Should I feel bad for not wanting my boyfriend's mum at my "baby shower"?

lulu_92

I know they might see it as me being horrible. They could not be bothered at all and see it how I do, but I'm preparing for if they do get upset.

heuchera wrote: »

Personally I would much much rather celebrate once baby has arrived.

That was one of the reasons why I didn't want a shower, as I was nervous. I'd not really gave it much thought until my mum mentioned it and I thought it would be a good opportunity to see my family as we live all over the place and we have never gotten together without the male relatives. My friends are like family, so I couldn't imagine them not being there.

I'm not particularly close to OH's family. They're nice enough people, but there's a few reasons why I wouldn't be comfortable with them being there, especially if my OH isn't going to be there (I know he could be but AFAIK they're mainly women-only occasions?)

lulu_92

pollypenny wrote: »

Over aunts and other extended family.

Doesn't mean they mean less to me because they're "extended"

pollypenny

Won't your children be more important to both grandmothers?

Guest101

lulu_92 wrote: »

Doesn't mean they mean less to me because they're "extended"

and the 3-4 friends?...


Let's put another way:


Do you care what your OH thinks?


If yes, then you should actually include him in decisions such as this (it's a baby shower, not a mum to be shower)


Here's another way:


That baby that's going to join your world in 14 weeks time may well have a baby shower one day, I suspect you'd want to be part of that....

tea_lover

lulu_92 wrote: »

Doesn't mean they mean less to me because they're "extended"

I suppose that's the difference. I'm seeing it as importance (if that's the right word) to the babies. This is the start of a new family, which joins your existing family and OH's family together - forever!

If you see it from the viewpoint of importance to the mother to be, then I can see you'd have a different opinion. I'm not saying you're wrong of course! Just bear in mind that this one small thing could have really long-lasting repercussions.

lulu_92

You all make very good points, I appreciate the honesty and different perspectives.

I really don't want to upset anybody, but I know I will if I don't invite them, but at the same time I would prefer them not to be there. Our relationship isn't terrible, but some of the things that have happened and been said since I got pregnant make me reluctant to want to spend time with them. I know that's a part of life, but the whole situation makes me want to tell my mum to cancel, even though I was excited until she asked the question of the guest list.

I'll talk to my OH tonight, he might have a better insight than me.

EDIT - I know I can't really say any more that would make me sound less mean :rotfl: I think to me I only see it as a gathering of people and I would only invite the same people I would to any other gathering that OH wasn't attending.

I just don't think the baby shower is the be-all and end all. It's not formal or anything, and we already have involved OH's family in a lot of the preparations, which I know could be seen to be worse if I don't invite them. I just think there's a lot more to celebrating a baby's arrival than one afternoon of tea and cake, and they're involved in a lot of things that my family have been unable to. I kind of see this day as levelling out the involvement.

PasturesNew

I thought baby showers were "thrown for you", not something you organised yourself (which'd be crass) ... in which case there'd be no reason for the mother to not put one together on her home turf too.

You shouldn't be doing the inviting - that should be done by the person doing the organising.

tea_lover

lulu_92 wrote: »

Our relationship isn't terrible, but some of the things that have happened and been said since I got pregnant make me reluctant to want to spend time with them. I know that's a part of life, but the whole situation makes me want to tell my mum to cancel, even though I was excited until she asked the question of the guest list.

It's human nature not to want to spend time with people we don't particularly get on with - and I can totally see where you're coming from on this. But it could be a great opportunity to be the bigger person and make a fresh start - one that could really benefit all of you in the future. If you make the effort and they either don't accept the invite or don't behave too well on the day, well, at least you'd know you tried.

This sounds really cheesy (sorry! ) but maybe you could see inviting them as a sort of gift to your OH.

Guest101

lulu_92 wrote: »

You all make very good points, I appreciate the honesty and different perspectives.

I really don't want to upset anybody, but I know I will if I don't invite them, but at the same time I would prefer them not to be there. Our relationship isn't terrible, but some of the things that have happened and been said since I got pregnant make me reluctant to want to spend time with them. I know that's a part of life, but the whole situation makes me want to tell my mum to cancel, even though I was excited until she asked the question of the guest list.

I'll talk to my OH tonight, he might have a better insight than me.

I suppose it's common with pregnancy, but such a rollercoaster.


You didn't want one at all
Then you were excited to have one
Then you were miserable that the in-laws were mentioned


Presumebly this was all over the period of about 10-15 minutes?


I'll go back to my previous point. You may one day be a grandmother, You'd want your SIL/DIL to involve you in your grand child's life.


You don't have to like the in-laws. But they are part of your family now.

theoretica

Could you nerve yourself to have two parties? Your mum is arranging a small get together for her family but the house really won't hold any more people, would your OH's family like to also arrange something separate?

Also possibly best not to call it a baby shower and make it about the baby which will be part of both families equally.