Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

thorsoak

lulu_92 wrote: »

That's how I'm seeing it, but people (yes, me included in this post) are calling it a baby shower.

I don't want to burn bridges, but I don't want them there. I feel like I already have to compromise so much and bite my tongue all of the time with them. I just want one day where I don't have to worry about it.

It may be one day which colours the relationship with your baby's other grandparents forever.

lulu_92

Guest101 wrote: »

I suspect your OH has probably compromised and bit his tongue about your family....


it's what people do.

I don't doubt that in the slightest, although he will address any issues with me afterwards. I can do the same in return, depending on what it is.

lulu_92

Person_one wrote: »

You've made this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

You should have just met up with your female relatives for tea and cake one day, then separately met up with your friends another day, and not called either one a baby shower. Your in-laws would have had no expectation of being invited to either of those, nobody would be feeling excluded or hurt, nobody would be worrying that they won't be allowed have a close relationship with their grandchild/niece/nephew and you would have just had two pleasant afternoons.

Now, if they know about the event and think it's a baby shower, I think you really do have to invite them.

Luckily it only came to my attention about three hours ago, so for now I think we're fine :rotfl: but I see your point. I didn't really want to say no to my mum about it, as I did want to do something with my family and friends before I pop

thorsoak wrote: »

It may be one day which colours the relationship with your baby's other grandparents forever.

There's many things that could already do this, which contribute to my reluctance to them attending.

Peter333

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

If you have a get together, you invite your family and friends. That doesn't have to include OH's side of the family.
If the babies have a get together, they invite their family an
A baby shower is the second of these.
If people get left out of that, that sends a significant message.

Why not cancel the baby shower idea and have a get together with your family and friends? Make it about you, not the babies. Then there is no expectation to invite the babies' family.

Person_one wrote: »

You've made this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

You should have just met up with your female relatives for tea and cake one day, then separately met up with your friends another day, and not called either one a baby shower. Your in-laws would have had no expectation of being invited to either of those, nobody would be feeling excluded or hurt, nobody would be worrying that they won't be allowed have a close relationship with their grandchild/niece/nephew and you would have just had two pleasant afternoons.

Now, if they know about the event and think it's a baby shower, I think you really do have to invite them.

I think these posts tell you the best way to go...

Just have a night out with a few mates, and then have a night with your mother and siblings.

Having a baby shower and not inviting your boyfriend's mother and the rest of his female relatives is just asking for trouble IMO.

thorsoak

lulu_92 wrote: »

Luckily it only came to my attention about three hours ago, so for now I think we're fine :rotfl: but I see your point. I didn't really want to say no to my mum about it, as I did want to do something with my family and friends before I pop



There's many things that could already do this, which contribute to my reluctance to them attending.

Now that is sad - and again, were I mum to your OH, I would be heartbroken :-(

lulu_92

Andypandyboy wrote: »

The only way to stop friction is to keep the invite to an event centred around the baby to close friends.

The moment you add your mum, then his mum should be asked, the moment you add your sister, then his sisters will expect to be asked.

I think you know this really, but it doesn't suit what you actually want to do!

You are going to face a lot of this in the future OP.

I know... and it really upsets me that this is a possibily. At the same time I'm upset that it doesn't really matter how I feel about it? Ever since I got pregnant my opinions haven't really mattered, I thought that only happened once the baby was born! :rotfl:

[Deleted User]

Guess what - your family and his family are YOUR FAMILY. They'll be there forever, and you can't cut one side out when it suits you.

They'll probably always be a bit annoying. You still won't be able to cut them out when it suits you. If you think this is bad, try organising a wedding and try pleasing everyone else except yourself.

Are they really that bad you don't want them there?

tara747

I agree with the OP - I think baby showers are ridiculous.


Possibly best to opt out and avoid offending the in-laws.

JimmyTheWig

Would you write publicly on Facebook that you don't get on with them and would rather not spend time with them and would rather your babies didn't spend time with them either?

If so, then I see no need to invite them.
If you wouldn't then I think you should invite them. Not inviting them sneds out the same message as posting that would.

Person_one

Pregnant or not, considering other people's feelings is always necessary!

Now that you're creating a new family unit, you need to accept that your partner's relatives are just as important as yours are but often (not always) harder to cope with because you didn't grow up with them and don't love them just for being themselves. It's the same for your OH. Unless the things that you're hinting at that they've done are truly awful and not just annoyances.