Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

lulu_92

balletshoes wrote: »

never a truer word spoken Lulu - one day I'll tell you the tale of traipsing a moaning teenager 2 flights, plus 3 hours drive up a mountain abroad to stay with relatives we'd never met before, for 5 days, in a house with no proper toilet. The things we do for family .

Oh wow!

Now for the day OH has to compromise and do something he doesn't want to do...;)

Lunar_Eclipse

I don't think your MIL will be remotely understanding about not being invited. Unless she doesn't like you, I think she'll be very hurt (especially since you're allowing your friends children to attend.)

Since you're not a fan of baby showers and it's a commercialised American tradition whereby you get given loads of gifts before the baby is born (which I'd be really anxious about), why don't you cancel it? You could always invite your mum, sisters and friends round one day for tea and cake, without any need to make it anything more than just that. I had some friends round for coffee and cake today as it happens.

babyblooz

And if your baby is a boy, then fast forward a few years and imagine how you might feel if you found out that you had been excluded from some celebration around your future grandchild?

Peter333

I don't think you're a bad person Lulu, and I don't think anyone has said that. And I do feel sorry for you for having in-law issues. And I do understand that you feel uneasy around them.

But I think you either need to suck it up and invite them, OR (as many have said on here,) tell your mum of your worries, and cancel this 'baby shower.' (As it has only just been mentioned; the arrangements can't be underway yet...) Then just go out with your mates and a few relatives. Just don't call it a 'baby shower' or 'family get-together.'

I hope you find peace and harmony (somehow!) The last thing you need is this kind of hassle when you're pregnant.

Stop worrying!!! As I said, just try and rearrange it to be a get together with your mates and a few relatives.

But as a few people have said on here - this kind of issue is going to keep occurring... You may have to learn to deal. Excluding the in laws all the time, is not going to go down well at all.

suejb2

Don't know if you have any brothers, how would you or your mum feel if you weren't invited to any get togethers?

If you hate the idea why are you having one and leaving yourself open to fall outs.

borkid

lulu_92 wrote: »

That was one of the reasons why I didn't want a shower, as I was nervous. I'd not really gave it much thought until my mum mentioned it and I thought it would be a good opportunity to see my family as we live all over the place and we have never gotten together without the male relatives. My friends are like family, so I couldn't imagine them not being there.

Why don't you just have a girlie night with your female family and friends. Don't call it a baby shower just that you want, what will possibly be one of the few times, to have a girlie time. Even after the babes are born and you managed to get all the girls together I doubt you wouldn't be disturbed at least once during the evning.

Primrose

Your boyfriend's mother may one day end up being your mother in law. It,s not really worth setting off on the wrong foot is it? You could exclude his other relatives perhaps on grounds of limited space, but not his mother
Besides,in the not too distant future you may be looking for a willing baby sitter.

barbiedoll

lush_walrus wrote: »

You don't want a baby shower and also do not want your in laws there. So why not call it a meal at your mums house and done. No one would expect to be invited to a meal at someone else's house. But keep everyone off of Facebook with pictures of you all playing pin the nappy on the baby or whatever happens at these things.

This^^^^^

OP, you're perfectly entitled to spend time with your family and friends without having to invite your in-laws too. I don't see why your MIL should expect to be invited to every single social occasion, any more than you'd expect to be invited to every day/night out of hers.

Do keep the photos away from social media though, it instantly marks a gathering as a "party", lets face it, normal people don't post pictures of tea at their mum's house, so don't let your mates get carried away and make sure that any photos stay on their phones. Tea and cake is hardly party central so I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

Don't worry too much at the moment about MIL being the "No 1 Grandparent"....if she wants to take care of twin newborns whilst you have a few hours to yourself, let her do so and see how the offers to babysit soon dwindle. And when your twins are at the "terrible two" stage?...You'll probably find that she won't be able to tear herself away from the bingo hall long enough to babysit! :rotfl:

Have a lovely time at your mum's house with your family and your mates. There's plenty of time for family gatherings with the in-laws so don't feel bad about having a bit of time with your favourite people while you have the chance. You'll soon be too busy/exhausted to bother getting dressed, never mind going out to socialise, so make the most of it.

And good luck with the babies!

lulu_92

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

Please don't become yet another one of the endless women on here who think their mother-in-law is jealous/narcissistic/other currently fashionable pop psychology term.

It's so pathetic and it undermines us as women. We all are these women one day, they're not a separate species.

If we have sons, it seems so many of us will have to deal with the self-centered little girlfriend who wishes we didn't exist, finds fault and tries to label us with unpleasant terms. Then she tries to drag our son into it and get them to agree. All this to keep the man to herself and hide what she thinks are her faults rather than ask for help. She doesn't mind asking for help from her own mum though because she's not the competition. It's all about the competition. Why do we women do this to ourselves?

I thought similar terrible things about my own mother-in-law and did everything to avoid her and keep her out of our lives.

Now I look back with older eyes, I realize the fault was more than half mine and I wish I could go back in time and give myself a good shake. We wasted so many years in a pointless opposition, that I thought was entirely her doing, and I must have caused her many a tear.
I really regret that now.

She and I were eventually able to reboot our relationship thanks to a tactic my mum came up with. My mother-in-law was to die young and I'm so glad, for all three of us, that we were granted the time to rebuild the relationship we should have had.

I know you can't see it now but please don't do what I did.

I appreciate your story but don't tar us all with the same brush. I put my feelings aside for the sake of being civil. I do not wish she didn't exist, and I wouldn't say I'm self centered as I was saying I do not want to upset her, which is why once again I'm compromising to make her happy (off my own back. I appreciate the responses on here but ultimately I decided this).

I do not poison her son against her at all. I tell him if she upsets me but we leave it at that. We've only argued about his mum once and that was because I was sick of her (or anyone for that fact) turning up to my house unannounced. And I didn't even say "your mum is doing my head in by doing this". I try to be tactful when it comes to her. If she says something to me that I don't agree with i either ignore it or calmly tell her. Considering some of the things she has said to me I am a lot nicer than I could be. My issues with her are mine only and I do not antagonise her because of them. I tend to get on with it but the prospect of seeing her sometimes fills me with anxiety because of the way she sometimes treats me.

It is not a competition. She has slightly made the pregnancy a competition with my mum, but my mum can't be bothered with those kinds of games so doesn't bite.

Again, I appreciate what you are saying, but we're not all "self centered little girlfriends". I think your comments are slightly unfair and make me out to be worse than I am.

Spendless

OP- would they even come if invited? Aren't you the poster who got nothing from them for Xmas because 'you're pregnant'? If they get told the expectation is to bring a gift, would that be enough to put them off? Apologies if I've muddled you with someone else.