Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Peter333

Hi Lulu.

You have had some good advice from people here, mainly people trying to say don't exclude the MIL and SIL's as it could turn quite nasty.

However, The post from the 'newbie' is an utter disgrace and I have reported it as such, (I wonder who THAT is. )

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=70056931&postcount=101

"I have been a silent reader over the years, and I JUST decided to join now, to attack a regular poster." Ermmmm, OK then!

And please pay no attention to the people crowing about pregnant little madams 'trying to rule the roost' and 'boss people about.' This does not necessarily happen, and is just someone's point of view.

Moreover, just how DARE a frazzled and hormonal mum-to-be act a bit out of sorts and not want people around unexpected, and be upset at callous comments about miscarriages, and not having a Christmas present from the mother-in-law?! :eek:

Sounds like we have a few miffed MILs on here who have had their nose put out of joint by their son's wife or girlfriend.

Give the lass a break! Constructive criticism and disagreeing with what Lulu says or does is one thing, but a small handful of posters on here have just been plain mean.

lulu_92

Thanks, Peter

I did realise last night that it would be more bother than it's worth in not inviting them. I'm still anxious about it but there'll be plenty of people there that it should be a lovely day in all.

I am very frazzled at the moment and I think I'm not coping well with the lack of control I currently have over certain elements in my life. I am not a control freak by any definition but I do like to be able to have a say in things, which at the moment it feels like I can't without upsetting at least one person.

A lot of things at the moment are really bugging me, and I'm trying to let them go, but you know what it's like once things start snowballing.

Things will get better, I just want a stress free third trimester!

Peter333

lulu_92 wrote: »

Thanks, Peter

I did realise last night that it would be more bother than it's worth in not inviting them. I'm still anxious about it but there'll be plenty of people there that it should be a lovely day in all.

I am very frazzled at the moment and I think I'm not coping well with the lack of control I currently have over certain elements in my life. I am not a control freak by any definition but I do like to be able to have a say in things, which at the moment it feels like I can't without upsetting at least one person.

A lot of things at the moment are really bugging me, and I'm trying to let them go, but you know what it's like once things start snowballing.

Things will get better, I just want a stress free third trimester!

I wish you well Lulu, and I'm sure it will all be fine. Not long to go now til baby comes along!

duchy

We all like to do things "our way" when we have children but it never hurts to be kind to those who love your children and compromise is a word most people have never genuinely experienced until they have had children (evenn tho they might have thought they had before !! )

LittleMoog

duchy wrote: »

Wow
When I had my son I wouldn't have dreamed of dictating a pecking order for grandparents.
Whilst Ii was much closer to my parents than my in-laws he was a first grandchild for ALL of them and they all rocked up the first visiting time and were welcome- None of them outstayed their welcome and left after a sensible time to make sure I got to rest.

I do wonder if this current fashion of baby first and marriage (maybe) later on means that it is more common that the grandparents have met less often (if at all) so there isn't any feeling of two families united by a marriage.

I never regarded my son's paternal grandparents as "second tier" . I regarded myself and my husband as equal parents so why should grandparents not be equal too ?

I find some of the attitudes on this thread baffling to be honest - and quite unkind to fathers -if their parents are less important -then are they less important too ?

It's maybe not a pecking order, but not wanting to be overwhelmed by tons of visitors all at once. When I had my DD she was born by emergency CS late at night. I got to the ward at 4am, DH had to leave as it was outside visiting hours. The next morning, my parents came to visit, they were going away for 4 days the next day, and then DH's dad and step mum, and his mum visited separately in the afternoon. I was exhausted after 3 days of labour and emergency surgery, in pain, only just up and showered after epidural had worn off etc, and then DH had to go home again at 8pm and I had to deal with the second night in hospital by myself.

I've said that this time around if I end up in hospital again I want to stagger visitors, as it was just too much to have all three sets of parents on that first day. If you look at the photos taken I was completely white/yellow, and clearly not very well. It wasn't that I didn't want to see the in-laws, or for them to meet DD, but that I could have done with doing it more gradually. We were totally shellshocked!

duchy

For some people three sets of visitors would be welcomed - for others it's too much - every birth is different -but it's the partner's job to "protect" the mother from too many visitors (with back up from the ward staff). A simple call saying "Moog is exhausted after 3 days in labour so if you want to see her please leave it til tomorrow - but if you want a quick peek at the baby and want to pop in for five minutes only I'll bring the baby out to you to not disturb her rest"

Frankly most grandparents would understand and if truth be told it's the baby they are anxious to see and would be happy to let sleeping mothers sleep .

It's not all about Mum -it's about the new baby and verbal reassurance that Mum is fine but resting is enough- Of course if Mum thinks she must be the one to introduce baby and isn't happy for Dad to do it- it gets a bit trickier . Most Mums aren't that precious though and realize it's the baby who is centre stage and not them !

LittleMoog wrote: »

It's maybe not a pecking order, but not wanting to be overwhelmed by tons of visitors all at once. When I had my DD she was born by emergency CS late at night. I got to the ward at 4am, DH had to leave as it was outside visiting hours. The next morning, my parents came to visit, they were going away for 4 days the next day, and then DH's dad and step mum, and his mum visited separately in the afternoon. I was exhausted after 3 days of labour and emergency surgery, in pain, only just up and showered after epidural had worn off etc, and then DH had to go home again at 8pm and I had to deal with the second night in hospital by myself.

I've said that this time around if I end up in hospital again I want to stagger visitors, as it was just too much to have all three sets of parents on that first day. If you look at the photos taken I was completely white/yellow, and clearly not very well. It wasn't that I didn't want to see the in-laws, or for them to meet DD, but that I could have done with doing it more gradually. We were totally shellshocked!

lulu_92

duchy wrote: »

We all like to do things "our way" when we have children but it never hurts to be kind to those who love your children and compromise is a word most people have never genuinely experienced until they have had children (evenn tho they might have thought they had before !! )

I think I want to do things my own way more now because I know full well that I will have to compromise even more when the babies arrive! :rotfl:

I don't think I am unkind to her (although I appreciate me intially choosing not to invite her would have been). I try to have a good relationship with her because I don't want there to be any issues between us. I tend to not address things further because it causes trouble with OH as he doesn't really see it from my perspective (totally understandable).

I think a lot of what has happened, especially during my pregnancy, has added up and now every little irritating thing is driving me crazy!

Gotta love hormones, eh?

reehsetin

I don't have any kids so excuse my ignorance but do grandparents expect to be at the hospital at all (I understand a nervous mum want to have someone (other than/in addition to the father) holding her hand) but are people not happy with a picture for a day or two until the baby is home and the mum's had a chance to breath?
I remember visiting as a child after a cousins wife had just had a baby and she looked absolutely miserable, I wouldn't dream of going to the hospital for anyone unless they'd had specifically asked.

red_devil

of course your being mean just invite them.

How would you like to be excluded by someone.

dktreesea

Lulu, stop worrying and breathe. All this worry about events that haven't even happened yet is probably doing yours and your babies heads in. No one knows what's going to happen in the future. You owe it to yourself and your babies to have a calm, peaceful, trouble free pregnancy.


Here's a phrase your boyfriend needs to try out on his mum: "My girlfriend is tired. Please call instead of just dropping around. Or how about instead I pop over to yours."


Bluntly, her not getting you a Christmas present then going on about how she can't get this and that for the grandchildren because others are getting it already - she sounds mean. It's not just the Scots who have short arms and deep pockets. Up here, that usually means thrifty. It can also mean the person is stingy.


I suppose she doesn't want to spend too much on your children because she realises going forward your relationship might not continue, in which case you'ld end up with the children and she'd probably be cut out of the equation. After all, it's not like you're married. I've got news for her - being married doesn't make a scrap of difference if people are going to break up.


Well, she's another one who just needs to breathe, be happy she's alive today and just focus on coping with this day. The future isn't here yet - did she miss something?


As to birthing, my mum expected to be there at the birth and was very miffed when I told her she wasn't invited. The only person in the room when I was giving birth was my OH. I figured he's the only one in the room who has seen it all before. But to do that, I had to leave the country I was living in at the time. It wasn't allowed where I was living.


After I had my first child, I was too sick to see anyone. Nothing went to plan. Everyone had to stay away except my OH until the hospital said it was okay to visit.


Lulu, stop trying to plan everything down to the nth degree. Carrying children is a big responsibility, doubled when its twins. Don't have people around you who make you feel like cr*p.


As to having issues about heritage, I have had that, both relationships, both sides of the family. I made the mistake of letting my side and his side mingle the first time around. Never again. 30 years on and the two sides of the family have never even met. Different countries. Just the way I like it.


For years my mother was on about visiting their part of the world to "get to know them". Why would she need to? We're not there. Most of my in laws, both times around, don't speak English. So why get to know them? She's on about how both families should be close. Why? I don't see the need.


She should be focused just on coming to visit us, to visit her blood. What's his blood got to do with her? I had the same on the other side of the family, my FIL telling me I was his daughter now. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits, but he's not my Dad, and I don't call him Dad. Likewise my husband and ex. They called my parents by their first names, which is how I introduced them. Mum was a bit nippy about this because she said they should have called them "Mum and Dad". I told her, when she has given birth to him, (it'll take reincarnation to be true for that to happen) he can then call her Mum.