simple call saying "Moog is exhausted after 3 days in labour so if you want to see her please leave it til tomorrow - but if you want a quick peek at the baby and want to pop in for five minutes only I'll bring the baby out to you to not disturb her rest"

Frankly most grandparents would understand and if truth be told it's the baby they are anxious to see and would be happy to let sleeping mothers sleep .

It's not all about Mum -it's about the new baby and verbal reassurance that Mum is fine but resting is enough- Of course if Mum thinks she must be the one to introduce baby and isn't happy for Dad to do it- it gets a bit trickier . Most Mums aren't that precious though and realize it's the baby who is centre stage and not them !

I agree, but because we'd not discussed it or laid down any "rules" in advance last time, DH assumed it would be fine for both sets of his parents to visit that day, and it wasn't until the second visit when it felt like far too much for me. As 3rd visit was MIL who is still touchy about divorce etc, there was no way of getting out of it by then. Plus if people are driving an hour plus to see you/baby it would feel very rude to me to send them away after 5 mins when they could come for a proper visit in a few days time.

I guess what I was saying is that it's not unreasonable to say in advance that you'll see how you go with visits after the birth, that time should really be about mum, dad, baby and any siblings all getting used to the new arrival without feeling like you have to put on a front for visitors.

tea_lover

lulu_92 wrote: »

although I am still a bit nervous because I am quite anxious around them when I don't have my OH there.

FWIW, I'd tell one of your friends this (not a family member) and put them in charge of keeping them entertained. Just knowing someone else in the room is aware of your anxieties can be a huge help.

There's enough people there that they can deflect any awkward conversation or similar.

You're facing the biggest change in your life and circumstances you'll probably ever go through - of course it's daunting. Without even considering marvellous hormones and more than one baby! But it's also hugely exciting - and this baby shower, and even the first visit after the twins have arrived - are just a few hours out of the rest of your lives together.

All the best to you and all your family - OH, babies, your side, his side, friends ... the lot x.

lulu_92

tea_lover wrote: »

FWIW, I'd tell one of your friends this (not a family member) and put them in charge of keeping them entertained. Just knowing someone else in the room is aware of your anxieties can be a huge help.

There's enough people there that they can deflect any awkward conversation or similar.

You're facing the biggest change in your life and circumstances you'll probably ever go through - of course it's daunting. Without even considering marvellous hormones and more than one baby! But it's also hugely exciting - and this baby shower, and even the first visit after the twins have arrived - are just a few hours out of the rest of your lives together.

All the best to you and all your family - OH, babies, your side, his side, friends ... the lot x.

Thanks my mum has said that she will take care of it and that my grandma and one of my aunties will probably want to get to know her (their nature with all new people they meet) so it should be okay.

It's all sinking in lately so I have been so insufferable, I feel for everyone I have spoken to in the last week! I really am an okay person!

[Deleted User]

lulu - don't forget to plan for the week after the birth, when your hormones go a bit crazy and you can end up a bit... er, unhinged <hoping my wife doesn't read this>. It is entirely normal to end up a bit depressed for a few days, and PND is possibility you need to warn your OH to look out for.

Setting expectations of guests visits is also important some family members just won't know when it is ok and isn't, and how long they're welcome for. If you prepare people in advance it'll help when the time comes.

Good luck btw!

pro-tip: make sure you've got a load of easy dinners ready, and ideally get visitors to bring you food

lulu_92

ringo_24601 wrote: »

lulu - don't forget to plan for the week after the birth, when your hormones go a bit crazy and you can end up a bit... er, unhinged <hoping my wife doesn't read this>. It is entirely normal to end up a bit depressed for a few days, and PND is possibility you need to warn your OH to look out for.

Setting expectations of guests visits is also important some family members just won't know when it is ok and isn't, and how long they're welcome for. If you prepare people in advance it'll help when the time comes.

Good luck btw!

pro-tip: make sure you've got a load of easy dinners ready, and ideally get visitors to bring you food

Thanks for the advice. I am feeling low at the minute and I'm scared it will be the same after the birth.

I want to set expectations regarding visitors but my previous desire of "no unannounced or uninvited visits" did not go down well with my OH as he doesn't see it as an issue, although since then he turned up at his grandma's unannounced and she told him off so hopefully that's changed his mind!