Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

[Deleted User]

Also remember, this will put pressure on your OH and create friction between him and his mum. You'll ended up making him side with either you or her... not nice for him, and likely to end up in arguments either way (and hopefully he sides with you...)

How about you cancel, and go out for a girly lunch with your mates instead? My sister-in-law had a baby 'tea party' in London, rather than a shower with a load of clich! games.

Person_one

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Also remember, this will put pressure on your OH and create friction between him and his mum. You'll ended up making him side with either you or her... not nice for him, and likely to end up in arguments either way (and hopefully he sides with you...)

How about you cancel, and go out for a girly lunch with your mates instead? My sister-in-law had a baby 'tea party' in London, rather than a shower with a load of clich! games.

This is the best suggestion.

Baby showers are a fairly hideous concept at the best of times. If you didn't want one anyway and the one you're going to end up with will be massively hurtful to important people in your children's' lives, then just call the whole thing off.

Nobody used to need a party with presents and games to get together with their female friends and relatives, until we started seeing the idea on American TV!

lulu_92

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Also remember, this will put pressure on your OH and create friction between him and his mum. You'll ended up making him side with either you or her... not nice for him, and likely to end up in arguments either way (and hopefully he sides with you...)

How about you cancel, and go out for a girly lunch with your mates instead? My sister-in-law had a baby 'tea party' in London, rather than a shower with a load of clich! games.

Good point. OH and his parents have a good relationship so I wouldn't want to ruin that. I think my decision would depend on how he sees it, as he might see it my way, or he might not. Who knows :rotfl:

I wanted to steer clear of the cliche games and general cringey-ness of baby showers, which is why I wanted to go down the tea and cake route. My friends and I were going to go and have afternoon tea in town, but the prospect of my mum's home baking was too much to say no to! I think I'm very conscious of the fact that all of the people invited at the moment I don't see as often as I'd like and there are many factors for why that is, my friends included in this. I see OH's side all of the time so I just thought it'd be nice to have a day with mine. Friends were added for convenience really. A lot of weddings and hen parties are taking place around my due date so everyone is everywhere!

JimmyTheWig

lulu_92 wrote: »

I see your point. I mentioned in my second post that I didn't think it was the done thing with showers to invite in laws, but I'm obviously wrong. I don't see it as an importance scale, I'm more seeing it like an opportunity to spend time with people I haven't been able to spend as much time with as I would have liked.

If you have a get together, you invite your family and friends. That doesn't have to include OH's side of the family.
If the babies have a get together, they invite their family and friends. That does include OH's side of the family.

A baby shower is the second of these.
If people get left out of that, that sends a significant message.

It's up to whoever is organising it to invite who they choose. But it doesn't seem like a good idea to send out such a significant message unless you want to.


Why not cancel the baby shower idea and have a get together with your family and friends? Make it about you, not the babies. Then there is no expectation to invite the babies' family.

lulu_92

Person_one wrote: »

This is the best suggestion.

Baby showers are a fairly hideous concept at the best of times. If you didn't want one anyway and the one you're going to end up with will be massively hurtful to important people in your children's' lives, then just call the whole thing off.

Nobody used to need a party with presents and games to get together with their female friends and relatives, until we started seeing the idea on American TV!

I do agree, I never really saw the appeal. I've specified no presents and games as that's just not my type of thing.

Maybe I'm not seeing it as a baby shower or a mum-to-be shower, and more of an excuse to see family and friends, and eat cake..

lulu_92

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

If you have a get together, you invite your family and friends. That doesn't have to include OH's side of the family.
If the babies have a get together, they invite their family and friends. That does include OH's side of the family.

A baby shower is the second of these.
If people get left out of that, that sends a significant message.

It's up to whoever is organising it to invite who they choose. But it doesn't seem like a good idea to send out such a significant message unless you want to.


Why not cancel the baby shower idea and have a get together with your family and friends? Make it about you, not the babies. Then there is no expectation to invite the babies' family.

That's how I'm seeing it, but people (yes, me included in this post) are calling it a baby shower.

I don't want to burn bridges, but I don't want them there. I feel like I already have to compromise so much and bite my tongue all of the time with them. I just want one day where I don't have to worry about it.

Guest101

lulu_92 wrote: »

That's how I'm seeing it, but people (yes, me included in this post) are calling it a baby shower.

I don't want to burn bridges, but I don't want them there. I feel like I already have to compromise so much and bite my tongue all of the time with them. I just want one day where I don't have to worry about it.

I suspect your OH has probably compromised and bit his tongue about your family....


it's what people do.

thorsoak

lulu_92 wrote: »

20 people is me, my mum, my sister and step-sister then my two aunties, and my grandma, then probably 3-4 friends. They just have a lot of kids between them :rotfl:

I guess I'm not too knowledgable on the etiquette of baby showers, as I've never been to one, so I always found them to be something the mum to be does with her side of the family (similar to a hen party, although I know some people invite in laws on these). I don't know.

OH hasn't been told there's a shower yet as he's at work so not had chance to see him. In all honesty I don't know how he will react. He'll either not be bothered or he will be annoyed.

I'm not not-inviting them to be mean, although I appreciate it comes across that way.

Yes, it most certainly does. And, were I mum to your OH, then I would feel extremely hurt and excluded - and it would colour my attitude/feelings toward my grandchild to be.

Surely - just one evening - you could invite them? If children are to be invited as well!

Andypandyboy

The only way to stop friction is to keep the invite to an event centred around the baby to close friends.

The moment you add your mum, then his mum should be asked, the moment you add your sister, then his sisters will expect to be asked.

I think you know this really, but it doesn't suit what you actually want to do!

You are going to face a lot of this in the future OP.

Person_one

You've made this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

You should have just met up with your female relatives for tea and cake one day, then separately met up with your friends another day, and not called either one a baby shower. Your in-laws would have had no expectation of being invited to either of those, nobody would be feeling excluded or hurt, nobody would be worrying that they won't be allowed have a close relationship with their grandchild/niece/nephew and you would have just had two pleasant afternoons.

Now, if they know about the event and think it's a baby shower, I think you really do have to invite them.