Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

Petra_70

Anatidaephobia wrote: »

Maybe I have misinterpreted the post, but I got the impression that only the first sentence was directed at the OP and the rest of that post was going off on a bit of a tangent with QS just musing/ranting out loud about the topic in general rather than specifically directing it at the OP. Just my opinion though. I'm sure she'll correct me if I'm wrong

Well it certainly seemed like an attack on Lulu to me!

If QS wasn't having a go, then I would hate to actually see her when she is!!!

duchy

lulu_92 wrote: »

It is not a competition. She has slightly made the pregnancy a competition with my mum, but my mum can't be bothered with those kinds of games so doesn't bite.

Again, I appreciate what you are saying, but we're not all "self centered little girlfriends". I think your comments are slightly unfair and make me out to be worse than I am.

I suspect you are awfully young

If I had suggested I excluded my MIL from any baby celebration my Mum ( who had little time for my MIL- they are very different people) would have told me I was being a selfish mare and that my MIL was part of the package that came with making a family with her son . You've already said there are tensions - what could be better for easing those tensions than a party where everyone is celebrating the imminent arrival of the babies.

I do wonder if your Mum is seeing your MIL as competition for granny time =Most mothers would want their pregnant daughter to have a lovely calm pregnancy and not try to trigger a big upset with the in-laws. Even if you can't see it your Mum surely has enough life experience to realize what the consequences of excluding the other granny could be and how hurtful it would be. Frankly this snacks of you both getting your own back on her for her tactless miscarriage remark.

Sorry but that's how it looks from here - and quite possibly how your OH's family could see it.

Petra_70

duchy wrote: »

I suspect you are awfully young

If I had suggested I excluded my MIL from any baby celebration my Mum ( who had little time for my MIL- they are very different people) would have told me I was being a selfish mare and that my MIL was part of the package that came with making a family with her son . You've already said there are tensions - what could be better for easing those tensions than a party where everyone is celebrating the imminent arrival of the babies.

I do wonder if your Mum is seeing your MIL as competition for granny time =Most mothers would want their pregnant daughter to have a lovely calm pregnancy and not try to trigger a big upset with the in-laws. Even if you can't see it your Mum surely has enough life experience to realize what the consequences of excluding the other granny could be and how hurtful it would be. Frankly this snacks of you both getting your own back on her for her tactless miscarriage remark.

Sorry but that's how it looks from here - and quite possibly how your OH's family could see it.

I just can't believe some of these responses.

Lulu is clearly upset and confused and maybe she IS still smarting from the miscarriage remark (understandably!) and people are trying to make out she is a nasty and immature little madam! (I suspect you are AWWWWFULLY young...' (Translation: you are very childish!!!)

Must be great to be so flippin' perfect! Have some compassion and understanding people FGS!!!

As I said Lulu, do whatever YOU feel comfortable with. To heck with anyone else.

Although I can see that you have decided to invite her now.

Doesn't seem to be stopping the snide and spiteful remarks though! Even accusing Lulu's mother of being jealous of the other granny (Lulu's MIL) and seeing her as competition. It's amazing how people invent all kinds of scenarios in their head that don't even exist!

Some people just can't help themselves!

Georgiegirl256

See you've got that wooden spoon out again Petra You do this on many threads, are you just out to cause trouble? You need to learn that everyone has their own opinion and as such are entitled to offer up that opinion without the mock horror from you.

People are just offering up their opinion which is what the OP asked for. I don't think QS's post was unneccessarily harsh, merely passing on her own experience and own wisdom.

dktreesea

lulu_92 wrote: »

I can guarantee that she will not be pushed out. She's nearer to retirement age than my parents so we see her an awful lot. So much more than any of my family members. I would never push her out either. I understand why her not getting an invite would seem like she is but the amount that we involve her already should speak volumes about how important she is to us and our babies.

I worry that my family will.be pushed out as they work more so I don't get to see them.as often. OHs mum has already told me that's she's number one when it comes to grandparents (and she wasn't even joking) and was upset that we told my mum first that we were pregnant (a whole hour before we told her). Every time I get a scan photo she moans that we don't give her one (a fiver each and you don't get many for twins, and we don't give anyone else one) and never says anything about including my family (but mine always offer to include hers). It is true that she didn't get me a present at Christmas because I'm pregnant. Maybe I'm still resentful that she called my miscarriage in June a disappointment, instead of being sad or sympathetic. So when it comes to pregnancy we appreciate what she has done for us in terms of buying us the cot and some other stuff, she doesn't really support how I feel (always bringing up my size and weight, mentioning how she was a size 6 two days after birth)

OH wouldn't be there so I'd feel even worse about his relatives being there. I get on with them and I'm not horrible to them at all, but as I mentioned above I would be anxious with her there as she judges everything I say and do and I just want a relaxing day.

None of it matters now anyway as I've just bit the bullet and said let's just invite them. I'm not particularly happy about it but I suppose I better get used to doing things I don't want to do! :rotfl:

Why are you accommodating your future (?) MIL? She sounds like a right cow. I would have been furious if any of my own family, let alone my in laws, dropped in without ringing first when I was heavily pregnant. You've got to be kidding me.. Your future MIL should show a bit more respect and distance.


I've possibly had a bit more experience of MILs than you in my extended family and I recognise the signs - you're not good enough/slim enough/ etc etc etc enough for her son, not someone SHE would have chosen for him.


She wants to be number one grandparent but was too lazy to get you anything for Christmas, even though you're carrying her blood? Oh my soul, you should trust your instincts on this and back off. As in when she comes a-calling, how about not answering the door if your OH isn't there? Presumably she comes to see him, not you?


And if it's your mum who is throwing a baby shower for you, why should she invite someone she may not even know very well?

lulu_92

Jane_Pickles wrote: »

lulu 92 I have long been a follower of the TTC threads on this site. My own battle with TTC is something I have chosen not to discuss publicly.

When you took over the TTC thread - Something about you did not add up. I could not quite put my finger on it?

Following that thread as a silent reader over the past year. I started to notice inconsistencies within your posts.

On multiple occasions you have posted other pregnancy related drama threads - This particular thread is almost word for word a spitting image of a thread posted four years ago on whattoexpect.

When I read this thread - It was a deja vu moment. I knew I had read this thread before on another forum.

After this discovery - I delved deeper into your threads. Nearly every pregnancy drama thread you have posted exists on other forums. Mostly American forums.

All you do is edit parts to make it your own story - Cutting out any chance of people detecting your fraud through a google search.

You are lucky I am unable to post the links as a Newbie. My Newbie status will mean people will dismiss what I am saying as not true.

Go to whattoexpect - You will find this exact thread posted four years ago.

Grow up little girl. There are real adults here TTC who could do without your made up stories.

You have had your little grip of control on an important thread - Everything else you post boils down to pointless attention seeking.

::rotfl: nice first post..

I didn't realise all two thousand of my posts were just lies :rotfl:

lulu_92

BTW just for clarification, folks. My mum doesn't do "competition". We've spoken about everything at length and I know for a fact if there ends up being a "grandma competition", it definitely would not be perpetuated by my mum. She doesn't have time for the immaturity of it all. She's a very easy going woman

She decided to throw this for me, her stance on inviting OHs mum was that ultimately it was up to me, but she was the one to suggest it in the first place. She understands why I didn't want them there.

gettingtheresometime

I think what I meant by 'competition' certainly from my own experience is that couples - intentionally or otherwise - tend to migrate to the maternal grandparents for babysitting duties etc.

I always had the impression that my op's mum 'favoured' my sil's children being the maternal grandparents and the first grandchildren but it was only when our son was in hospital did I realise she loved them all equally but differently if that makes sense.

I didn't know that there had been issues in the past but tbh I think it makes it all the more important that you handle this correctly if you are to have any relationship with your oh's family

lush_walrus

lulu_92 wrote: »

Oh wow!

Now for the day OH has to compromise and do something he doesn't want to do...;)

Now you have explained a little more about your mil she's starting to sound like my fil / husbands step mother. So a word of warning, start now making it very clear who can and can't come to the hospital when you have your twins. Let them know who will be coming, when and who will not be coming. Talk to your oh about it and then in conversation let them all know.

We had awful fallings out over it when we had our first child as we didn't let fil come first and blah blah blah their bickering ruined that memory for us.

When we had our other daughters we were very clear my parents would come first (as ultimately they want to see not only a baby but that their daughter is ok) then his mum or dad then our siblings. My brothers wife did roughly the same order when she had hers.

Not to be graphic but you may not want in laws to see you in hospital the day you give birth - I suspect with twins you are being induced or c section in which case you may be in for more than one night.

Just worth a think if you have a slightly unreasonable judgemental person you don't want to be pressured into seeing them quickly and end up being all about them.

duchy

Wow
When I had my son I wouldn't have dreamed of dictating a pecking order for grandparents.
Whilst Ii was much closer to my parents than my in-laws he was a first grandchild for ALL of them and they all rocked up the first visiting time and were welcome- None of them outstayed their welcome and left after a sensible time to make sure I got to rest.

I do wonder if this current fashion of baby first and marriage (maybe) later on means that it is more common that the grandparents have met less often (if at all) so there isn't any feeling of two families united by a marriage.

I never regarded my son's paternal grandparents as "second tier" . I regarded myself and my husband as equal parents so why should grandparents not be equal too ?

I find some of the attitudes on this thread baffling to be honest - and quite unkind to fathers -if their parents are less important -then are they less important too ?

lush_walrus wrote: »

When we had our other daughters we were very clear my parents would come first (as ultimately they want to see not only a baby but that their daughter is ok) then his mum or dad then our siblings. My brothers wife did roughly the same order when she had hers.

Not to be graphic but you may not want in laws to see you in hospital the day you give birth - I suspect with twins you are being induced or c section in which case you may be in for more than one night.

Just worth a think if you have a slightly unreasonable judgemental person you don't want to be pressured into seeing them quickly and end up being all about them.